Transcript:
Show 'B'
By Scott Wills

Chris: Hello. I'm Chris Addison.
Lauren: I'm Lauren Laverne, and this is the Alphabet Show. Think of us as bouncers outside the nightclub of music telly entertainment throwing out boredom and letting in only the fun, the hip, and the happening.
Chris: Yeah, boredom: Your name's not on the list and you're not coiming in I don't care who you know.
Lauren: Well today's show is brought to you by the letter B; whose call sign for keep-on-trucking truckers is 'Bravo'.
Chris: Or 'Bazoomers' if you're trying to annoy the neighbours, I always think. B's also for Bacus the God of Roman Booze. What's the worst thing you've ever done when shopped full of booze, Lauren? And you can lie.
Lauren: Erm, okay. Well the worst thing I ever did, and you can guess whether I'm lying or not, is waking up in a room with about 30 people in it and reaching across, not knowing where I am, and touching a small girl who was dressed in a PVC catsuit.....
Chris: True!
Lauren: .....to hear her cry out. I was very ashamed.
Chris: Oh Lord; that's a bit scary.
Lauren: What's the worst thing you've ever done?
Chris: Told a girl I loved her. Ooooooh! I didn't mean that!
Lauren: Was that me?!
Chris: No, no, I do love you.
Lauren: Anyway, B is also for BMX.
Chris: Yeah, and Big Barry White. Now, you're probably thinking that the two are unlikely to be found together because the NSPCB, the National Society for the Provention of Cruelty to Bikes (and that's the kind that you pedal) would be up in arms.
Lauren: Pedal in what sense?
Chris: Just...pedal. Move on!
Lauren: Okay. Well we found them featuring heavily in our next video which is FLC or the Fun Lovin' Criminals with "Love Unlimited".

Lauren: So if we're naked and we see each other, we don't mind.
Chris: Really?
Lauren: Yeah, it's alright.
Chris: That's kinda cool. Nah; icky. That's the Fun Lovin' Criminals, the FLC, with "Love Umlimited". And apparently, well done, they did all their own bike stunts in that video. Well done. Have you ever had a BMX or similar stunt bike?
Lauren: Well, yes. I had a Raleigh Princess which had a delicious plastic basket at the back for putting your dolls in, and which doll you had was a mark of how cool you were.
Chris: And which doll did you have?
Lauren: I had a baby cabbage patch kid, which made me very, very cool.
Chris: Baby cabbage patch? They weren't fully grown cabbage patch? They should have had a grown up cabbage patch. That would have been hilarious. Adults with deformed heads and weird staring eyes.
Lauren: Bodies that were just some kind of sacking containing a grain of some sort...
Chris: Like tall Karnies. Anyway.... Let's form a band called the Tall Karnies!
Lauren: Okay then. We'll talk about it after.
Chris: Now, this next video is Brimful of backflipping...blokes...black flipping blokes?! They're playing Othello, clearly the game with the white and the black thing. That was a rubbish game. A minute to play, a lifetime to master, and about half an hour to get completely bored with. And also, Broadway.
Lauren: Well yeah, coz it's the puffing princess herself, Bjork, being "Oh So Quiet!"

Chris: So, as long as, there's no imputation of funny business; in the rugby bath, horse play is acceptable.
Lauren: Really?
Chris: Bjork there. She's only 9 inches tall in platform trainers but she's got a punch like a mouth full of Misissippi Moonshine.
Lauren: I like the aliteration there by the way.
Chris: Ta, mate.
Lauren: Now it's time once again to delve into our lexicon of rap music terminology: The Hip-Hop Encyclopedia.
Chris: Today's letter is B. And our chosen phrase word b-boy.
Lauren: It's *B*-Boy.
Chris: It's b-boy.
Lauren: It's *B*-Boy.
Chris: b-boy. It's like saying "goodbye" in Birmingham: "B-byeee!" We're going to give you a choice of three definitions for the phrase b-boy and hope that you can be bothered to guess the correct one. Thank goodness it's not the A show!
Lauren: So, does b-boy refer to (a) breakboy - a devotee of old skool hip-hop - 'taking it back to the old skool coz he's an old fool who's so cool' - breakdancing, such as...
Chris: Are we allowed to sample?!
Lauren: ...Funkmaster Flex and his rap crazy cronies.
Chris: Or does it stand for (2) a bad-boy, like the terrible children at school who got detention and never took the rubbish out for their mams?
Lauren: Or (3) is a b-boy simply a phrase used to describe a trainee apiarist ; the young whipper-snappers of the bee keeping world?
Chris: That's right. It's a tricky one, homies. Lauren, is it true that you can do the snake?
Lauren: No, but I'd hang around why don't you: we've got Beastie Boys, Bon Jovi, and Blur. You'd be mad to miss it. Barmy.

[adverts]

Lauren: And so in real terms we only actually feed in groups because we won't eat if there's only one eating. I don't like it.
Chris: Hello! We're still here.
Lauren: Hello! So are you.
Chris: Which is how it should be. This is still the Alphabet Show.
Lauren: Before the break, we asked you if you knew the meaning of the phrase b-boy, which was plucked mercilously from the dusty pages of the Hip-Hop Encyclopedia.
Chris: It's b-boy, not *B*-Boy. *B*-Boy is the sound that the hip-hop emergency services makes.
Lauren & Chris: B-Boy! B-Boy! B-Boy! B-Boy!
Chris: Have you got the skills to pay those bills? Let's see...
Lauren: Well does B-Boy refer to (1) a breakboy, a devotee of old skool hip-hop and breakdancing....
Chris: Or does it stand for (2) a bad-boy like the terrible children at school....
Lauren: Or (3) is a b-boy simply a phrase used to describe a trainee apiarist ; who are the upcoming talent among the bee-keeping elite?
Chris: The answer is surprisingly, (1). Someone skilled in the noble art of breakdancing. Obviously.
Lauren: Christopher: Am I a demanding TV wife?
Chris: No. Good Lord, not at all.
Lauren: Well break for me like as you've never broken before.

(Chris breakdances)

Chris: There.
Lauren: That was rubbish.
Chris: Thanks.
Lauren: I'm not saited. The following video features renowned B-boy types the Beastie Boys, only this time they're not breakdancing, they're engaged in an hilarious pastiché of 70's cop-shows: It's "Sabotage".

Lauren: You know what? I am not Satan!
Chris: You are not Satan.
Lauren: I refute claims that I am Lucifer. We're demi-gods! Why would I be Satan? Never met the man.
Chris: The Beastie Boys there with "Sabotage".
Lauren: What was your favourite 70's cop-show?
Chris: I'd have to go with the slightly obscure "Freebie and the Bean". They only ever made 12 episodes.
Lauren: Mine was "Quincey".
Chris: "Simon and Simon" - I quite liked that aswell, but strictly speaking that wasn't cops. Anyway, pay attention everybody because it's time for us all to get fretting with Lauren.
Lauren: Yes it is.
Chris: Today's letter is B and Lauren is going to show you how to play a B chord.
Lauren: (plays guitar) Ahh! That's beautiful B; That's how it goes. I play it as a bar chord up there, which is much easier. You can move it around and change faster. Which is actually true, that's not even funny. Know what I mean, it's not even funny, that's just the truth. That wasn't a joke. I was just telling it like it is.
Chris: Shush now!
Lauren: Well you know?!
Chris: You're getting tautologist again. Do we know any songs in B?
Lauren: I do, yeah. Well nearly every song is in er...you know, such as erm...I don't know...nearly every one.
Chris: Nearly every song such as 'I don't know?'
Lauren: The classic ones; all the classic songs go E - A - B: It's a very classic change.
Chris: Jolly good. Marks out of ten for the chord then - must be fairly high?
Lauren: I would give it like, pretty high, like a eight/eight and a half.
Chris: Thankyou so much Lauren Laverne.
Lauren: Well you know, my pleasure. But let's see those rockers Bon Jovi rock it out in the key of B... And look it up kids, it's one more time their seminal (look it up) rock anthem, "Living on a Prayer".

Chris: But on the other hand, if flowers fail, last resort, is received wisdom, orienteering. Works every time.
Lauren: Oh.
Chris: Bon Jovi there, telling us how he's only half way there and living on a prayer. I think Jon Bon Jovi has no right talking about that sort of thing. Berl Ives - he's another evil B. Berl Ives; grandpappy of children's music. Bearded and a vulcanising indulgent kindly face belied the soul of a man prepared to spread lies and filthy propaganda to wee kiddies across the globe for fun and profit. I know an old lady who swallowed a fly. Do you? Do you really, Berl?
Lauren: I inhaled a fly once.
Chris: No you didn't.
Lauren: I sniffed and it went up my nose and I blew it out again.
Chris: Right, you didn't swallow it though did you? You inhaled.
Lauren: That's just for everyone with hangovers just to think about. Ruminate on that! No, no, I didn't swallow it. Definitely no farm yard animals went in after it.
Chris: Rumination involves bringing stuff up and chewing it again.
Lauren: That's rugurgitation.
Chris: That's what ruminants do: like sheep. And cows.
Lauren: Get on with it.
Chris: No, you couldn't swallow a fly. Let's just run through the logistics involved in this song so called Berl so called Ives: 'She swallowed a fly', yeah alright, like you were saying, I think we can all believe that.
Lauren: Well it's happened to me!
Chris: Accidents will happen. But, if you just left it there; if Berl had just left it there we would have believed him. He'd still have been Uncle Berl and we could all just got on with our lives. But oh no! You had to get greedy, didn't you? You actually want us to believe she deliberately swallowed a spider in a weak attempt to alleviate the situation in some way. Maybe if she was a really mad old lady then yes, this could just be seen as some bizarre and sick story. Not necessarily suitable for a song aimed at children in the 2 - 6 age bracket perhaps. But what next Berl? She swallows a bird? Without even chewing? You yourself even confess in the lyrics how absurd to swallow a bird. Well, quite. From here on in you've just lost your audience. You thought you were pushing the envelope but no! You were just pushing your luck. From here on in your increasingly outlandish claims about ingesting cats and dog eating cows simply looked like the thrashings of a drowning man as he tries to win back the audience. But they've moved on, Berl! They're not there anymore! Betrayed by you, they've moved on onto the next stall in the market, onto a bright new hope; Danny Kaye! A young man with bright eyes and his plausible tales of a cute little tuba called Blubby. You blew it! You blew it old man! Of course, B is also for Brit-Pop and the barons of Brit-Pop, Blur, and this is "The Universal".
Lauren: Dare I ask if that means that everyone in the entire universe likes it?
Chris: Interestingly enough.....no.

Lauren: It was tubby.
Chris: No. You see Blobby the Tuba was the original one: that made sense. Then tubby; that started to speak. And that's where Danny Kaye...
Lauren: It's inconsequential, just calm down...okay?
Chris: Blur, there. With "The Universal", and a video heavily influenced by 1972 film "A Clockwork Orange" which has been banned in the UK, meaning the United Kingdom, since 1973.
Lauren: Well Chris, I hate to get your humours up but actually the film isn't banned. It was withdrawn by eccentric director Stanley Kubric because of the press, linking violence in the film with copycat attacks in real life. Have you ever seen it?
Chris: Copycat attacks? I saw two. One after the other. No, I've never seen the film.
Lauren: I think it's one of those films that no-one has actually seen. All the students have got the Clockwork Orange poster but no-one's ever actually seen the film.
Chris: Those posters and...
Lauren: Take them down.
Chris: ...take them down, and the big ganja leaf...
Lauren: ...and the Trainspotting one.
Chris: Trainspotting's got to go! It's been up to long, it's a couple of years, let's move along now. South Park...take it off.
Lauren: It's just too trendy. Anyway, I feel a break coming on. Please come back.

[adverts]

Lauren: Really, unlike what you actually think, the point isn't that it's futile because she dies so soon after they renew their friendship. The fact is, Bette Midler's character realises something about herself and she takes on having to look after her daughter and that's why it's such a good film!
Chris: I tried to understand.
Lauren: You just don't get it.
Chris: Hello again. Welcome back to The Alphabet Show. It's not 'The Cruise' or anything, this is 'The Alphabet Show'...
Lauren: It's not 'Take Hart' is it?
Chris: It's not 'Take Hart' - there's no-one over there in a box.
Lauren: But, on a 'Take Hart' style...vibe off 'Take Hart' and then what would you think about? Creating...
Chris: ...art....sculpture...and hey! Making your own instruments! Did I ever tell you I make my own instruments?
Lauren: Yes.
Chris: Oh. Do you want to see my latest?
Lauren: No.
Chris: It's really easy. B is for Banjo, right? Is it, or isn't it?
Lauren: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Chris: All you have to do is get an old style barometer, like the one I have here. And you stretch a few elastic bands, these are elastic bands, and these are them working. This is fluff island island where we live. Try and get the elastic bands all along here, you might have to gaffer tape it down. If you can't find any gaffer tape then...stop a technician. And lo and behold, the mighty banjo. Lauren. What do you think?
Lauren: I feel a terrible sense of anger and betrayal and yet a certain inextribility which is built into this that I knew it was coming and there's no way of stopping it. It's terrible.
Chris: Just try it. Try it before you're going to make this hurtful comments.

(Lauren strums banjo, unsuccessfully.)

Chris: Lauren, if you're not going to play it right then it's always going to make an awful sound. It's simple. A one, a two, a one, two, three four...

(Chris strums banjo, successfully.)

Lauren: Hoo-whee! I take it back. Calm down. B is also for blood and there's lots of it in our next video; blood which Chris also likes to drink. It's the Manic Street Preachers and "If you Tolerate This..." Enjoy.

Lauren: The Manic Street Preachers there, sadly unaware of the fact that when cabin air pressure is low and your masks drop down, you're supposed to put them on. Maybe their mouths would have stayed open if they had done.
Chris: (coughs and laughs) Don't do that to me.
Lauren: What a complex and beautiful song, eh? Apparently about some Spanish...thing.
Chris: No it's not. If you tolerate this then they'll relase a really bad one next time. Anyhoo, I must stop saying that: Make me stop saying 'Anyhoo'.
Lauren: Okay, I'm going to slap you hard.
Chris: Now it's the Pharcyde with "Drop" where the B stands for Backwards, like what you are, Lol.
Lauren: Is that right?
Chris: Oh yeah.

Chris: So, and, in these ones, I keep my legs!
Lauren: That's brilliant!
Chris: Brilliantly directed by Spike Jones, that video not my legs, the whole thing was shot backwards of course you idiots.
Lauren: My favourite B words...
Chris: Not that I remember anyone asking.
Lauren: ...have got to be, well I dont care whether you ask or not... Brassneck as in, "You Lauren Laverne have got a Brassneck!". Breeders, because they're a good group. And blinkers because I like the concept and anyone who;'s feeling a little tender this morning for their own reasons may wish that they had some blinkers so that they couldn't see lots of distracting and weird stuff as they were walking around. Cos you just trying to get to the café but the distance between your house and the café for some reason is full of very strange things which scare you a lot, like jars of 'Super Turnip'. That's what frightens me.
Chris: Jars of what?!
Lauren: 'Super Turnip'. It's some crazy drink that was in the Off License one morning. Very very nasty.
Chris: My favourite words coincidentally, are Baloney and Boulderdash because I'm in a sort of Roget frame of mind this morning. And Ballyhoo which is the Australian cover version of Ballykissangel. And Bankable aswell.
Lauren: Well, despite that, still to come we've got some big words, The Beloved and very little bacteria, even though it does begin with B.
Chris: And the excellent Edwyn Collins at room temperature!
Lauren: So stick around buttercups.

[adverts]

Chris: But you see, on boys, that bit's hairy. Welcome back to The Alphabet Show brought to you today by the big and bouncy letter B.
Lauren: And us, obviously. Also big and bouncy.
Chris: Look, it's Edwyn Collins!
Lauren: He who sang "I've Never Met a Girl Like You Before".
Chris: But what's his favourite B word? NOW!
Edwyn: Well, my favourite B word is Buxom. The reason I chose that is because I came on the show very ill prepared and the very first thing I saw in the hospitatlity room was some Buxton mineral water so I changed it to Buxom.
Chris: STOP! Good. Now let's relax with The Beloved and....Edwyn? What have you got there?
Edwyn: I've got a pair of binoculars. From the first World War. Gerry built, literally, because it came off a dead German.
Chris: A dead German's binoculars there.
Lauren: I wonder what he died of?
Chris: Let's relax with The Beloved and "Sweet Harmony" where B stands for Butt-naked. Tell me Lauren, in your top pop career have you ever had to take your clothes off?
Lauren: I'll tell you about it later, but let's get blissed out with The Beloved.

Chris: Anyway, look. What, so, naked story...that you were going to say?
Lauren: What the photographer? Oh well, one time this really weird French photographer man invited me to endulge in a special naked cuddle with him.
Chris: After special cuddles was he?
Lauren: And he wanted pictures aswell. I said no!
Chris: Talented man - taking pictures AND special cuddling.
Lauren: Did you notice there the irritating and incessant whining of The Beloved in the background there? He's very smooth that man! Smoother than some of the ladies in that video.
Chris: That thing that I said about men being hairy, that was obviously clearly untrue. I think it's a really creepy video.
Lauren: Yes, so do I. It's like, 'Get out! What are you doing?!'
Chris: It's just the slowness of it and everything and the weird staring eyes and this naked horrid man. Infact, those Stepford models...oh...anyway, let's not. It reminds me of...
Lauren: Double scary. What does it remind you of Chris?! No, tell me, I'm sure we'd all love to know. As long as it doesn't remind you of anywhere you've been lately.
Chris: You know that bloke that made "The Angel of The North"?
Lauren: Yeah?
Chris: He made another exhibition called "Field for the British Isles" and it's just 50,000 little clay figures just staring like that.
Lauren: Oh, I've seen that, yes, very frightening.
Chris: Now, it's time for the part of the show where we expand the country's collective vocabulary with a useful word which you can use to impress your chums with later...in the last word.
Lauren: Yes and today's letter is B and consequently the word that we've chosen begins with B and it's not a big word but it's Bwam.
Chris: That's, Bwam.
Lauren: And it simply means to become dazed.
Chris: So, um, 'zum bispiel' as the Germans say, I would say if you stay up late watching loads of QVC you would Bwam. I like it. It's simple, and it works.
Lauren: I recommend collectable dolls hour.
Chris: And if you want that in a green, you can see the way the light glints off the cardigan...
Lauren: ...look at her jade eyes: You can see she's a classic child... Right. Well it's our last B related video of the day and we're hopeful that you won't Bwam and it's Blueboy with "Remember Me".

Lauren: I mean...it's just not something we get. It's not like the actual object that a set of cards with the attributions of the object described and points allocated. I don't get it. Anyway... The enigmatic Blueboy there with lots of his bustin' mates in a blues bar I believe. Anyway, that was our final video for the day.
Chris: Could that video have also been included for it's beautiful example of a bottom?
Lauren: Oh don't you be so base.
Chris: We can't thank you enough for wasting an hour of your precious time with us here at The Alphabet Show.
Lauren: Today's show was brought to you by the letter B.
Chris: And some of our favourite words have been Bacus, Bad-Boys, Bonky (which doesn't exist) and my new favourite word in the whole wide world, Bwam.
Lauren: Please join us next time for another bumper bonanza of beats and blimey is that the time?!
Chris: It is. Goodbye!
Lauren: We love you.
scott.wills@Virgin.net