Just Visiting

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years.  Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives.

Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.

"I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great.  Where do you live?"

"Here's the address.  And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment.   Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter!  When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door.  Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in." "Good.  But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front  door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Monkeys

A man decides that he really wants a pet monkey so he goes in the local pet store and asks if they have any monkeys. The store owner takes him to the back of the store and there's a cage with two identical monkeys in it. The man asks how much the monkeys are, and the owner says "The one on the left is $500, and the one on the right is $5000." The man asked why there was such a price difference between the two and the owner says that the $500 monkey is just a normal monkey, but the $5000 monkey was owned by a famous porn star and she taught it to give outstanding blow-jobs. The man thinks it over and decides to go with the $5000 monkey. A few days later, the man is at home and his wife comes home. As soon as she opens the door, she hears this incredible crashing and banging coming from the kitchen. She goes to the kitchen only to see the monkey standing on a chair in front of the stove. Her husband hands the monkey a frying pan and the monkey then throws the frying pan as hard as it can across the room and it hits the wall and falls on the floor. The wife is completely perplexed by this and watches this process repeat about 10 times before she pipes up and asks her husband what he's doing. The husband looks at his wife and says "Sweetheart, as soon as this monkey learns how to cook, you're outta here!"