The wit and wisdom of Sister Flossie

Addled Education Sister Flossie (currently on another Vatican Hanging Tour of Italia) sends us the first part of her correspondence course in "Swearing And Cursing In Foreign Languages" Greetings my dears from Clarence and I. We hope that your Plymouths are blooming and many bananas of good fortune are pouring into your lives. We have received the latest Rapscallion and have been mightily intrigued by the ''Swearing Special''. Our dear brother Ming truly deserves his newly acquired title and we congratulate him on this great honour. This has inspired us to compare the swear words so skilfully employed in the known world to those that offend tender ears here in the uncharted republics of Italia. There are many similarities and notable differences to be found. ''Merda'' and ''maroni'' are the exact equivalents of ''shit'' and ''bollocks'' and can be confidently used as such. So can ''puttana'' (slut) be directly substituted to describe the profession of our dear sister Fanny. However, despite its similar meaning, ''porca troia'' (dirty slag) is used more as a curse. For instance it would be correct to utter this upon discovery that your bull yak has escaped from its paddock, inseminated your mother and killed several small children. In fact it may be something of an understatement. ''Va' fan culo'' (pronounced vah-fan-cool-oh) is the perfect way to say ''fuck off'' in Italian, although its literal meaning is more like ''go stick it up your arse''. Should you wish to describe the gentle art of physical love, the verb ''scopare'' is more appropriate, e.g.; ''Ti voglio scopare'' (I want to fuck you) or ''Stiamo scopando tutto il pomeriggio'' (We have been fucking all afternoon). Those of us seeking to perfect chat-up lines should take note of this important distinction. But for me the most intriguing difference between the two languages lies with their use of the nouns describing mens and ladies private parts. ''Figa'' although it indeed means ''front bottom'' does not double up as a harsh insult. Instead ''Che bella figa'' (literally : what a beautiful cunt) means roughly ''Wow, what a hot piece of tottie'' or is used as a particularly uncouth way of saying '''Ello darlin'''. ''Cazzo'' - meaning ''todger'' however is a very versatile word and is used in a multitude of vulgar expressions. It's literal meaning is captured in the insult ''Testa di cazzo!'' (dickhead), but it comes into its own when shouted as a curse. Then ''Cazzo!'' is the equivalent of ''Oh fuck!''. It can also be incorporated into other phrases where we would idiomatically use the word ''fuck''. An Italian could say ''Oh prick!'', ''What the cock are you doing?'', ''I don't give a penis'' or ''I haven't done a smeggy knob all day.'' Well, that's the end of our beginners lesson. Once you have memorised its contents you will be qualified to exchange insults with the manager of ''Casa Mario'' on the High Street when they put the wrong drinks on your bill. But despite its versatility, you may find that Italian is not the best language to swear in. Indeed when flung at the uninitiated, there is the danger of your tirade of obscenities being mistaken for a lecture on the history of art. Next time we will be looking at elementary Chinese. Apparently the word ''Stop!'' can so easily be mispronounced to mean ''Vagina''. Oh the beauty and diversity of world languages. Watering The Yak Friends that know me well will be aware that I am very fond of my communion wine. They will also know that I am fond of the communion lager, bitter, home brew, Jack Daniels and even ''green sheeeet'' should the Al Shahid kindly offer. In order to minimise the inevitable hangover after an evening of particularly intense worship, Clarence always makes sure I drink a tankard of holy water before retiring. Naturally after such a hard day's communion I have a great need to water the yak at regular intervals. Whilst at home in the convent this involves just a short trot along the cloisters, but at an event such as Renewal nocturnal tinkling becomes a problem. The boys amongst you may not quite appreciate my point. After all if you chaps need to wee-wee, all you have to do is find a dark corner, whip out your todger and just swizzle. Okay, it would be more hygenic if you left the yurt first, but boys will be boys. For we girls, however, life is less simple. We can brave the long hike to the latrine but this can be difficult to locate in the dark, especially when a whole bottle of wine has been consumed. Even if you do arrive there in one piece the back page of Rap 12 eloquently describes the dangers that may lurk within. Alternatively we can discreetly disappear into the woods, whip down our drawers and donate our copious waters to a needy tree. Here one risks many a misfortune, brambles up the jacksie, the occasional hedge-pony bite, accidentally tinkling on one's boots and cloak or heaven forbid losing one's balance and falling into the freshly produced puddle. So what's a girl to do? Loobiz the long one seems to have come up with a solution; keeping a large pickle jar in one's tent for overnight ablutions. This could be the answer we seek, but remember to take care to empty it with your left hand in the morning. That's the last thing you want to be holding when a Mongol orders you to ''feeeneeesh it''.