Darwin Awards 1 / 3 Smiles / Hell freezes over / Y2K Fix / 2 Cows / Colours / Desert Island |
(15 July 1999, Alabama)
A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva.
In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip
slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and
paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.
(11 August 1999)
A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.
(25 May 1999, Ukraine)
A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish.
In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.
(16 August 1999, Germany)
A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.
(1991, Nicosia, Cypress)
Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.
(August 1999, Australia)
Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits.
A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent.
A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped.
The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening.
It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.
(28 January 1999, London)
A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death.
Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham, in northeastern England.
"I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline," neighbor Alan Renfry told reporters.
First Runner Up Award goes to ...
(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh)
Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices.
Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng.
Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stamping on the mine.
The other villagers fled in terror.
Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.
And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is.....
(5 September 1999, Jerusalem)
The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year.
At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions.
Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers.
Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time."
Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.
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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened.
A Detective Inspector arrives and is taken straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector" says the
Coroner.
The DI is taken to the second dead man.
"Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
Nothing unusual here, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.
"Ah" says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30 struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken", replies the coroner.
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December.
As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this
Y to K problem has made any sense to me.
But I understand it is a
global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.
And
what does the year 2000 have to do with it?
Speaking of which, what
do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls
over from 99 to 00?
We'll await your direction."
Project Manager
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows.
The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if
you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow
futures.
The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Sex & Your Favorite Color
STOP ---- Before you read this, decide what your favorite color is. No looking ahead or changing your mind, either. Got it? Ok, read on...Your Favorite color is the
"Key to Your Sexual Life"
The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears most frequently -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you. A panel of psychologists, explained the association between color and sexual patterns.
RED: -----
People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily
aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it
may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could
make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors
should beware.
YELLOW: -------
If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and
turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow. But don't
panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is gay. In most cases the person will
consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy
sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you
enjoy or admire.
PINK: ----
Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters:
women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases
they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate men. A great
percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the
philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same
evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up someone in some bar instead.
Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.
PURPLE: -------
Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too
sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate
to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both
sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's
gratification.
BLACK: -------
Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily
meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out
each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic
or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when
under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders
prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mobsters and
teenage gangs is black attire.
GREEN: ------
Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to
sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a
man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing
sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one
will never need worry about infidelity.
ORANGE: -------
Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex
act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as
important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue;
they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm -- but they
put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red
welts on the sex partner's back.
BROWN: ------
If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown
lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their
partners. Love is a 24 hour a day thing, where you can't say "I love you" often
enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their
tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make
love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.
GREY: ------
The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't
get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a noncommittal
shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of relieving tension -- but nothing
more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they
have intercourse. And for one of two reasons: to accommodate their mate, or to
become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is
over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the grey spouse considers
the other's infidelity a blessing. When a grey marries another grey, the marriage is
made in heaven.
BLUE: -----
Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sincere,
affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider lovemaking a fine
art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists,
delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the
blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion
may be compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression. Both women and
men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself.
In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate -- never seeking outside interests.
WHITE: ------
If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These
people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the
daylight is unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers.
Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for
their genitals.
After a tragic sailing accident, three blondes are left stranded on a
desert island.
After a quick search of the island, the only treasure
they find is a small chest and a few coconut trees.
After several seconds of consideration, they decide to open the box
and see what's inside it. As they open it, there is a a puff of
smoke, and a magic genie comes out.
"I will grant you one wish each!" announces the genie, as he turns to
the first blonde.
"What do you wish for?" he asks her.
"I want my intelligence to boosted a hundred times!" yelps the lass.
"Granted!" booms the genie, and, in an impressive blue flash, the
blonde becomes 100 times more intelligent, and sets to building a
boat out of coconut shells. Within half an hour, she has set sail
back to the mainland.
"What do you wish for?" the Genie then asks the second blonde.
"I wish to be 1000 times more intelligent!" shrieks the girl
"Granted!" booms the genie, and, after an impressive red flash, the
blonde sets to work fasioning a kyak out of a coconut tree. 15
minutes later, it's complete, and she sets sail to reach the mainland.
The Genie turns to the third blonde. "What do you wish for?" he asks,
knowing fully well what the answer will be.
"I wish to be 1,000,000 times more intelligent!" screams the young
lady, and with that, in an extrordinarily impressive green flash, the
blonde turns into a man, and walks over the bridge.