It's Hell Gettin' Old

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.

The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to urinate, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing." said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a dump, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible."

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I whiz like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I take a dump like a pig." The eighty-year-old looked at the seventy-year-old, then looked back at the ninety-year-old incredulously and asked, "So what's your problem?"

"I don't wake up till eleven." he replied.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Bonus Joke! The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

Sothe next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following not on his door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.
7. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer the cross as the big T
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "eat me".
12. The Virgin May is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A-Dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at ST. Taffy's.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!