Limericks by Merrick & others

Limericks are, by their very nature, rude, crude and /or offensive.
Persons of insufficient years or those easily offended should Go Back Now!
For those of a less delicate mien I offer the following.

Kildare

Aberdeen

There once was a man from Kildare
Who was screwing his wife on the stair.
When the Bannister broke
He quickened his stroke
And finished her off in mid air.

A rascal from North Aberdeen,
Once invented a wanking machine,
At the height of its stroke,
The fucking thing broke,
And mangled his Balls into Cream.

The Bishop	The Vampire
There once was a Bishop of Bings, Who spoke of his God and such things, But his Secret Desire, Was a Boy in the Choir, With a Bottom like Jelly on Springs!	There was a young Vampire called Mabel, Who's periods were reg'lar and Stable, So ev'ry Full Moon, With the help of a Spoon, She drank herself under the Table!

Devizes	Clapham
There once was a man from Devizes, Who's Balls were of different Sizes, One ball was so small, T'was no ball at all, But the other One Won several Prizes!	A policeman from Clapham Junction, had a penis that just would not function, for most of his life, he deceived his poor wife, with some snot on the end of his truncheon!

Tashkent	St John's
There was a young man from Tashkent , Whose dick was so long that it bent. To save himself trouble , he put it in double, So instead of coming, he went!	There once was a student of John's, Who wanted to Bugger the swans, Said the loyal head porter, here Sir, take my daughter, Them birds is reserved for the Dons.

Sid	Give Way
There was a young fella called Sid, Who did terrible things to a lid, Though he is no homo Affirmed the major domo, he could be, if given a quid.	Here's the body of Jonathon Grey Died insisting on his right of way He was in fact right, as he drove fast at night But still, he's as quite dead anyway

Radio	John Smith
On his regular Saturday show Michael Feldman asks, "What do you know?" The Folks say, "Not much." There's laughter and such. It's great PRI radio.	A large man from John Smith and co. Loudly declared he would tho. neighbour he found dumping muck on their ground the neighbours, therefore, didn't do.

Bore	Sally
"I say, young man, you're a bore" Said the Lady Emelia Fitz-Gore, "You're covered in sweat, I haven't come yet, And, Ye Gods, it's a quarter past four	There was a young lady named Sally, Who monitored her running tally of people she'd wedded, snogged with or bedded, Though not those who merely were pally.

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Kildare	Aberdeen
There once was a man from Kildare Who was screwing his wife on the stair. When the Bannister broke He quickened his stroke And finished her off in mid air.	A rascal from North Aberdeen, Once invented a wanking machine, At the height of its stroke, The fucking thing broke, And mangled his Balls into Cream.

Kildare

Aberdeen

There once was a man from Kildare Who was screwing his wife on the stair. When the Bannister broke He quickened his stroke And finished her off in mid air.

A rascal from North Aberdeen, Once invented a wanking machine, At the height of its stroke, The fucking thing broke, And mangled his Balls into Cream.

The Bishop

The Vampire

There once was a Bishop of Bings, Who spoke of his God and such things, But his Secret Desire, Was a Boy in the Choir, With a Bottom like Jelly on Springs!

There was a young Vampire called Mabel, Who's periods were reg'lar and Stable, So ev'ry Full Moon, With the help of a Spoon, She drank herself under the Table!

Devizes

Clapham

There once was a man from Devizes, Who's Balls were of different Sizes, One ball was so small, T'was no ball at all, But the other One Won several Prizes!

A policeman from Clapham Junction, had a penis that just would not function, for most of his life, he deceived his poor wife, with some snot on the end of his truncheon!

Tashkent

St John's

There was a young man from Tashkent , Whose dick was so long that it bent. To save himself trouble , he put it in double, So instead of coming, he went!

There once was a student of John's, Who wanted to Bugger the swans, Said the loyal head porter, here Sir, take my daughter, Them birds is reserved for the Dons.

Sid

Give Way

There was a young fella called Sid, Who did terrible things to a lid, Though he is no homo Affirmed the major domo, he could be, if given a quid.

Here's the body of Jonathon Grey Died insisting on his right of way He was in fact right, as he drove fast at night But still, he's as quite dead anyway

Radio

John Smith

On his regular Saturday show Michael Feldman asks, "What do you know?" The Folks say, "Not much." There's laughter and such. It's great PRI radio.

A large man from John Smith and co. Loudly declared he would tho. neighbour he found dumping muck on their ground the neighbours, therefore, didn't do.

Bore

Sally

"I say, young man, you're a bore" Said the Lady Emelia Fitz-Gore, "You're covered in sweat, I haven't come yet, And, Ye Gods, it's a quarter past four

There was a young lady named Sally, Who monitored her running tally of people she'd wedded, snogged with or bedded, Though not those who merely were pally.

There once was a man from Kildare
Who was screwing his wife on the stair.
When the Bannister broke
He quickened his stroke
And finished her off in mid air.

A rascal from North Aberdeen,
Once invented a wanking machine,
At the height of its stroke,
The fucking thing broke,
And mangled his Balls into Cream.

There once was a Bishop of Bings,
Who spoke of his God and such things,
But his Secret Desire,
Was a Boy in the Choir,
With a Bottom like Jelly on Springs!

There was a young Vampire called Mabel,
Who's periods were reg'lar and Stable,
So ev'ry Full Moon,
With the help of a Spoon,
She drank herself under the Table!

There once was a man from Devizes,
Who's Balls were of different Sizes,
One ball was so small,
T'was no ball at all,
But the other One Won several Prizes!

A policeman from Clapham Junction,
had a penis that just would not function,
for most of his life,
he deceived his poor wife,
with some snot on the end of his truncheon!

There was a young man from Tashkent ,
Whose dick was so long that it bent.
To save himself trouble ,
he put it in double,
So instead of coming, he went!

There once was a student of John's,
Who wanted to Bugger the swans,
Said the loyal head porter,
here Sir, take my daughter,
Them birds is reserved for the Dons.

There was a young fella called Sid,
Who did terrible things to a lid,
Though he is no homo
Affirmed the major domo,
he could be, if given a quid.

Here's the body of Jonathon Grey
Died insisting on his right of way
He was in fact right,
as he drove fast at night
But still, he's as quite dead anyway

On his regular Saturday show
Michael Feldman asks, "What do you know?"
The Folks say, "Not much."
There's laughter and such.
It's great PRI radio.

A large man from John Smith and co.
Loudly declared he would tho.
neighbour he found
dumping muck on their ground
the neighbours, therefore, didn't do.

"I say, young man, you're a bore"
Said the Lady Emelia Fitz-Gore,
"You're covered in sweat,
I haven't come yet,
And, Ye Gods, it's a quarter past four

There was a young lady named Sally,
Who monitored her running tally
of people she'd wedded,
snogged with or bedded,
Though not those who merely were pally.