“Hi, I'm Adrian Ftang. You might remember me from such programmes as Ftang Bang, my late night show on sexual health matters, which ran on Channel Four in the late 80s. Since then, I've been sending off demo tapes to radio stations all around the UK and, most recently, you might have heard my dulcet tones in my capacity as Deputy Manager announcing special offers at the Swaffham branch of Radio Shack. I've been a close personal friend of Dogs Must Be Carried ever since the cheque cleared in my account and, although I've never heard their music, I can honestly say I haven't been this excited about a musical act since I got trapped below stage at a Rachel Stevens in store public appearance.”
ADRIAN FTANG CURRENTLY HOSTS THE DOGS MUST BE CARRIED TOP 5O ON COMEDY 365
ADRIAN FTANG: Richard, thanks for joining me here.
RICHARD CRAY: Adrian, it’s a pleasure. Are you sure the manager won’t mind us doing the interview in the store cupboard?
AF: He’s at lunch. Now, here’s the list of questions. If you’d just like to fill out the answers using blue or black ink in block capitals, I’ll come back in 30 minutes and we can go down the pub and get bladdered like we used to back in the old days.
RC: I thought this was going to be a proper interview.
AF: It is.
RC: It isn’t, Adrian - this is a meme.
AF: No, it isn’t...well, yes it is - one of my friends on MySpace did it for me because I’ve been under stress re-applying for my own job. But they’re the kind of incisive, probing questions I would’ve asked you anyway.
RC: Adrian, the only reason I asked you to do this interview was to have some information available on the website for journalists, so that I didn’t have to do the usual round of promotion, answering the same old tired questions over and over again.
AF: That’s not the only reason, is it?
RC: No, you’re right - Jayne Middlemiss won’t touch me after last time.
AF: Hmm. Sit down and do the meme. I’ve got fantastic satnav deals to announce...
THE DOGS MUST BE CARRIED INTERVIEW MEME
What do you sleep in? A bed.
What items can't you leave the house without? A blowtorch and an airbrush gun.
What's the best fashion advice you've ever received? “'I’d put that back on the rail if I were you, sir, you can't afford it.”
If you had an after shave named after you, what would it be called? Guff pour Homme.
What's the best thing to do before going to a party? Remember who the host is.
What's in your bag? Two very healthy testicles.
What was the last CD you bought? The Best of Sir Denny Bent & His Fishermen
What was the last book you read? Alvin Hall’s How to Stop Spending Money You Haven’t Got on CDs.
What's your favourite meal? Antony Worrall Thompson’s Snickers Pie. Failing that, Antony Worrall Thompson, foil baked by Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall with salsa verde.
What's your favourite album of all time? The Beach Boys' Pet Sounds.
What's your favourite holiday destination? New York.
What's your ideal holiday destination? Lapland, to get me some of that hot reindeer action.
Are you a member of any club? Yes, the Wheeltappers & Shunters Rebel Motorcycle Club.
If money were no object, where would you live? The Bank of England.
Where are you least likely to live? Catford.
Who should be the next Mayor of London? Worzel Gummidge.
How do you react when you see a nun? I ask her for her autograph, but specify that I want her to sign her real name, not the one the convent gave her.
Is the glass half empty or half full? Neither - it's broken.
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