STUFF! HAPPENS. READ IT FOR A LAUGH

A L L W O M E N A R E T A R T S


Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair?
Because if you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt.

Why did god give men penises?
So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

Why did God give women nipples?
To make suckers out of men.

What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

How can you tell a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.

Why is a woman like a dog turd?
The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.

What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.

How does a woman know that she is overweight?
She's lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea.

How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner??
Why the hell should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing!

Why are women like screen doors?
Once they get banged a few times,they loosen up.

What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.

What's the most active muscle in a woman?
The penis.

How are women like parking spaces?
The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

How are girls like rocks?
The flat ones are better to skip.

Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.

What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
You come in one and go in the other.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

What do you call a woman who can suck an orange through a waterhose?
Darling.

Why do women skydivers wear tampons?
So they don't whistle on the way down.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.

Why did God make man first?
He didn't want to have a woman looking over his shoulder.

What do you call that useless piece of skin around a pussy?
A woman.

What's the definition of Male Chauvinist Pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body--except his own.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

Why does it take five women with PMS to change a light bulb?
IT JUST DOES!!

How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's love?
The delusion that one woman is different from another.

What should you do if your girlriend starts smoking?
Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

What do you do when the dishwasher won't work? Kick her.

Why are cyclones/tornadoes usually named after women?
Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house.

Why do women have two holes?
So when they get drunk you can carry them like a six-pack.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.

Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn't breed.

Why did the Army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
They fought like animals and retained water for four days.

Why is a fat woman like a moped?
They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn t want you r friends to see you on either.

Why can't you trust women?
How can you trust something that can bleed for five days and not die?

What's the best thing about a blowjob?
Ten minutes of silence.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don t have balls to scratch.

Why do women have legs?
So they won't leave snail tracks.

Did you hear about the new all female delivery service?
It s called PMS - they deliver whenever the hell they feel like it.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

What's on a woman's mind when she puts on sexy underwear?
The words "does my bum look big in this".



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