E A R . J O H N / J O A N

How do you tell a partner its over? Its often a painful process, so daunting that often couples stagger on with their faultering relationship each too cowardly to tell the other its finished. The closest they ever come to telling them "goodbye" is to "I'll call you next week" while looking anywhere but straight in the other person's eye. But now Millennium man and woman have a painless way to dump their partner. Its safe, its affordable and you won't get hit by flying crockery or have to discover that s/he's got a mouth like a Glasgow stevedore.

And its at your fingertips right now. BYEmail.

Forget the fax. Tell him/her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete his/her response without ever reading it. (If you were foolish enough to give out your address in the first place) What could be more painless?

And to make things even easier we, the ever thoughtful Stuff!Staff have even provided the form. Just fill in the recipients name and address, check whichever reason you will be using, add a personal line of your own and let us do the dirty work for you.

E A R . J O H N . part 2

It is important when writing a "Dear John" to pay attention to the punctuation of your letter. The two examples below show how the meaning of such a letter can be totally changed by a few misplaced commas.

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria

Dear John:

Yours,

Gloria

O N ' T . D O . I T . L I K E . T H A T . . .

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples:

*"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

*"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

*"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

* "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

* "I am a rabid typist."

*"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

* "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

* "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

* "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

*"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

*"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

*"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

* "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

* "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."

* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil."

* "Qualifications: No education or experience."

* "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

* "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

* "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

* Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

O . I T . L I K E . T H I S

The Ideal Resume

This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment.

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

M A L L B A C O N

Alta Vista's new translation service is a brilliant free service for the web but it is not without its faults. When including a link to the feature from the web sites I build for my clients I've often wondered what, for instance, a Portugese visitor might be seeing. So I tried it for myself. And because I can't speak Portugese I used the service to translate it back - with some hilarious results. It got me thinking..what if Shakespeare had been Portugese...and his translator Greek. Perhaps Hamlet's most famous speech might have looked like this:

Enter SmallBacon:

You be or not you be: that one is the question:
Tis of the sheep castrated more splendid in the understanding, in order to suffer
to the belts and to the arrows from the outrageous rich,
or to check of the levers of the arms for meeting a sea of the problems,
and, is impudent and opposed, in order to terminate it. It dies, sleeps -
more terminates, and thus a sleep to vouch for
heartache stop and the thousand natural impacts
that the meat is inheriting
Die, sleep. Sleep, by chance for dreaming. Hey, here is a Chinese burn,
stops in this sleep of the death that dreams can come
when we waltz over the edge of this mortal bobbin
if we give them the break. It has respectively act, which for
state of emergency therefore are enough for life span,
for who would load the whips and scorns of the time,
The error of Th'oppressor, proud man contumely,
pangs of disprized the love, the delay of the law,
insolence of the office, and spurns
this patient distinction of taking th'unworthy,
when he himself could its quietous make with
one bodkin uncovered? Who these fardels load,
to make pig noise and to sweat under a tired life,
but that one dread of something after the death,
the country not yet explored whose it Bourn
no traveller returns, enigmas the will,
and in they make them to rather to load those problems we stops having
of whom it stops flying to others where we know not?
Thus conscience makes cobardes of us all,
and thus indiginous skin colour of the definition
is sick over the pale mold of the thought,
and the companies of pith great of the moment
with this consideration that its currents turn awry,
and loses the name of the action. Soft you, now,
the Ophelia just! - the nymph in orisons thy
either all mine sins remembered.