Last night I had a nightmare....

Frodo Baggins is a young Hobbit ninja from the great city of Hobbiton (which coincidentally looks like the city from Blade Runner). His Uncle Bilbo (who taught him all he knows and is green with big ears) disappears, leaving Frodo the mysterious Ring (constantly referred to as ‘magical’). The wizard Gandalf (who is named the grey, but mysteriously always appears to be wearing brown monk’s robes) appears to warn Frodo to run away to Rivendell, lest he be pursued by the mysterious Black Riders (who wear leather jackets and ride motor cycles). Gandalf explains that the magical ring is owned by an evil dark lord who needs it to take over the entire world (Sauron is then showed in flash -back. He is being played by the Saddam Hussein look-a-like from ‘Hot Shots Part Deux’). Frodo pronounces that he will gladly take on the task, which he is well suited to undertake due to his skill with a throwing knife.

Frodo, his faithful servant ‘Little Sam’ (who has a huge beard, carries a quarter staff and has a cockney accent) set off with their friends Merry and Pippin (each of whom has a particular talent that will no doubt be employed at a key moment in the denouement of the film's 3rd part). They encounter Strider, who has been locked in a cage by some giant haddock that he offended. Despite his initial habit of calling the Hobbits ‘Peck’ all the time, they eventually let him go. There are many close ups of a mysterious crown-shaped birthmark just below Aragorn’s ear. It is strawberry coloured.

Eventually, the Hobbits and Strider reach the great citadel of Rivendell. There they meet the Elf-King Elrond, and Gandalf (who has been kept prisoner by the Vampire Lord Aruman). Elrond advises them to destroy the ring, which they all think is a jolly good idea. They set off immediately, with 'Elfish' master bowman Legolas, 'Dwarven' master axeman Gimli and Master Swordsman Boromir, who for no apparent reason is dressed as a Viking. Gandalf also agrees to come, as long as he is allowed to bring a huge white horse all the time, even when underground.

Deciding to go through Moria, the ancient Kingdom of Dragons, for no reason other than the fact that it is there, the company run into trouble when the Balrog, who has huge wings, attacks Gandalf with a flaming red sword that looks suspiciously familiar. Gandalf’s flaming blue sword also now glows so brightly you can’t see the sword, and now makes strange electrical fizzing noises whenever he waves it. Gandalf casts the Balrog from the bridge, but as the black-clad demon falls, it slices Gandalf in half with its light sabre (sorry, sword) and he falls into two parts as he plummets, screaming ‘Fly, you goddamn mutha******s!"

The reduced company run (pursued by Orcs with Scouse accents) on to the Tree City of Lorien, ruled by the Elf-Queen Galadriel. There Strider re-encounters the Warrior Princess Arwen, who dresses constantly in brown leather and has saucepan lids attached to her chest. There is a touching moment when they slip away and get naked. We see her bottom. Which is nice. And much ‘snogging’.

Galadriel shows them a magic mirror on her wall, which shows many things. She then tries to attack Frodo and steal the ring from him using her magical power, but he uses his throwing knife to cut her own ring from her hand and runs away. The whole company steals boats from the Elves and escape down the Great River. Sadly, Boromir is hit in the neck by an Elfish arrow and dies.

The company stop, and all agree that Frodo should go off with Little Sam so that the rest of the company can do more exciting, action-based things in their absence.

Just as they leave, we see they are being followed by a super-imposed blob with big-eyes which looks about as convincing as the Brachiosaurus in Jurassic Park and keeps hissing ‘meesah’ under its breath.

END OF PART ONE.

After a quick ‘what has gone before’ piece which doesn’t make any sense, we return to the Company to find the fellowship broken. Frodo and Little Sam have returned to the boats and have set off across the bleak hills of the Emlyn Hughes.

Meanwhile, due to a small misunderstanding, Pippin and Merry have been abducted by Dorks. These Dorks, dressed as High School students, are in the service of the Vampire Lord Aruman. The cruel Dorks treat Merry and Pippin roughly, torturing them viciously by whining about how nice girls don’t like them and saying ‘as if’ all the time.

Meanwhile Strider, Gimli and Legolas start to follow the trail. Fortunately for them, they meet a small, animated talking squirrel called Illuvatar (about the size of an ideal Christmas toy) who agrees to help track their missing friends. The three friends and the squirrel set off at a run, while the theme music to Chariots of Fire plays in the background.

Eventually, they meet the Spiders of Rohan – a race of eight-legged centaurs. The Spiders, led by Eomer son of Edmund (played by Rowan Atkinson with prosthetics), confide to the four hunters that they have killed all the Dorks on the border of the Creepy Big Wood. They claim not to have seen Merry or Pippin. Eomer lends the travellers a giant scarab beetle as a steed, but bids them return it to his Lord and Master, The Oden, before the week fails.

At this point the action cuts back to Frodo and Little Sam. The two hobbits have discovered that with the aid of the magical ring, the Elfish boat can be made to fly. They are soaring above the Emlyn Hughes when it transpires that the superimposed blob has been clinging to the bottom of the boat. The blob, or Gollum, attacks Sam as he is flying the boat, and a tense sequence ensues to control the plummeting vessel before its hits the ground. Eventually Frodo awakes, and the two of them overpower Gollum just in time to safely crash land the boat in a shower of sparks. Frodo picks up the unconscious Gollum, and the three of them escape from the boat just before it explodes in a huge flash of light with accompanying mushroom cloud.

Gollum is immensely grateful for his life, and agrees to abandon his quest for the ring. He reveals that his real name is Seagul, and that he knows secret ways to the Black Land.

We cut back to Merry and Pippin, who are lost in the Big Creepy Wood. They remain lost for several nights, and do little else but argue and shine a torch into the trees. At one chilling point the sound of someone pressing play on a cassette recorder can be heard.

They are eventually found by Treesideburns (a focus group had apparently ruled out Treebeard on the grounds that the under 14s could not relate to characters with beards, but that side-burns were associated with enough rock stars to make sense), who is played by Lou Ferrigno painted brown (with a twig in his hair). Treesideburns reveals that he was once a man who was turned into a tree by the evil Vampire Lord Aruman, and that he now lives in the woods along side other victims of the same cunning ploy by the vampire to turn his victims into beings several times more powerful than they were when they were human. Treesideburns agrees to help Merry and Pippin get revenge for the attack of the Dorks, and they head towards Isen Guard, the Watch Tower of Aruman.

The three hunters (and Illuvatar the cute CGI squirrel) reach the edge of the Big Creepy Wood. There they meet Gandalf, who reveals that he isn’t dead because in a previous life he was a Mayor. He tells them that they must harness the power of the Arachnahirrim in order to defeat the Dark Lord and the Vampire Lord Aruman. Assured that Pippin and Merry are in safe hands, the five head off to speak to The Oden of Rohan.

The Oden of Rohan turns out to be in the thrall of the Vampire Lord Aruman’s evil servant Wormtongue. The Oden says that Wormtongue is a loyal servant of the Arachnahirrim, as could be seen by his honest face. Gandalf rips away the rubber ‘Brad Dourif’ mask to reveal Kevin Spacey beneath. Convinced that Worm must therefore be very evil, The Oden exiles him.

The Spiders of Rohan agree to help Gandalf. They decide that they will have their Big Battle at Helms Deep and set off.

Frodo and Little Sam are following Seagul across the dead marshes. As they get half-way, the dead come to life, and the Hobbits are attacked by rotting zombies. Frodo’s throwing knives and Sam’s quarter-staff see them through (with a particularly good moment where Sam knocks off a zombie-elf’s head and Frodo sticks a knife through it in mid-air – Seagul cheers from the side-lines), and Seagul shows them a quick way to escape.

Helms Deep. The castle of Helms Deep is attacked by hundreds and thousands of Dorks. The walls are breached by the Vampire Lord Aruman, firing cruise missiles (stolen from the US army) from his base in Isen Guard. The Dorks pour in, but ‘Dwarven’ hero Gimli single-handedly kills an entire battalion. More Dorks appear though. Legolas hatches a plan. Because he looks like a girl, he lets down his blond hair and does a Marilyn Monroe impersonation. The Dorks are spellbound. While this is happening, Aragorn and Eomer launch a charge of the Arachnahirrim. Aruman’s forces are destroyed, and Legolas is now in touch with his feminine side. The Elf starts wearing crop-tops and sparkly pants. The army of the Spiders of Rohan set off towards Isen Guard.

Once there, they meet with Merry and Pippin, and Treesideburns. The Vampire Lord Aruman launches a final assault. Trying to kill Gandalf, Aruman and several Dorks charge the hosts of the Arachnahirrim. Treesideburns is killed while slaying ten Dorks. But Aruman fights through. In the end, Gandalf is only saved because Legolas, with a routine rich in backflips and high-kicks, knocks down most of the Dorks and sticks a huge stake through Aruman’s chest.

Gandalf tells them that they have won a war, but not the battle, and they ride off to the distant land of Gondor to help in the war against the dark lord.

Frodo, Little Sam and Seagul reach the Black Gates. These are closed. They try to break in using an untwisted paperclip, but a security alarm goes off and they run away. Fortunately, they find a blueprint of Mordor, and discover that there is another way in, called Sirith Uncle.

However, up in the high pass they are attacked by Shelob, ‘the last child of Uncle Ian to trouble the unhappy world’. Seagul has his brains sucked out and Frodo is wounded. Little Sam drives off the attack, but Frodo is kidnapped by Orc Captain ‘Fancy A’ Shagrat and his Scouser hordes. Little Sam, horrified, sees the Orcs hand Frodo over to a giant limbless pink creature with tendrils, and realises the worst.

Frodo was alive, but taken by the anemone.

END OF PART TWO.

After the de rigueur 'what has gone before' sequence, which makes even less sense than before, we see Bilbo suddenly coming awake in his hotel room in Rivendell. He sits up in bed, gasping 'Frodo! He's in danger!'

Meanwhile, Little Sam, having taken the ring, uses it to throw down the doors of the Tower of Sirith Uncle. The Orcs flee in terror. Sam kills Cpt Shagrat, and goes to rescue Frodo. However, when Frodo asks for the ring back, Sam refuses and attacks Frodo. After a brief, heartbreaking struggle, Little Sam trips over his own beard and falls down the trapdoor. He is dead.

Meanwhile, the hosts of the Arachnahirrim have reached Gondor, the City in the Clouds. Gondor can only be reached by the ladders leading up to its sparkling heights. Gandalf and Pippin ride ahead thanks to the hyper-drive installed on Gandalf's horse, and climb the N ladder up to the city. There they meet Denethor, King of the South, whose ancestors killed Isildur and usurped the throne. Denethor, being evil (we can tell this as he's played by Alan Rickman) has signed a deal with Mordor to turn over the West. Gandalf turns him into a apple and takes over the city, just as the hosts of Mordor, led by the Lord of the Black Riders, approach the city. The enemy troops muster in the field where the most vulnerable ladder heads up to the city.

Just as the Hosts of Mordor are scaling the ladder, the Arachnahirrim arrive and so begins the Battle of the Ladder Field.

We return to Frodo, who is battling across The Black Land (which is essentially a normal place, but everything is painted black) alone. He is hungry and thirsty, but he still has his throwing knives and his determination.

The Battle of the Ladder Field. Just as things are going badly for the good guys, Warrior Princess Arwen arrives, with a host of Elfs that have repented of the evil Galadriel's attempt to steal the ring. Warrior Princess Arwen rides up to the Lord of the Black Riders, who is performing wheelies on his motorbike. He says that no living man may hinder him, and she calls him a male chauvinist pig and shoots him the face with a Desert Eagle. One of the Elfs bemoans; 'Arwen, you shot the Nazgul in the face, man' and proceeds to clean up the motor bike.

Frodo has nearly reached the Cracks of Fire. Knowing time is short he jogs up the side of the mountain.

We see Gandalf and King Aragorn, having reclaimed his rightful crown from the Apple Denethor, surveying the battle. "We cannot win," says Gandalf, "while the forcefield around the enemy siege engines remains." :But" replies Aragorn, "that forcefield is surely generated by the magical ring which Frodo has!" So they realise the battle cannot be won unless the Ring-Bearer's quest is successful.

Frodo reaches the Cracks of Fire. But The Dark Lord Soron (still played by the Saddam Hussein look-a-like but now with some black horns glued to his head) is waiting for him. Frodo produces the magical ring and they do battle. Realising that they are evenly matched, Soron uses trickery. First he changes himself into Seagul and pleads with Frodo to put down the precious. But Frodo knows he has seen Seagul die, and remains firm. Then Soron changes himself into Little Sam, and begs Frodo to give up his fight. But Frodo knows to his eternal shame that he has killed Little Sam, and does not give up.

Soron is desperate now. He changes himself into Bilbo and says that he will die if Frodo destroys the ring! Frodo wavers. Then, just as he is thinking of giving up, the real Bilbo appears! He sprints up to Frodo and tells him to destroy the ring. Together, they turn away from Soron and cast the ring into the fire.

Soron melts horribly, using up most of the special effects budget, and his remains are impaled by a random piece of flying rock.

We cut back to Gondor, and see the forcefield fizzle out over the enemy cannons. Merry and Pippin sneak in and put semtex explosives under the siege engines and blow them up.

Much cheering.

Back on Mount Doom, Frodo and Bilbo have a touching Uncle and Nephew moment amid the lava flows. Fortunately Radagast the Eagle lives on Mount Doom, and seeing the two of them snatches them up in his claws and bears them to Gondor.

The last thing we see is the crowning of Aragorn and giving of some shiny medals. Gandalf does not get one, since he says they should not 'medal in the affairs of wizards'. More cheering. Aragorn kisses Arwen with tongues.

Then, suddenly, a door opens and a bearded hobbit with a neck brace enters. It is Little Sam! Amid great rejoicing and floods of tears, he says with charming simplicity, "Well, I'm back!"

Cue Blind Guardian Theme Music.