Thakeham Mummers Play
Dramatis Personae
- Father Christmas
- Parson
- Publican
- Property Developer
- Parish Council
- Abingworth Heir
- Peace-in-the-Green
- Consultant
- Chill Penury
- Banker
Father Christmas
In comes I, Father Christmas,
Be I welcome, or be I not.
Tradition dictates that at Christmas time,
The Mummers perform their play in rhyme.
This tradition goes back for many a year,
In fact I remember when Noah was here,
He used the same gags time and again,
Like "I've bought a new brolly, I hope it will rain".
But these "tipteers" as they were locally known,
The plot and the story have all outgrown.
No longer does St George and the Turkish Knight,
Challenge poor Blackamoor to a fight.
These merry men have updated the plot,
And are going to act it, like it or not.
Make room one and all, let the players come in,
May I introduce you to Parson, let him begin.
Parson
In comes I the Parson of St Mary's,
To Thakeham I've come in search of paradise.
My job is such a busy one,
I've no time to do what must be done.
One day a week (Sunday) is my busiest,
So busy, I must get someone to assist.
But holidays I do have as well,
Which means there are no days left at all.
With my drawings I entertain,
The congregation that still remain,
But very soon they too will leave,
I must get a joint venture I believe.
With a friendly publican I will collaborate,
We'll entice the unwary to co-operate,
Before we both face our final Nemesis,
Together we'll fill our respective premises.
Father Christmas
The church and inn, hand in hand,
A powerful combination I understand.
Step forward noble innkeeper you're next in line,
Show the good people to have a good time.
Publican
In comes I the Landlord good,
I keep my pub well and I serve good food.
A warm welcome awaits you all,
Who enter in my spacious hall.
Warm your hands and take off your togs,
Be careful of my friendly dogs.
May I serve you a drink so swiftly?
A pint of bitter, two pounds fifty.
Have a seat squire, there's plenty free,
My pub is always empty you see.
This simple fact I can't understand,
Can you help me you stupid old man.
Perhaps if I built a house or shop,
People at my pub would stop,
And all would then be able to see,
That this is the centre of the community.
Can you help me, hear my pleas,
No! Well bugger off and leave me in peace.
Father Christmas
Oh dear that does not sound too wise,
Still here comes the spirit of enterprise.
A man with mind of expansion spectacular,
Step forward ignoble speculator.
(Jeers, Boos and hisses from the cast)
Property Developer
In comes I, the Property Developer,
I am a countryside enveloper.
If there be grass, open ground or a view,
I'll build a housing estate or two.
Build them high and pack them tight,
There's plenty land left for this all right.
I have some tricks which are quite neat,
If a boundary needs to be moved a few feet.
Why do I do it? I hear you say,
People need houses in which to stay.
I am a philanthropist of high morality,
And I will cure this housing scarcity.
Homes in the country for everybody,
And money in the bank just for me.
Is there a man who me this denies,
I'll soon cut him down to size.
Parson
I'll back this man, he'll bring them flocking,
His ways may seem a trifle shocking.
With more houses full of parishioners,
My pews will be full not just of pensioners.
With a full church I shall be in clover,
My collecting bowl will runneth over.
Publican
I too will rub my hands with glee,
More thirsty villagers I can see.
Dropping in by to drink and eat,
In the centre of the village street,
All these people will be of use,
Many more customers to abuse.
Father Christmas
Ah here's a man who whose care we cherish,
He's the local Council for the parish.
Brandishing a well sharpened pencil,
Join the throng, the Parish Council.
Parish Council
In comes I, the local councillor,
You can't build any more houses here,
The school's too small, the road's too narrow,
The fields are meant for the plough and harrow.
You'll pave the countryside with tile and tar,
Drive off the wildlife and encourage the car.
We able bodied band of men,
Shall put a stop to your merry game.
We are elected by and by,
(Those that remember to apply),
The people expect us to intervene,
We shall not let you spoil the scene.
So off with you, and your like,
Mush, get going, on your bike.
No recommendation we shall give,
No recommendation shall you have.
Property Developer
Planning permission? no problem here,
I've greased some palms, I do declare.
The District Council is my latest addition,
They'll grant my wish, they'll give me permission.
And when my land is all under brick,
I'll move on and re-perform the trick.
Parish Council
I have a secret weapon that will prevent,
People out of your development.
This feature will stop the houses selling
By keeping the area strongly smelling,
With olifactory aromas pure,
Most efficacious, like a sewer.
When no one buys your stinking property,
Put back the area just like it ought to be!
Abingworth Heir
In come I, the Abingworth Heir,
I smother the countryside for far,
Some folks blame the mushroom mycellium,
But it is in fact the growing medium,
A secret formula from horse, chicken and cow,
Mixed with straw in which fungii grow,
This pungent blend is made at a cost,
And is in fact mushroom compost.
Its left in piles and then forgotten,
Until its steaming, ripe and rotten.
Once its been cropped, we can't use it again,
We sweep it all up and leave it out in the rain.
It gets stored in a field, piled mountains high,
And left for twelve months, until by and by,
It gets packaged and loaded into a van,
And sold to the people who make "All Bran".
What they do with it, nobody says,
But recycling is common nowadays.
Whilst sitting in Thakeham a slight imposition,
It gives off foul odours of decomposition,
Father Christmas
What we need is a guardian angel,
To save the village from this danger.
To eliminate this fragrance obscene,
Step forward saviour, Peace-in-the-Green.
Peace-in-the-Green
In comes I, a verdant bit
What you've described just sounds like shit compost.
We are the Environment Committee,
Charged with getting Thakeham odour free.
We'll sit on their backs, complain and
And force them to rid the area,
Of smells and flies and noise and nuisance.
Then this place will have some "ambience".
A small charge we will make to you all,
Cheap at the price to erase the pall.
Is there a Consultant whose intent,
Is to rid Thakeham of its ghastly scent?
This perfume factory near our doors,
This blight on our lives with its frightful odours.
Consultant
Yes I am the very man for you,
To rid Thakeham of its pew.
I write reports and letters great,
Speak good words and pontificate.
My fame is known throughout the west
Where oft I've been put to the test.
This simple task I will undertake,
If you help me keep my vast estate.
Peace-in-the-Green
Expert, expert what is your toll?
To rid the smell for once and all
Consultant
Three thousand guineas, is all I ask,
To undertake this considerable task.
For when I'm gone no more shall the wind,
Be filled with foul odours of any kind.
Peace-in-the-Green
I can't afford such money as that.
Consultant
I drove my Rolls here I can drive it back.
Peace-in-the-Green
I'll make you an offer, I shall pay you half!
Consultant
Neither shall I take half.
I rode my Rolls here I can ride it back.
Peace-in-the-Green
Alright, alright I shall pay you all.
I'll take round of the collecting bowl.
Consultant
Now you talk like a man, and so to work,
From this task I shall not shirk,
I shall hound the plant which makes this fragrance,
I shall make them replace it with better essence.
I shall place sniffing devices in strategic places,
I shall examine the nursery for evil traces,
Of green straw and de-oxygenated slurry,
And sound devices to hush the lorry,
And place weather cocks up in the school,
To mark the wind's way, I'm no fool.
An Army of sniffers in the region,
Will pen the nights when pong is legion.
They must be made to clean the air,
And spray the night with a fragrance fair.
Essence of lavender, butterscotch and honey,
I shall force them to spend vast sums of money.
(Abingworth Heir sinks to their knees)
I will squeeze them to the very marrow,
And close them down like that tomorrow.
(Abingworth Heir expires)
And now my deed done, I shall depart,
No more shall Thakeham smell like a fart rose.
I'll take my money and disappear,
There's nothing left at all here,
And leave you good burghers bereft,
To scratch a living from whats left.
(Exits counting cash)
Chill Penury
In comes I Chill Penury,
In extremis I find you sorrily,
Devoid of means to earn a living,
The community is no longer thriving.
You live your lives all in despair,
You see you can't live on just fresh air.
For many years you lived with the smell,
But when gone, prosperity goes as well.
The smell on which you did depend,
Though you did not know it, it was your friend.
It employed the people in the community,
And gave them financial security.
The microcosm of the local economy,
Has stagnated, causing great austerity.
Property Developer
My empty houses...
Publican
...and pub..
Parson
...and church
Parish Council
..has left all the villagers in the lurch.
Oh smell return, I meant you no harm,
An assault on the nose causes little alarm.
But lack of work brings misery to all,
Nobody now has the wherewithal.
Is there a Management Buy-Out to be found,
To reinstate this ailing company's wound?
Banker
Yes there is! I will lend you sovereigns bright,
To restore day out of darkest night.
Debentures, floatations and unit trusts,
Will rise Phoenix like from the dust.
This company will soon be strong,
Just like before, still with the pong.
There may of course be some re-grading,
Restructuring, downsizing, re-engineering,
Cost control and tailor made,
Leaner, meaner, fit to trade,
All of which is just a way to mask,
Using less people to do the same task.
Such is the way it is nowadays viewed,
The rich get richer and the poor get screwed.
What am I saying, they are not poor,
Just financially challenged...
All
...that's for sure.
Banker
Sign up for a 10 year loan at fixed interest,
Total fidusiary and financial freedom,
Do you want any debentures?
Parish Council
No I've got all my own teeth.
Banker
With this financial restructuring plan so steady,
Look he rises one percentage point already.
He's on his feet but still looking sick,
A few more redundancies will do the trick.
There he's recovered and still smelling strong,
But leaner and thinner this won't be for long.
We must each play our part and all live together,
No man is an island, we'll all go forever.
Property Developer
My houses I will no longer build,
I shall retire and join the Freemason Guild.
Publican
My pub is open to you all,
Come in, sit down and have a ball.
To make amends for all this sorrow,
I will be serving free drinks....tomorrow.
Parson
My church is just the place to be,
Full to the brim every Sunday,
I'll meet you personally at the gate,
Standing room only, don't be late.
Father Christmas
So all's well that ends well, we bring you good cheer,
That is important at this time of year.
We've tried with this play, to fill the hall with laughter,
The acting wouldn't win prizes at BAFTA.
The rhyming is dismal, the metre abysmal,
The sentiment coarse and the plot just a farce.
Its merely a joke and its all total nonsense,
But if it upset you, we meant no offence,
The characters are fictional, no insult is intended,
But if you recognise someone, that's simply splendid.
Explanation of Incidents and terms
Traditional character who leads the play.
Local Sussex name for "mummers".
Characters in "traditional" mumers play.
One particular holder of this stipend had some novel(!!) ideas about services etc. that left some of the parishioners bemused and estranged. He did broadcast an invitation to join him at the local pub however, as a way of boosting attendance at both establishments.
One local pub landlord is famed and shunned for his rude and abusive behaviour to his customers. He also retained the services of some friendly German Shepherd dogs which roamed free and greeted prospective by the friendly gesture of baring their teeth and barking aggressively. At one time he applied for planning permission to build vending establishments in the pub car park to improve facilities within the village.
The cost of his wares was also renowned. Little wonder his premises were frequently empty.
The countryside is constantly under threat to being sold out for private development. Developers are known for buying large gardens and farms, applying for planning permission for a few houses but eventually building many, often not appropriate for the area.
In one instance where a villager was selling off their large garden for housing, he managed to move the boundary or building line beyond which development was not permitted. This was achieved with minimal publication of the fact giving rise to suspicions of inappropraite behaviour
Refers to an incident where several Parish councillors forgot to put their applications in on time.
The main local industry is a "mushroom farm" and the on going concern over the level of smell cause by medium in which they are grown.
One of the prime causes was that at one time, the spent compost was left to accumulate in vast quantities and became offensive to all. The air around this area (Abingworth) was indeed strong.
Other causes were described as "because the straw was too green and the slurry de-oxigenated".
One attempt to improve matters was the release into the atmosphere of "nicer" smells to cover up the nasty ones.
This led to several local inhabitants forming an "environment committee" who locked horns with Chesswood Produce to try to improve matters.
A selection of residents around the area were equipped with charts and recorded the date and time when the strength of the odour warranted investigation.
The committee recruited the services of a consultant as "expert witness" to advise on matters mushroom.
Chesswoods was subject to a management buy out.
An incident where one local resident, eulogiac in support of the landlord claimed that the "village has no ambience", much to the amazement of those locals who work so hard to create village events.