"Alzheimer's or AIDS?" - Rated PG

One week later, she and her husband returned to the doctor's office. The doctor took the husband aside and told him,
"Sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news. We accidentally mixed your wife's blood sample with another patient's, and we have no idea whose is whose.
The bad news is one has Alzheimer's disease, and the other has AIDS. I want you to come back in another week and by then I should have it allsorted out."

The man looked scared and said,
"That's terrible, doc, what should I do until then?"

"Well, when you're driving home today, drop her off two blocks away from your house.
If she makes it home, don't have sex with her!"

The Parrot 2

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman
"Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam"
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly,

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"A new brothel,a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their filthy new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.
"Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?" says the parrot.

"Ouch"

Flower Power (I defy any of you not to wince at this one.!!)

A man turned up at a hospital wearing an overcoat, and with blood dripping down his leg. When he removed the coat, doctor saw he had geranium inserted into his penis. The man got the flower in without any difficulty, but when he tried to remove it, the hairs on the stem of the flower had dug into the urethra and ripped it to shreds.

A policeman in Staffordshire returned home from a night shift to find his wife preparing breakfast. For some unknown reason, he wrapped a slice of bread around his penis, at which point the dog leapt up and took a bite out of it. The man needed cosmetic surgery to restore the damage.

A 34-year old New Yorker injected a cocaine solution into his penis to heighten his sexual pleasure and staying ability. The solution helped maintain an erection forr three days which became extremely painful. He went to the doctor in search of help. Shortly afterwards, he developed blood clots in various parts of his body, gangrene set in, and he lost both legs, nine fingers and his penis.

When I was studying in Ireland, I took up rugby. As my first season wore on, the lads and I were eventually scheduled to play a team which had a reputation for violent play. Considering that we weren't the most talented outfit to have ever taken the field, we decided to accept the challenge with a "do or die" attitude, hoping things would eventually swing our way. They didn't and to make matters worse our star player dislocated his hip after a particularly ferocious tackle. He was clearly in a lot of pain, so we all stood back to watch the medic who, in one swift movement, managed to slot the hip back into place. There was a long blood-curdling scream. To our horror, we realised that one of his testicles had also been jammed into the socket and was now firmly held in the place by the hip. Incidentally, Alan managed to rip a vocal chord with his screaming.

Copperfield

A 16 year old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party all alone.
Since she was very good looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.
Her Mum said, "It is very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him 'what will be the name of our baby?', that will scare them off." So off she went.

After a little while at the party a boy started dancing with her and little by little kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared.

Some time later the same thing happened again, a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders...she stopped him and asked him about the baby's name, he ran off.

Later on another boy invited her for a walk, after a few minutes he started kissing her and she asked him,
"What will our baby be called?"
He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.
"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her.
"What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.
After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, tied it in a knot and said, "If he gets out of this one...David Copperfield!"

RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW

1. Crying is blackmail.
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Sunday = Sports
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
23. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.

REMEMBER ==> Beauty is in the eye of the BEERHOLDER!!!