JOKES 2

The Parrot / Modern Language / Bottoms Up / Taxidermist / The Genius / The Programmer

The Parrot

"Pantomime parrot sacked for bad language"
By Caroline Davies From the "Daily Telegraph":-

THE acting ambitions of an Amazonian green parrot called Percy were swiftly curtailed when he decided to "ad lib" during a dress rehearsal for a Christmas pantomime.
Despite learning his one line to perfection, he shocked fellow cast members by blurting out a string of obscenities. Perched on Long John Silver's shoulder, Percy should have squawked "pieces of eight". Instead he shrieked "Piss off mate". And as the cast of Pirates on Treasure Island dissolved into giggles, he chanted: "Bugger off, bugger off."
Organisers at the Jake's Ladder Theatre Company in Blandford Forum, Dorset, sacked him on the spot, fearing a repeat performance in front of an audience of children.
Mark Hyde, 45, who plays Long John Silver, said: "I could not believe what I was hearing. One minute the rehearsal was going perfectly, then Percy comes out with this. We all stood there in stunned silence before we burst out laughing."
Percy, aged 17 months, won the part when his owner answered an advertisement in the local paper. Last night he asked not to be identified, claiming to have no idea where his parrot acquired his ripe language.
Alison Glenn, a spokesman for the theatre company, said: "His owner fears someone has taught him to swear as some kind of sick joke." A hunt is now on for a last-minute replacement.

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Language


As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English."
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to oza kombinations of letas.
After ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.
Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru!

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Bottoms Up

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,
"To apply, push up bottom."

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The Taxidermist


An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer-swilling locals and, in his well-educated voice, asks the bartender, "May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man."
One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, mates, what kind of a fuckin' man's drink is that?" Then, turning to the Englishman, "Oi! You! Yeah you, ya fuckin' Pom! Gin and fuckin' tonic - are you some kind of fuckin' poofter or what?"
"Ac-actually," the terrified Pom replies, "I'm a t-t-taxidermist."
"Oh yeah? And what's a fuckin' taxidermist, then?"
"I stuff and mount d-dead animals."

"It's alright, fellas," says the local, turning to his mates, "he's one of us!"

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The Genius


A man enters in a doctor's room and says "I've been told you have discovered a machine that can lower one's IQ. I am very interested in it, since I have no success with women. They all think I am too boring when I try to have a conversation with them. My actual IQ is around 250, and I'd like to have it down to 120." "Well," says the doctor, "if you really want that, there's no problem. Just sit in this chair and put this bowl on your head."
The doctor then pushes a button. The IQ starts to drop 250, 230, 200, 150, 120. At this moment, the doctor tried to push the stop button, but it was stuck!
Down goes the IQ 99, 90, 80, 70. He tries again and again, but it remains stuck.
The IQ drops 40, 30, 20, 10, 7, 5, 2.
He finally succeeds. The man removes the bowl, stands up, looks at the doctor, walks around the machine and finally asks the doctor "Right, Sir. Do you have your papers for this vehicle ?"

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"The Cobol Programmer"

There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s.
For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack.
After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/ Server programmers and web site developers and multimedia experts, Jack was finally getting some respect.
He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000.
It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000.
This was a very expensive process and totally automated.
He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm.

"It is over?" he asked.
"Is 2000 already here?
Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crisis all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant.
It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.

Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates.
This man was Prime Minister of Earth.
He told Jack not to be upset.
That this was a wonderful time to be alive.
That there was world peace and no more starvation.
That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars.
That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere.

"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"
"Well," said the Prime Minister,
"The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL"

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