Chaz:
I'd just like to say that I am soooo glad that this fic is finished. I really enjoyed writing it and everything and wouldn't hesitate at doing one again...BUT...I was the one stuck with writing the ending in the matter of a few hours before Valentines Day, therefore all death threats were aimed at me!! Never have I had so many people threatening to kill me with a phaser rifle. [Jewels starts having a coughing fit] HAPPY VALENTINES DAY EVERYONE!! I finished it alive.

Abi:
Well okay, my first author's comment goes here. I loved writing this with you guys and I think it turned out pretty good!!! Umm, next Valentine's should be started this summer. Then we might get it done in less of a panicked frenzy!! Enjoy the fic everyone...

The Heart of the Rose
By Abi, Chaz, Jewels and Kira (February 1999)

Disclaimer: Paramount own the Federation, Starfleet and everything in it etc. etc. *yawn*

He waltzed into my ready room, seven a.m. sharp, the dopiest grin you ever saw stretched from ear to ear. He didn't ring the door chime before entering, so I tried to give him the customary disapproving look. It was tough to keep up in the first place so when he whisked the rose out from behind his back, even the attempt died. My heart just melted.

"Happy Valentine's Day Kathryn!" His eyes danced. Somebody was definitely pleased with himself and not telling why. Well I could wait him out.

"I - umm, Chakotay, thank you." I stuttered. It was like my brain was refusing to resume normal functions and I know I should have expected something like this, but I didn't. Sure, he'd brought me flowers before, but not like this. Not on Valentine's Day. I guess I'm just an old fashioned gal, but, to me, it embodies everything romantic in the galaxy and this gesture was very... public. Not that it wasn't sweet and I did appreciate it but let's face it, I really don't need any more rumours circulating around my XO and I. Tom Paris, I'm sure, would be glad to let the whole crew know about this little escapade. "What can I do for you commander?" I struggled valiantly on, acutely aware of how formal I was being. I had hoped we would be back on safer ground, but the man just didn't take the hint, subtle though it wasn't.

Chakotay smiled at me, that small, quiet smile of his, the one that tugs ever-so-gently at the corner of his mouth, almost pretending not to be there. Not a good sign. His smiles are his favourite method of flirting and this kind of smile, I'm convinced it's the one he reserves for special occasions, just in case it runs out.

As he pulled his chair around the corner of my desk, I could feel every muscle in my body tense. My internal alarms were screaming at me to get out, while I still could. He took my hands in his and I raggedy drew in a breath and held it, waiting to discover what was coming next.

"Kathryn," he started, "Neelix is making it compulsory that each of us bring a..." he hesitated, "A companion," he said tactfully. "To the party tonight..."

Party?! Was the man trying to get me to have a massive coronary right there and then?!

"Especially since it's Valentine's day." He finished, and looked at me for a response.

I don't know how I managed it, but I managed to summon up some dry sarcasm from somewhere. "Really? I hadn't noticed all the crew floating around on Cloud Nine-"

He grinned and gently pressed a finger to my lips, silencing me. Silence? Hell, I was ready to pass out! Part of me wanted to order the computer to turn up the ventilation in here to clear the air a little.

"I'd be honoured if you'd allow me the pleasure of escorting you."

'My, my, he's being rather formal, isn't he sweetheart?' said my little inner voice. I hissed at it to shut up, and somehow managed to look composed as I nodded and smiled to him. "I'd love to."

He grinned, returned the seat to its proper position, and said, "Good, I'll see you later then." He walked out of the door, but his mind was obviously as screwed up as mine. I know this because he walked out of my ready room and proceeded to slam straight into B'Elanna Torres, who was heading in the opposite direction. I could vaguely hear them apologising to each other until B'Elanna slipped past Chakotay and into my ready room. Not that I noticed her at the time, my mind was still reeling.

"Captain, here's that Warp Core efficiency report you wanted."

Silence.

"Captain?"

More silence.

B'Elanna leaned forward on my desk, staring intently at me, noticing that I still hadn't realised she was in the room with me.

"Captain, breathe!"

I obeyed the order, not realising it had been given to me by someone who I vastly outranked. Perhaps some of my light-headedness was due to a lack of oxygen.

B'Elanna looked at me in puzzlement. "Captain, have you been drinking?"

Is that what she thought?!

"No, I..."

B'Elanna's head turned towards the now sealed ready room door, and grinned viscously. "Oh."

"B'Elanna..." I was going to try and head off any awkward questions about my personal life, but my use of her given name obviously made B'Elanna a little less inhibited. She practically jumped into the chair on the other side of my desk and assumed an attentive position.

"So," she said, "Tell all."

"Tell..." I muttered, my senses just beginning to return to normal. "there isn't really much to tell, B'Elanna." I tried my best not to look my half-Klingon officer into the eyes while I desperately looked around. To my relief I spotted a padd laying in front of my terminal and I grabbed it quickly, pretending to be really busy.

"Captain... Captain!"

I raised an eyebrow. "Was there anything else, Lieutenant?"

B'Elanna just stared at me for what I bet was at least a full minute. Then she sighed heavily and leaned a bit forward while she said, "Actually that was what I wanted to know from you! I know exactly that there was something else. What happened?"

I looked at her and finally put the padd aside. "B'Elanna... He... he just gave me a rose and asked me to go to the party with him because Neelix insisted that no one comes alone. Really, there wasn't anything else..."

"Oooh..." B'Elanna let out a long breath that didn't exactly help to make me feel better. "Soo, there wasn't anything else..?"

"No." I retrieved another padd from the pile that was as usual laying on my desk.

After some minutes came a low "I see." from the chair in front of me and I noticed with a jump the engineer was still sitting there. I had almost forgotten her over my thoughts about...

"What the hell am I going to wear tonight??" The thought came so suddenly and unexpected to my mind that I didn't even notice blurting it out aloud.

"Captain?" B'Elanna gave me a quizzical look.

"Oh, nothing, forget what I said." I murmured, already drifting back into my thoughts while my 'Captain's Side' still tried to cover my sudden excitement about the upcoming event.

B'Elanna chuckled lightly and leaned with both her forearms onto my desk. "What about the nice blue dress you wear so seldom?" She hesitated for the split of a second but then continued, "You know he loves it."

My head shot up and for the first time since she had entered the room I looked her directly into the eyes.

I didn't have to say a single word, because B'Elanna's features grew serious and I knew she had sensed what I had been going to say.

"Captain - Kathryn. Why do you keep ignoring it? You know he adores you - especially in that dress." she gave me a small smile at those words. "You shouldn't keep him at arms length for the rest of eternity. It won't make him very happy - and neither yourself. Chakotay is a very patient man, and I bet for my live he swore to wait for you till the end of time. But I also know, though he'll probably always love you, he'll eventually go on with his life. He can't wait forever. He can't sacrifice his life - not even for a woman he loves as much as he loves you."

She took a deep breath and I sensed she was going to say something else, so I kept quiet. Besides I wouldn't have been able to say a single word anyway; I was too stunned by her devotional speech.

After a moment she added in a lower voice and while taking my hand, "And besides I know exactly you can be happy with him. You just should've seen yourself when I walked into this room. You're absolutely lost!"

I still couldn't think of anything to say when B'Elanna pressed my hand slightly and rose from her chair. She started walking towards the doors, but before she reached her destination, she turned around and said encouragingly, "Think about it. I know I'm one lost romantic and I also know I can't give you any orders, but please, do me the favour and try to figure out - before you go to this party tonight - whether you want to give him just another dance and let him keep on waiting, or if you want to make him a lasting promise tonight."

With that she spun around and was out the door before I could say a single word.

"I promise", I whispered after some time. "I promise I'll think about it..."

**

I looked deeply at my reflection in the mirror, implanting every minute detail into my memory. I'd taken B'Elanna's advice - if that was what you could call it - and worn the blue dress. I guess I thought I owed him to wear it, after all he had been so polite in asking me and had gone to so much trouble in doing so.

The image of Chakotay presenting me with that rose flashed through my mind and along with it, the effect which it had had upon me. I felt my cheeks burn with embarrassment. I hadn't expected a sentimental gift like that, or even if I had, I hadn't planned a reaction for such an event.

What did he want? I knew the answer and hated him for it. Why did he have to want something which was so hard for me to give? Didn't he know that it tore me apart every time I saw him, saw that wanting look in his hypnotic brown eyes?

Shaking my head, I locked away all the thoughts and feelings. I was only wearing the dress to be courteous as it was only courteous to make an effort, wasn't it?

B'Elanna's words suddenly sprang to life, 'Try to figure out - before you go to this party tonight - whether you want to give him just another dance and let him keep on waiting, or if you want to make him a lasting promise tonight.'

How long till the dance? A few hours at most. How was anyone supposed to make a life altering decision - like deciding how one feels about another and acting out on that feeling - in the space of a few hours. That kind of decision needed days, weeks even, for a proper thought out answer.

I just can't decide in a few hours, this isn't fair. I need more time, what if I make the wrong decision and live to regret it?

I closed my eyes, in order to try and block out my thoughts. They were causing too much confusion, too much of a headache.

My attention was soon drawn to the obscure feeling in my stomach. Surely I was not nervous about attending this party with Chakotay. I haven't experienced fear like this before and over something so small. I felt like a Starfleet graduate getting ready to except their first away mission, rather than a Starfleet captain attending a Valentine's party with a her first officer - with a dear friend who wished to become more.

"What am I going to do?" I exhaled softly, releasing all my doubts. "How am I going to face him tonight, knowing what he expects from me and what I'm going to have to do? If I decide to keep things the way they are, I may risk breaking Chakotay's heart as well as my own. But if I decide to take that one step forward and it doesn't work out the friendship which I value more than life itself may be broken beyond repair."

I slowly sat down on the couch by the window and sighed. It was obvious I wasn't going to get a decision just yet. I needed some work to take my mind of everything.

It didn't help. Normally I can get lost in my job, I really do enjoy it. Its my shield when I want to hide from a problem. This time I ran out of work. Well, there's a first time for everything I guess. I've quickly learnt that from my stint in the Delta Quadrant. New alien races, making a deal with the Borg, falling for my first officer... woah. I wasn't ready to commit myself to that, not even inwardly. And B'Elanna confronting me like that. Yes, I'd have suffocated if she hadn't intervened, but she was so, honest. It sure would have been simpler if she'd left me to die.

She really cares for Chakotay. I wondered if Seska hadn't been around and if we hadn't all ended up here then their relationship might have grown. That's a lot of 'if's' though and I didn't doubt his feelings for me, unfortunately. I didn't mean unfortunately. I was flattered and swooning at the thought of being with him that night, which I hadn't done since I was a school girl.

"Why does everything have to be so complicated?" I sighed out loud.

"I don't know, Kathryn. Does it have to be?" I whirled to see Chakotay hovering in the doorway, a doleful look in his eyes. At that moment I completely forgot he had entered without knocking, for the second time that day, as I realised he thought I was about to send him away. I'd be lying if I said it hadn't crossed my mind, but with him there, clutching onto the wilting bunch of assorted flowers in his hand like they were a lifeline, I couldn't. He just looked so... pitiful. Not a word I would usually associate with Chakotay, but he looked exactly like I imagined the hero to be like in the romance novels I had read in my adolescence. At the end when he's been walking in the pouring rain after a fight with his beloved. Of course, then she finds him and they ride off in the sunset to live happily ever after, that was fiction. Was it worth the risk in real life?

I made my decision. I couldn't choose any other. "Chakotay, you're early," I didn't know for sure if that was true, but hey, even starship captains need some means of dodging uncomfortable questions, "give me a minute, I'm not quite ready." At that, two things happened. I'm not ashamed to admit that I ran. I scarpered into my sleeping area faster than the speed of light and as I did I caught a view of Chakotay out of the corner of my eye, exhaling deeply and obviously relieved.

I put it off for as long as I could. I hid out of his view for a good ten minutes but he isn't stupid, bless him, and I knew he would begin to get suspicious eventually. There are only so many times a woman can re-style her hair before it gets ridiculous. Eventually I had decided to clip the sides back, vaguely reminiscent of how I had worn it on New Earth, shorter though it now was.

I brought in a deep breath and prepared myself for what was about to come, still undecided as to what I would do, how far I would let things go that evening.

As I emerged from the sleeping area he let out an involuntary whistle of approval. My cheeks burned. There was that soppy teenager again. I surprised myself at what happened next, it was difficult to decide which of us was most embarrassed. Chakotay's cheeks had turned a deep shade of crimson at my obvious discomfort and wouldn't meet my eyes. Chakotay blushing. This man was definitely full of surprises. Whatever else my evening wouldn't be dull.

I know it was wrong and I immediately regretted it, but I burst out laughing. Couldn't help it. There we were, both in our 40s acting like it was our first date ever. You can't blame me. If you think about it, it really was funny.

"What's so funny?" he asked, looking more than a little confused.

"Oh nothing," I said, struggling to get my breathing under control. I was not going to be the second person in Federation history to die laughing. "It's just," my mouth twitched and I closed my eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath to calm down. "It's just that we're acting like a couple of teenagers."

"We? Try you. I'm not the one who spent the last ten minutes doing my hair."

"You haven't got enough hair for it." I said lightly. "You were the one that gave the whistle."

He looked immediately embarrassed. "You're never going to let me forget that, are you?" he said with evidence of a wince underneath his tone.

"No," I said, with a slightly malicious grin. Ok, maybe I was being a tad cruel, but I have to get some fun somewhere! Feeling a little bit of pity for him, I gestured to the flowers. "If those flowers are for me, can I go and ask the Doctor to get me an emergency medical kit. Because I really think that's the only hope for them."

Chakotay coloured again, and I found I was enjoying that far too much. Kathryn, don't be so sadistic!

"Crewman Katella wouldn't let me take any of the other flowers." He looked at me with such a serious expression that for a moment I almost thought he was making a serious suggestion. "Captain, I recommend that we throw Katella out of an airlock without an environmental suit at the soonest opportunity."

I stared at him for a moment, then laughed. He just gave me a small smile, with the dimples. Did the man want me fainting on him. I glanced towards the chronometer on my desk and realised that if we were much later, I'd have B'Elanna calling me on the com demanding to know if I'd chickened out of going.

I glanced back towards Chakotay, and didn't fail to notice that he averted his eyes quickly, as if I'd caught him staring. "We should go, or the crew will start to wonder what we're up to." I said softly, gesturing towards the door. He waved his arm to allow me to proceed, and I smiled.

"And they say chivalry is dead." I said with a slight smile, and then something occurred to me. "Oh, and Chakotay, don't let me forget to keep Seven away from any alcoholic drinks. She's the only person I've ever met who can get drunk on synthehol."

**

The doors to the mess hall parted and I involuntarily braced myself against... Well, I'm not quite sure myself, I just braced myself. For a split second I caught myself thinking that it was good this wouldn't be a Christmas party - this way I didn't have to expect some unwanted sprigs of mistletoe hanging around. On the other hand, this was going to be a Valentine's Day party. Suddenly I grinned to myself. Maybe it was good this was going to be a Valentine's Day party. Some interesting things had already happened today. I was sure there would be some more.

At this moment Chakotay turned towards me as if he wanted to say something, but when his eyes caught sight of what the parting doors revealed, his mouth clasped shut again in an instant.

This room was definitely where the mess hall had once been, but this was probably not the mess hall.

The bulkheads and ceiling were decorated in bright colours, red being the most used one. Red and white roses were spread over the whole room and made it smell like a garden. The tables were combined to one large buffet table that was barely visible under the many plates and bowls with food. The room buzzed from crewmembers chatting and walking around, only one corner on the other side of the room was still relatively unoccupied, it seemed to be transformed in some sort of dance floor.

Chakotay and I looked at each other and then slowly walked into the mess hall. I half expected a small Talaxian cook to rush towards us, but nothing happened. Instead Tom Paris appeared from nowhere, his arm around the waist of a certain dark-haired half-Klingon.

Suddenly I noticed that Chakotay had taken my hand while we'd stepped into the room. When I looked back at B'Elanna she had obviously seen it already as well, because a wide grin began to form on her face. I smiled back at her before I turned my attention to Tom.

"Captain, Commander", he said. It's good to see both of you here. Neelix will be delighted to find out you're here so early and neither of you is alone. In my opinion his grin was a little bit too large, but another thought crossed my mind before I could say anything about it.

"By the way, do you know where he is, Tom? Normally he doesn't leave one of his parties for a single minute, but I can't see him anywhere..." Not that I minded, a party without a Talaxian is probably far more relaxing than one with a Talaxian who's hurrying around you all the time... But it seemed strange to me and as the captain I knew it was my duty to ask.

Tom smiled mysteriously. "Neelix? Oh, we just... I mean.. I think he went back to the hydroponics bay to get some more flowers for some strange salad he wanted to prepare."

B'Elanna cut in. "I'm sure he'll be back in a minute. Why don't you two go get yourself some drinks? The doctor mixed them, he'd probably love to see you enjoy them. Oh, and they're actually quite good!" she lifted her glass and winked at me.

The Doctor. I had forgotten about him completely. Sometimes he could be as annoying as Neelix. But to my relief I couldn't see him anywhere either, maybe he was trying to convince Seven not to drink too much synthehol.

I started to drag Chakotay towards the kitchen counter that seemed to act like a bar, while I said back over my shoulder to B'Elanna, "Thanks, we will. I'm sure we'll have much fun tonight." The engineer nodded and then went into the other direction with Tom.

Chakotay had already started to fill two glasses and I watched the crowd while I leaned back onto the counter. I felt incredibly relaxed, like I hadn't in months.

Suddenly something crossed my thoughts. I grinned at him. "Do you know who Tuvok is going to come here with?" I asked while I took the drink from him. "Maybe Seven?" I had to grin at the imagination.

Chakotay shook his head slowly. "Kathryn, Kathryn, what are you thinking of your security officer?" Then he broke into a wide grin himself. "No, do you think Harry would let her go for only one minute? I don't think Tuvok would have the slightest chance..."

I tried my best not to burst out laughing. "Poor Harry! Does he know his commanding officer thinks about him this way?"

"Who, me?" he asked in mock astonishment.

"Yes, you." I smiled at him and suddenly noticed I couldn't keep myself from looking at him. I felt myself swaying slightly towards him, but before he could notice I got a grip on myself. My curiosity wouldn't let me end the conversation at this point.

I laid a hand on his arm to regain his attention - though I'm sure that wouldn't have been necessary, I always had his complete attention, even when I didn't ask for it - and said, "Well, now I know Seven is with Harry. But when are you finally going to tell me who Tuvok's companion is?"

Chakotay took my hand from his arm and studied it in a slightly too interested way while he took it in both of his. I discovered almost surprised that it didn't make me feel the least bit uncomfortable. I bet it would have only two weeks, maybe only two days ago. I tried to look into his face from my slightly lower position, but he wouldn't let me. At this moment I was absolutely sure he wanted me to burst from curiosity.

Then he suddenly looked me square into the eye and said with a slight shrug, "I'm afraid Tuvok volunteered for a double shift on the bridge..."

"Coward..." I grumbled.

I remained perched on the counter for a while, in fear of moving I guess, before deciding to circulate the room. Chakotay started to move, in a bid to follow me, but I stopped him with a small smile. "It's alright Chakotay, you can stay here if you want. I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Okay Kathryn. Enjoy your mingling." He smiled that smile which made you feel as if you were going to melt into his strong arms and I contemplated staying, just to be with him a bit longer. Just to see some more of that smile, maybe.

"Bye." I tapped Chakotay lightly on his shoulder, and gave him a sly smile, then ventured off into the crowd, a glass of synthehol in hand.

I manoeuvred myself towards Harry and Seven, a wide smile spread across my face. "Harry, Seven. Glad you could make it." I greeted them and waited for their reply.

"Captain. It is also nice to see you here." Seven nodded her head slightly. "Did Commander Chakotay accompany you?"

"Yes, he did." I was surprised that Seven of all people had asked that question, crew relationships did not appear to interest her in the slightest. Maybe her recently formed friendship with Harry was paying off in bringing the young women out of her former Borg shell. Maybe, just maybe.

Seven did not pursue the line of questioning further. Though, what she had dropped, Harry picked up on. "That's nice Captain. Are you two having a good time here together?"

"Yes Mr Kim, we are." My tone, without meaning to, was harsh and it haltered Harry's next sentence. I don't know why I was so snappy, it wasn't as if being here with Chakotay tonight was bothering me. Was it? Making me think about things of which I had blocked for over three years now. Thoughts I had struggled to avoid, or suppress for as long as I could remember.

"Captain, are you okay?" Seven inquired, as I remained silent.

"Yes Seven. I am fine. Now if you will excuse me, I must circulate this room at least once before returning to Chakotay." And with that I turned on my heels and moved towards the nearest crew members in sight.

I could feel their eyes on my back so I leapt into conversation with a group of crewmen enraptured by a story being boisterously told by Ensign Jordan Phillips. He was retelling his latest adventure from the shore leave a few weeks earlier.

"So there I was, with my arm around this complete stranger. And you know how fussy the Leariones are about that kind of thing - I mean they're worse than Vulcans! I almost died right there and then, if there had been a transport to hell leaving then I swear I'd have taken it. And y'know it's all your fault Karen," He leered at the young crewman he was draped over, "if you didn't look exactly like, no I'm serious, exactly like..."

I listened politely for awhile but honestly I felt like I was drowning. I decided it was time to move on - I had to be fair, captains can't show favouritism - and although it might mean facing Tom, B'Elanna, Harry, or even Seven, I knew it was worth it.

I don't know how, but I made it round the room intact - and without bumping in to any busybodies who had the nerve to dig for gossip over me and Chakotay. It really was a miracle. My eyes scanned the room and found him, still, standing over by the 'bar', half engaged in a conversation with Tom Paris. He too was perusing the room. He smiled as our eyes met and I really had no choice but to join them. No doubt B'Elanna had told Tom about our earlier conversation, so I braced myself for some sticky moments and smiled.

"Kathryn," I cringed at the use of my given name in front of a certain lieutenant, "I wondered where you'd gotten to." Tom, bless him, actually held a straight face as Chakotay and I smiled and greeted each other cordially, only one of us more warmly than the other. I decided to make the best of a bad situation, I was here with Chakotay and I had to deal with that.

"Mmm, sorry but I was ambushed by an enthusiastic and quite probably intoxicated Ensign Phillips."

"Ah," smirked Tom, " and we thought Seven would be the first casualty of the evening."

We all smiled at that, but you could almost taste the tension. The small talk continued, mostly held up by the ever resilient Tom, whilst I attempted to field funny looks from both him and Chakotay. It couldn't go on.

I swallowed hard and then almost jumped out of my skin as the computer started playing some music loudly, and I turned in time to see Raine Lowell standing on the makeshift stage (composed of several boxes lifted from storage) obviously preparing to sing. Tom glanced at the stage and then said, "Why don't the two of you go and dance?" he suggested innocently.

I could have shot him out of the nearest torpedo tube at the moment, and from the look of surprise on Chakotay's face, he'd have probably helped me load them. But he seemed to look thoughtful for a moment, then turned to me and extended his hand in a gentlemanly fashion.

"Care to dance?" he asked.

He had to ask? "Of course." I said sweetly, and we walked off towards the dance floor, leaving a rather surprised helmsman in our wake.

We brushed past Seven and the Doctor on our way to the dance floor, and it would have been hard not to notice what they were saying.

"Seven," the Doctor was saying, holding his hand out patiently. "Give me the drink."

"Why?" she demanded sullenly. "I'm not drunk."

The Doctor snapped his fingers in front of her face. "I'm over here." He said impatiently.

Seven blinked and turned her head in the right direction. "Oh right... well... as I was saying. I'm not drunk!"

"Is that a fact? What's twelve add three?"

"Twenty four." Said Seven instantly, and it was hard not to notice the fact that Seven's eyes seemed a little foggy.

"You're coming to sickbay and I'm running a detox program. Give me the drink."

The Doctor tried to prise Seven's drink out of her hand, but she held on, and they engaged in a little tug of war between themselves. Seven's co-ordination was obviously slipping as she lost her grip on the glass after a couple of seconds.

"Oh... Doctor..." started Seven in a whining voice, but it trailed off as the Doctor gripped her by the arm and started hauling her towards the door.

I looked at Chakotay as we neared the dance floor. "I'm now convinced." I said.

Chakotay just looked at me in confusion. "Of what?"

"We're commanding a lunatic asylum."

"You mean you only just noticed?"

I grinned at that.

He smiled and I noticed it was hard to keep myself from staring at that georgous dimples of his. 'Too hard, in fact', the little nasty voice at the back of my head seemed to murmur.

But then I suddenly heard Lowell start to sing in a deep, beautiful voice and at the same moment Chakotay's arms slipped around my back and he started to sway softly to the music. I put my arms around his neck, but still stayed a little distance away to be able to look into his eyes.

He studied my face carefully and with an intensity that sent a sudden chill down my spine. I tried hard not to shiver at the sensation, but - of course - my way-too-attentive first officer noticed something.

I'm absolutely sure he has some kind of sixth sense for things like this. Sometimes I hate him for this - at other times I love him for it. At this moment I was torn between both.

But thankfully I didn't have much time to think about it any longer, because of course Chakotay would have never let me go like this.

"Are you okay?" he asked with this expression on his face that only gives the slightest hint of worry away, but that hides so much more if you just know him well enough.

I do. But out of a very sudden decision I ignored all voices in my head, all dark thoughts and deep worries. I just gave a little laugh and said, with a light pat on his shoulder, "Of course I'm okay. I feel wonderful. And the evening is lovely. I don't think we've had such a nice party for a very long time, what do you think?" I didn't give him much time to answer because before my proper thinking could return, the next words were already out of my mouth. "And besides I think I'm at the most perfect place that possibly exists in the whole Delta Quadrant, or even Voyager."

Damn. I wanted to bite my tongue. Had I been drinking too much?? Maybe the doctor should run his detox program on me as well...

My thoughts started to race again - but it was too late; I had obviously needed them already about a minute earlier. Well, now it didn't matter anymore. I couldn't take my words back - and honestly, I didn't really want to. I just wasn't quite sure what the consequences might be.

In the first place the consequence was a very confused looking first officer of mine. After a minute he finally asked, "Do you really think so?"

All I could manage was a nod and a small smile. What else could I possibly have done? Shake my head?? I didn't even want to think about what the consequences would have been if I'd have done that.

But the next of his questions stopped me short, in my thinking as well as in my movements.

"Then why did you more or less 'run away' from me to make your way around this room?"

Damn that man! Can't he be lucky when he gets what he wants? Did he always have to question everything? Did he always have to know everything??

Of course he did. He wouldn't be the Chakotay I - what? Loved? I couldn't. Admired, that was more of a logical answer. Christ Kathryn, you're not a Vulcan, you do have emotions, why should you ignore them? Because it would complicate issues too much. Now I'm arguing with myself, this can not be the best state of mind for a Captain to be in.

A realisation stunned me. Had I not been trying to avoid the same problem I now found myself facing? Too many thoughts, I couldn't do it. I was suffocating in here. Halting the dance, I looked deeply into Chakotay's searching eyes.

"Kathryn? Are you alright?" He asks me, his voice wavering as if fearing the answer.

"I can't do this anymore, I have to get out of here." I whispered, before turning from Chakotay and hurridly walking towards the exit. In my rush, I ran past Neelix and hear him talking to Chakotay, he had the roses he wanted. Oh god, he even had roses for me. I made it to the turbolift and slowly relaxed as the doors swish shut and the gentle hum of the lift took me to my quarters. Now inside, I found myself replaying those last few events over and over in my mind.

As turbo lift stopped, I couldn't escape quicker, and I almost ran down the corridor to the safe haven of my quarters. Inside, I collapsed on one of the chairs and breathed a sigh of relief. I had escaped.

As I rested my head in my hands I heard the door chime. It was him, no doubt about that. I remained silent and I heard him tap in the override on the door lock. The doors swished open to reveal Chakotay standing there, a look of severe determination painted across his furrowed brow.

"Kathryn," He started, before venturing further.

"Just leave Chakotay, I really want to be alone." I can't bear for him to see me like this, in such a shallow state of mind.

Chakotay took another step forward. "We've been avoiding this for too long, we can't run away from it forever."

Facing the window, I turned my back on Chakotay. "I can try."

Chakotay's hurt was apparent, but he continued anyway. "Well if you can't talk, then you're just going to have to listen"

"Leave me alone Chakotay. Every time I look at you, I know how you feel. You don't have to tell me again." Why wouldn't he go away, didn't he know it would cause more pain staying?

Chakotay suddenly marched over towards me. Grabbing my wrist, he twisted me around to face him, "Then tell me how you feel." I could see our darkened silhouettes in the window, him holding my shoulders, keeping me from looking away from him.

Twisting away from him, I half heartedly speak. "You don't want to know...."

"Stop being so stubborn Kathryn, you know I do." Chakotay's harsh voice echoed around the room.

I whirled around to face him, suddenly angry. "So you really want to know?"

Softly, Chakotay answered. "Yes"

My face didn't match Chakotay's, instead it still flared with anger. "Well, you really want know. Then fine. I do have feelings for you, in fact I'm damn right crazy about you. Every time I close my eyes, you're there. Does that make it any better?" Slowly my anger began to dissolve away to form despair. "You know there's still no chance for us and there never will be."

"I know." Chakotay whispered as he sat down beside me "But tell me again Kathryn. Why is there no chance for us?"

"Because there'd be too many complications. It would not work. I'm this ship's Captain and you're the commander, a relationship could never work under that situation."

Chakotay's body stiffened and he slowly rose. "Fine, have it your way." He began to walk away, but paused at the door. "Happy Valentines day Kathryn, for what its worth." He then left and the doors swished shut behind him.

Alone in my quarters, I sat and thought. About what Chakotay said. What would change if I finally gave him what he wanted? If we had a fight, we may lose the greatest friendship. We already have fought and perhaps lost that very friendship. People would stare and point at us. They already did that. I would not be in a stable mind to captain the ship. I already am not in the right state of mind. I suddenly realised the answer to my question. Nothing would change. But he will never have me now, I've ruined my only chance for happiness.

Wiping my eyes, a thought entered my clouded mind. Maybe I could catch him, maybe all isn't lost. Standing up, I ran out, the doors swished open and I saw Chakotay leaning against the wall. He looks up and our eyes meet.

I knew he could see in my eyes that I had reconsidered, there was never no real need for words. I could sense hope in those solemn brown eyes of his as he took a nervous step towards me.

I whispered, "Chakotay." and he took another step and was right next to me. I could feel his breath intoxicating my aura. He reached out a hand and hesitantly rested it on my face. I reached my hand up and enclose it over his.

We were one. Neither of us knew what to do now. A tear slowly ran down my face and he lovingly wiped it away.

It is not a new beginning for us, or a new start, we're at the same place, just looking at it with a wider perspective.

He removed his hand and I removed mine all in one motion and he took me in his arms, into a strong embrace. He was hugging me tightly, as if fearing that I would change my mind and I would be once again lost to him.

"Happy Valentines Day Chakotay. For what its worth." I whispered into his ear, the phrase almost having me in tears.

He laughed and then released me, holding me at arms length. "Let's rejoin the party Kathryn, there's a little present waiting for you there." And with that he slipped his masculine hand around my waist and led me down the corridor, both of us unsure where this path would take us, but sure that it would lead to greater things.