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Foe!

The Malodorous Vegefactuum

Sister Flossie writes to update us on the Asparagus Wars

Throughout history, the order of mad Nuns has done battle with a multitude of evil vegetables that seek to overthrow the aubergine led forces of good.

But I am pleased to announce that whilst on a whelk wrestling trip on the barren plains of East Albion, Sister Loft Insulation III has discovered an ancient book of spells which we hope will give us a vital edge in the fight against Herbert The Diabolical Marrow of Doom and his wicked hordes.

No-one knows of the exact origins of the spellbook, but the author appears to be a good sorceress of the region who has signed her epistle by the name Delius Smithius.

One of its spells details the torture of a cauliflower, which one can only assume had been caught red-stemmed in the act of parsnipcide:

"To kille the eyvil caule-flowwer, first ensure that itte is truly eyvil by ducking itte in a vatte or cauldron of boiling water. If the caule-flowwer doth flote to the toppe, it is indeed eyvil and must be dispatched to the after-liyfe post haste!!

Smother it in melted cheese - for all doth know of the protective power of cheese - chanting "Now I'm using a mature farmhouse cheddar, but Red Leicester works well and Gruierre makes an unusual alternative"

Then, when the caule-flowwer is suffocated by the protective cheese, burn it at the steak until itte be cooked, cooked and cooked (serve while hot)."

There is another spell which we hope may be the solution to the problem of interrogating captured asparagus:

"The asparagus in his raw stayte is a tough and brittle subject. First, snappe him in the middle to break away his harde and woodye base for this removes much of his eyvil will. Then place him in a steamer so he broils slowly in great payne for a quarter of a revolution of the clocke. Then , when his bodye is tender to the bite, smother him in melted butter and presente him to be devoured."

In the same cache of books, the good sister also found works explaining the bizarre art of housewifery. I will write again once we have investigated the concept of being a chef in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen.