The Purist Explains II:
Revenge of the Silly
Explanations
This
is an interactive experience, as started on the Imladris (Council of Elrond) LOTR site.
Simpy ask a question, and I will allay all your curiosity, to the extent that you probably
won’t dare question the illogicalities of the Tolkien universe ever again.
So,
get scribing. What really bothers you about the film? Why does that bloke we think is
Legolas's Dad look like he's been dropped in a fish tank? How can a moth, even if it
understands Gandalf, speak to an Eagle? Even if Gimli is such a cretin that he didn't
notice Haldir, how did they get so close without legolas noticing and saying something?
Why would Gandalf arrange to meet the Hobbits in a place that looked like a refuge from
"
Why doesn't Sauron turn invisible when he uses the One Ring?
How does the ring get on Frodo's finger while still on its chain?
Why doesn't Pippin's cloak fall off when he loses his brooch?
"That Hobbit lies heavy on you" - how does Arwen do her heavy lifting?
What the Ents doing hanging around at the borders of Fangorn?
What is the foreign policy that Rohan and Gondor are following?
Amber asks…
Why does Frodo fall over
so much??
I
can answer that one easily.
The
reason Hobbits are "inclined to be fat in the stomach" is part of the same
evolutionary quirk that gave them big feet - they actually have quite high centres of
gravity (for unknown genetic reasons...). Because they eat so much, though, the centre of
gravity is lowered, with further support being offered by those huge flippers.
However,
as we can see, Frodo is unnaturally skinny for a Holbytla, and his centre of gravity if
therefore imbalanced, and he tends to topple over at the slightest provocation.
(An
alternative theory is that Frodo is a throwback to water dwelling hobbits. There is some
proof of this - one, he is of Stoorish, Brandybuck stock. Secondly, he has constant
sea-related dreams. This might explain his clumsiness, since tests show that creatures who
spend a lot of time on water actually experience giddiness while on terra firma...)
Toppled
Prat.
I'm glad to finally have a
chance to get an answer to a question which has troubled me ever since the film came out :
in Bree, why do the Ringwraiths go to the hobbits' room, and not to the room where,
astutely enough, Aragorn had taken them?
1. They could not have
been drawn by the Ring itself, since it wasn't in this room. Further, Frodo never put it
on there.
2. They didn't ask
Barliman Butterbur, who was hiding from them.
3. They didn't look in the
register
4. Being blind in the
world of living, they couldn't have read it.
To me it looks like a
mystery wrapped inside an enigma.
It's
another missing segment of the film, I'm afraid. Luckily for you, I have the transcript
right here...
Quote:
Info: The Riders, of
course, got a little carried away. In the book, they simply gain information from the
shifty crew in Bree, once of whom is, of course, Harry Goatleaf on the door.
In the film,
unfortunately, they forgot to do this. However, it all worked out well for them in the
end.
BLACK RIDER #1: (whipping
his horse) Yarr! Yarr! Onwards! We’re nearly there!
BLACK RIDER #2: (shouting
hoarsely) Nearly where, exactly?
BLACK RIDER #1: We have
found the ring! Yea! And possibly verily also!
BLACK RIDER #2: Good,
good. That’s awfully good. I’m glad. (falls silent for a moment) So, um, where
is it then.
(the rhythmic sound of
galloping slows somewhat)
BLACK RIDER #1: Here.
BLACK RIDER #2: And where
is here?
BLACK RIDER #1: It is a
man place!
BLACK RIDER #2: Yes, yes I
think it probably is. Quite a big man place, though, isn’t it?
BLACK RIDER #1: Your
meaning?
BLACK RIDER #2: Well,
I’m not trying to cause trouble, but isn’t our usual technique to find some
hapless mortal and utterly freeze his soul until he tells us what we need to know?
BLACK RIDER #1: We have
done that on occasions, it’s true.
BLACK RIDER #2: But this
time we charged through a door and flattened the gatekeeper, despite that fact that there
isn’t a horse on Sauron’s Wicked Earth that would charge through a wooden door
like that?
BLACK RIDER #1: Kind of.
BLACK RIDER #2: Kind of?
BLACK RIDER #1: Well, yes,
then.
BLACK RIDER #2: And we
intend to find Baggins how?
BLACK RIDER #1: Er…
BLACK RIDER #2: Look,
it’s not too late. Let’s go back.
(the Black Riders turn
around and ride back the other way)
BLACK RIDER #2: (Bends
down and knocks on the gate.) I say, hello?
(silence)
BLACK RIDER #2: (opens the
wooden door at hobbit height) Hello? (digs around in whatever is seen through the tiny
door). I can see a nipple. Try the other door.
BLACK RIDER #1: (opens the
higher door. Harry’s face, bruised and battered, appears). Ah, cower mortal!
HARRY: Under the present
circumstances, mate, I fail to see how I could cower. But if you get this bleedin’
door off me, I’d be happy to oblige.
BLACK RIDER #2: Look,
lowly mortal chap, we’re most dreadfully sorry, but we did intend to ask you some
questions, rather than flatten you with an exuberant equine charge.
HARRY: Well, there’s
a slip up and no mistake, guv.
BLACK RIDER #2: Well,
quite. Anyway, I was wondering if you might be able to tell me if you’ve seen any
hobbits round here. There should be four of the blighters.
HARRY: There were four
Hobbits. They went up to the Pony. And, and I can’t emphasise how popular this made
them with me, they didn’t crush me under my own gate.
BLACK RIDER #2: Thoughtful
bunch then?
HARRY: Compared with some,
aye.
BLACK RIDER #1: So, you
won’t help us, ephemeral being?
HARRY: Now, I never said
that. I could tell you where ol’ Barley has his Hobbit rooms, in exchange for a bit
of an urgent favour.
BLACK RIDER #2: I see.
Well, that seems fair enough. Let me hazard a guess – you’d like us to get this
door off you?
HARRY: Yes, yes, that
would be lovely, ta. But even more pressingly, could you do one thing?
BLACK RIDER #2: And what
would that be, pray*?
HARRY: Could you get your
fucking horse to stop licking my nipple? Thanks.
The
Pony.
* It’s possible that
the transcript says “And what would that be, prey?”, but he seems such a nice black rider…
Originally asked by Rosie
Cotton
Dear most exalted Purist,
Your wisdom has been
recommended to me, and I do have a question.
During the Flight to the Ford, when the camera angle is at
"helicopter" and Asfaloth is racing across an open place with a V of ringwraiths
behind her, there are only 8. This can be confirmed by pausing the DVD. However, at the
Ford, there are 9. Where
was #9 during the chase?
Ah,
that's simple. Khamul had a dicky bladder, and had popped off to the bushes. Of course,
isn't it always the way, the moment he does this Arwen turns up on a stolen horse.
Fortunately, the bushes he'd gone into were way ahead of all the others, so he was able to
zip himself up and join the crowd at the Ford without it being too obvious.
He
did get a ticking off from the Witch King later, and was forced to wander around making
crop circles for a month as punishment.
Taking
the P---.
Asked by Whimpering Suet: Why is it that Aragorn and co can kill orcs with so much as a slightly
angry glare? Not to mention a light brush with a Sword... are they allergic to
violence?
Well,
let’s look at the facts:
Horde
of Orcs attack Fellowship in Moria. Orcs 0, Fellowship 15
Orcs
shoot at Fellowship on Stairs: Orcs 0, Fellowship 3
Orcs
shoot at Fellowship on
Orcs
Attack Company at Parth Galen: (more interesting this). Fellowship 17, Orcs 3
And
moving on….
Riders
of Rohan v Orcs: Riders 117, Orcs 3
Huorns
v Orcs: Huorns 9,764, Orcs 1 (broke a twig)
Old
Spindly Theoden v Orcs….
OK,
you get my drift. They’re not allergic to violence, they’re just crap.
That’s why Sauron has to breed so many of them. And to make matters worse, not only
does the enemy kill them, they kill each other. The poor old Dark Lord has his work cut
out for him from the beginning.
But
it’s his own fault. Or Melkor’s, anyway. Melkor thought he had captured Elves to
torment and twist, thereby creating an evil race that would, nonetheless, have the skills
and speed of the fair folk. Unfortunately, he mistakenly captured some Children’s TV
presenters instead, who while as pretty as Elves, were totally stupid and only had the
ability to speak while grinning and to look as trendy as possible (also hence the face
piercing).
Too
Pretty.
Dormant Clippers asks: Why is there no blood on any of the weapons? And why are Orcs
diving off a cliff in the beginning battle shot?
1.
Orcs blood has a different consistency to human blood. It is oilier, and therefore does
not stick well to things.
It
is so oily, in fact, that after the war of the ring, an entrepreneurial individual from
Ethring set up an Orc blood power station. The Orcs, having become leaderless and without
purpose, were quite easy to catch, and he purchased some mumakil from the defeated
Southrons to help stamp down the goblins into flammable paste.
Unfortunately
for the business man in question, the world's first Goblin Rights organisation was
launched when this became public knowledge. The well-wishers, dressed discreetly in black
hoods, raided the goblin power station and released the Orcs into freedom and struck a
blow for human morality.
Sadly,
the grateful Orcs then ate the heads of their rescuers, and did evil and perverse things
to the decapitated corpses, which just goes to show, be careful before releasing animals
into a new environment, since it can have damaging effects on the local ecology, and
sometimes result in your bottom being eaten for someone's lunch.
2.
This is a more interesting question. There are some who postulate that the Elves are
shooting them from the front line in great numbers.
I
prefer the theory that these are kamikaze Orcs. They have pin-pointed the enemy forces
below, and are throwing themselves down as human bombs with the intention to take as many
Penultimate Alliance soldiers with them as they possible can. To make this effect have
more of an impact, many of them have been gorging on cheap curries and bottles of
supermarket cola. You can later see (we think) King Thranduil holding his breath so that
he doesn't have to breath in the result of this.
Torrid
Presentations.
Lord of Bags asks: Why doesn't Sauron turn invisible?
It's
all to do with tattoos. Tattoos are immune to effect of the one ring. If Frodo or Sam or
Gollum had tattoos, you would have seen floating pictures of hearts with "Mom"
written over it, or ancient Chinese symbols that look cool but really read "Praise
the Turbot". But they didn’t, so invisible they are.
Sauron
has his entire body tattooed with the image of the
Hope
this helps...
TP.
Originally asked by Lady
Haleth
But
it would explain quite a lot if Faramir had been. But of course that would be far more
complicated and implicate Aragorn in adultery, of which I'm sure Tolks would have deeply
disapproved, being a devout man who liked to write about incest. Ooops, forget I said that
last bit.
I'm
going to go out on a rocky limb here and ask for some sympathy with Gandalf over the
avalanche thing. Admittedly, being "such a one who, when standing loudly in the midst
of a mystical storm on a mountain top, stands up and shouts abuse at the creator of the
storm and waves his arms about to attract attention", as the Heathen Trob of beTrobi
might put it, he can hardly be blamed for the snow falling on his head, given the overall
racket of the thunderstorm and the fact that everyone else shouted at him first...
As
for Bilbo and Gollum, you are falling for Bilbo's own version of events. In the book,
Bilbo initially claims the ring as a present. Pyjama thought that was a bit silly, so in
his version, Bilbo first says that he stumbled on the ring while fondling subterranean
fish bones. On hearing a gerbil being strangled in the distance he runs. It was only
several years later that he admitted to having met Gollum at all, and having begun his
ownership of the ring with pity, rather than with fillet leftovers.
Tangled
Précis.
Originally asked by
By the way, TP, did you ever answer my question about Film Frodo not knowing what the
Elvish word for 'friend' was, despite Book Frodo's fluency in Elvish and the fact that
Film Ahhhhhwen floats up to Frodo, spieling breathily away in Sindarin? -- which is a fat
lot of use if the adorable little tyke can't understand a flippin' word she's saying.
I wants an answer, precious.
Ah,
well. If I must follow this through to the very end...
Quote:
`The words are in the
elven-tongue of the West of Middle-earth in the Elder Days,' answered Gandalf. 'But they
do not say anything of importance to us. They say only: "The Doors of Durin, Lord of
Moria. Speak, friend, and enter"...
`What does it mean by
"speak, friend, and enter"?' asked Merry.
'That is plain enough,'
said Gimli. `If you are a friend, speak the password, and the doors will open, and you can
enter.'
Frodo
was obviously getting insecure, and it may be to do with the fact that, unlike in the
book, Film Frodo is actually just a kid. Note his response to Gandalf when the wizard asks
him about his recently grilled ring:
Quote:
It's some sort of
Elvish...
This
is hardly the remark of a scholar. It is, rather, the response of a slightly sullen
teenager who's been asked a difficult question, and knows neither the answer nor the
reason for its asking. Frodo has a smattering of Elvish, but certainly not enough
knowledge to impress Gandalf.
Arwen
wittering on at him for five minutes while dressed in an out of place wedding dress only
serves to confuse him more. The upshot of this is that he is standing in front of doors on
which he has been told that the words read "Speak Friend", in Elvish. Now, given
that he can at least recognise Elvish script, one would imagine that he could see,
plainly, lit by moon-fuelled letters, the Elvish word for friend right in front of him.
The
fact that he then asks Gandalf for the answer instead of suggesting it himself just shows
that he was very nervous about Gandalf laughing at him, Legolas launching a stinging slap
to the side of his head, and being forced to eat Extra Broccoli for the rest of the trip
as punishment about getting the answer wrong...
Sadly
in the original draft of the final scenes of Film Three, Pyjama replaces Frodo' falling
for the lure of the ring with more of this sense of Frodo's panic in the face of the
obvious. Frodo doesn’t claim the ring for his own, but instead launches a different
soliloquy altogether...
Quote:
Frodo: Er, is this the
crack of doom? It's more a sort of walkway, isn't it. Sam? Sam? Where are you? I was
expecting, well, a crack. Or some cracks. This is quite a big room. And look, they've got
that painting of three horses running away from a cloudy horizon. You wouldn't get that in
a crack, would you? Maybe I'd better hang onto the ring for a while. After all, I wouldn't
want to drop it in the wrong place. No, I'll just pop it on my finger and challenge the
Dark Lord to a fight. That sounds like a much better idea....
TP.
Asked by Pippin: to add my
own question at least two or three of the Nazgul on Weathertop dropped their swords before
they fled. However, at the Ford, all eight of them carry swords again. Where did those come from?
You
are all forgetting the Nazgul Official Left Luggage & Offloading Centres (or NOLLOCs
TM ). These lockable units were distributed by Sauron's forces during the previous Wars,
and never discovered by the free peoples of ME.
This
is why the Nazgul are able to travel great distances at speed (unintentional quote, I
assure you) without any change of underpants or strange ectoplasmic food supplies.
The
units were very comfortable, held a complete spare set of Evil Robes TM and
swords, as well as special Horse Dye (since the horses are obviously brown), and each one
had a shower unit and a small kitchenette with Kettle and Microwave.
A
few of these have since been dug up by
Travel
Packaging.
A question from someone
else’s answer, given by Bridget Chubb
Originally asked by Oom
Why
is it that although it's not supposed to be the 'wacky weed' they were smoking but pipe
tobacco, yet according to Saruman's comment it MAKES IT ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that the weed
in Middle Earth does in fact mean pot? Tobacco does not slow the mind, it has long term
physical effects, but does not slow the mind.
Bridget says: Since when
do you believe everything Saruman says? He was just taking a dig at Gandalf, that's all.
While
Bridget Chubb is correct, and Saruman should not be trusted, the actual truth is the fact
that the White Wizard had fallen for an anti-smoking campaign by the British Government,
who had travelled back in time in a hollowed out pumpkin to try and eradicate smoking
before it took root and bankrupted the NHS.
Unfortunately,
as with all government campaigns, they couldn’t stick to the truth about how it kills
you horribly before your sixtieth birthday, but instead made up a load of guff about how
it turns your hair green and makes you a bit thick.
They
then ran a parallel campaign to persuade young people not to stick needles in their eyes
for fun.
When
eventually the young folk of Middle Earth realised the Government had been lying about the
green hair and stupidity, they also began to suspect that sticking needles in their eyes
might be fun after all, leading to mass blindness across the continent. Such is the
delicate balance that public health campaigns must achieve...
TP.
Originally asked by Grond,
Hammer of the Underpass
Lycra.
Tight
Pants.
Asked by Servile Button: How come Pippin’s cloak doesn’t fall off when
he spits the brooch onto the ground while being carried off by Orcs?
Once more unto the brooch
dear friends once more,
Or close the wall up with
our English dead...
Sorry.
Just wondering why a brooch is called that. Imagine how silly it would sound if you
pronounced it how it looks. Sounds very Scottish...
I
sure they get their broooooooches in Lorien, as in the book. But the simple answer (which,
by amazing coincidence, occurred to me for the first time just the other day when I was
reading TTT) is that it's an ornamental broooooch, and actually Pippin's cloak is held on
by unromantic string....
This
is as opposed to romantic string, which is used for tying people up and doing things that
can't be talked about in polite company...
TP.
Originally asked by
Torisen
Mr. Purist: What happened to all the Bree Hobbits?
Everytime I see the scene where Merry comes to the table with the pint, there's always a
split second where I think it's Nob or Bob or whatever his name was.
The
Bree Hobbits have to stay at home when it get's muddy, because otherwise they sink. Quite
simple, and rather sad. In the book, of course, it's a nice, pleasant October day, and the
Hobbits are out in force. Not so in the film.
Of
course, necessity is the mother of invention, and the fact that Hobbits were forced to
stay at home a lot did lead to the invention of the game of charades and, eventually,
pictionary, which in turn led to Bree's first prosecution under the new King's sweeping
obscenity laws - as always happens where civilizations invent pictionary...
Tiny
Perambulations.
Asked by Curiosity Killed
the Spoon: How come hobbits and the folk of Bree have mastered the
art of making glass windows whilst the elves have not?
I mean, Rivendell's pretty
and all but it must be bloody freezing!
No wonder ol' Elrond wears
a bloody big cloak
I'm
sure Elrond's ring could have had a positive effect on the climate, but the real reason is
simply: a) Rivendell is at bottom of a really deep crevice, so there’s no howling
gale and b) Elves are sticklers for traditions. They invented glass years ago, but in the
same way sad gits in North London insist on daubing mock-Tudor black beams on the front of
their Edwardian houses, the Imladrisians like to cling to their whitewashed garden
furniture look, and glass is sooo Third Age,
darling.
So
there you are. Elf fashion. Which also includes stupid braids and wearing wedding dresses
in the spirit world...
TP.
Originally asked by
Torisen
Dear Purist,
What's up with
Gil-Galad? All the other elves are so willowy and in comparison he looks kinda...
husky. Not putting in his time on the Lorien stairmaster, or what?
I've
always had a problem with Gil-Galad. There's some deeply suspect propaganda poetry about
him out there. I mean:
Quote:
His sword was long... his
shining helm afar was seen...
I'm
just not going to go there. But the implication is that Gil-Galad was a bit of a Man's
Elf, as they might say. I doubt very much he ate quiche, for instance. And he probably
worked out - not in a gym, mark you, but by doing something manly, like chopping wood.
Just look at his over-the-top pose when he sets his spear to rest in the body of his
enemy. He's definitely revelling in the macho moment (and probably posing for the
woodcutters at the same time).
TP.
PS:
What have Huskies got to do with it??
Originally asked by
Lithorose
where did Aragorn get the
apples to throw at Merry and Pip on their way to Rivendell?
An
apple tree.
TP.
Originally posted by
Grond, Hammer of the Underclass
But I'd like to know, Purist, when Frodo jumped to the
ferry, why the big scary Black Horse slammed on the brakes?
Couldn't he make the five foot jump to the Ferry?
The
horse ain't stoopid. Mr Ed knows that even if he clears the gap between the banks and boat
and manages to stay balanced on said boat, those stupid six inch nails that a really
careless blacksmith stuck in his hooves will scuttle the boat, and the whole shebang will
sink without ceremony, horse and all.
Conversely,
the nails helped him grip the wood of the jetty, so he thought it much easy to squeal to a
halt, before running away in slow motion...
TP.
Asked by Haecened and
Water Hot: Why did the Nazgul not just back out of the river,
instead of trying to outrun the flood? This has been bothering me for some time, but I've
been too proud to ask.
You
can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it think.
TP.
Asked by Lady Haleth: A
new question for The Purist; at the Ford, after the Nazgul are washed away, how is Arwen, wispy little thing that she is, able to
lift a 70+ lb Hobbit from her horse and lower him gently to the ground without dropping
him?
She
used the Elf-Winch of Lorien, a device which, due to its unfortunate name, has caused some
major misunderstandings about the Golden Wood over the years.
TP.
Ah, thank you. That
explains it.
Lady Haleth
You're
very welcome. Though the Elf Winch might not have confused people so much if the factory
that made them wasn't right next to a Crockery Shop that specialised in making small
plates for tea cups run by an Elf named Sylvaniel and called "Saucer S"....
TP.
The Grateful Ned asks: Why are the Easterlings marching to the Black Gate from
the west? Are they named not on the direction, but in fact after the Christian spring
festival?
Foolishness!
It has nothing to do with Easter!
What
you have to understand is that the Easterlings were not marching to or from anywhere. What
we actually see is the Morannon equivalent of the Edinburgh Military Tattoo. The
Easterlings march out of the gate, march round the rock that Sam and Frodo are standing
on, and then back in again.
Of
course, this was actually a rehearsal. Which is very lucky for F&S given that the
place they were standing was about to be crowded out with small, excited Orc children
awaiting the real thing. The Easterlings that break off are not looking for intruders, but
are members of the Easterling Health & Safety Executive, and are a bit worried about
the stability of the rock face for the welfare of the little scaley blighters.
There,
I hope this sheds some light on the problem.
TP.
Sideways asks: Why didn't Gandalf tell Treebeard that Hobbits are not Orcs?
On
one hand it could be argued that Treebeard was
told by Gandalf that the Hobbits are not Orcs. After all, at the moot all that happens is
that the other Ents agree that the Hobbits are not Orcs. Although you would expect Ents
not to cut corners with Language, that could easily read that they agree with Gandalf that
the Hobbits are not Orcs.
But
the reality is that this is all part of the downside of Mithrandir's strange decision to
run around pretending to be Saruman - even down to doing vocal impersonations of him in
the woods. The other Ents are naturally very suspicious of Treebeard's sudden friendship
with "the White Wizard" and at one point it is logged in the lengthy minutes of
the moot, "What's with all this white business? Aren't there enough colours in the
spectrum to go round? Next time tell the silly bleeder he should come back as Gandalf the
TP.
Scandalously Limp asks:
Dear Purist, my question is "what does Gollum have against the elves?" In the
beginning of TTT Gollum says "It burns! It burns us! It freezes! Nasty Elves twisted
it. take it off us!"
I quite like the elves...
While Norman the Slightly
Full Bowl asks: Dear Purist, considering how well Frodo's cloak hid him and Sam from the
Easterlings' parade, why didn't Merry and Pippin simply
hide under their elven-cloaks once they reached Fangorn, rather than the whole
'running-and-climbing-a-tree' bit (which could have turned out very badly for Master
Meriadoc)?
And Ouch That Was My Toe
asks: Also, since when is Haldir of Lorien under the jurisdiction
of Elrond of Rivendell? Couldn't Galadriel simply have sent the Elves to Helm's Deep
herself, instead of wasting time guilt-tripping Elrond into doing so?
Finally, Pierced Fandango
Asks: Oh wise and majestic Purist, after the Entmoot, why do all
the Ents go and hang around just inside the edge of Fangorn, apparantly waiting for
Treebeard to call them?
Ouch
- Galadriel had run out of those really cool Elf helmets, and therefore had to badger
Elrond to send a well dressed rescue team. That's why Haldir doesn't wear one, you see.
Limp
- he thinks they all look like constipated Vulcans. Or possibly because he can smell their
dodgy, cheap aftershave. Actually it's because he's a bad guy and they’re good, but
then that wouldn't be funny, would it.
This
is because the cloaks were seriously power hungry and (and this it the killer) solar powered. Frodo and Sam had been hanging
around outside the Morannon in full sunlight before they were able to use their cloaks.
For Aragorn, the sun had only recently risen (red dawn yadda yadda), for Sam in the cave
he was, well, in a cave, and in Fangorn Merry and Pippin had no juice.
All
of which is less efficient, but also less sinister, than those charming Elven brooches. The reason they do not idly fall is because they
are powered by their owners’ blood – one pin holds the brooch to the cloak, the
other taps into a convenient vein. Pippin gets rid of his not as a sign, but because he
quite logically thinks that if he’s going to have his life threatened by Orcs, the
last thing he needs bothering him is a piece of vampire jewellery.
Fandango
- this was because Treebeard was carrying a packet of Smarties, and Ents love Smarties.
Foolishly, Treebeard was holding the packet upside down with the lid off, leaving a
tantalising trail of candy snacks all the way to the southern borders of
You
should ask rather "why does Treebeard propose to take them to the western borders of
the forest, when said border is in fact half way up a mountain?"
TP.
Tappetty Junior asks:
Purist, why do the same children appear in both the Shire and Helm's
Deep?
Obviously
we all know about the main 'quest'. However, in attempt to promote questing as an
occupation in Middle Earth, Elrond and Gandalf also launched "age-group" quests.
The under nineteens quest did OK, eventually drowning in the Dead Marshes. The under
fifteens got lost in Fangorn and never came out. As you can see, the under sevens quest
have done quite well - although they shouldn't be in Rohan, they are at least a) still
alive and b) terribly, terribly cute.
TP.
Dominant Carrots asks:
Sorry if anyone's asked this before, but...
When in Isengard, Saruman
says 'They crossed the river Isen on Midsummer's Eve' or something to that effect. Why didn't Gandalf immediately suspect him of being evil,
because Saruman supposedly protects the river? Surely if he had been good, he wouldn't
have let them cross it! He could have delayed them at least, surely?
Well,
you can take your pick, I think. I wasn't actually aware that Saruman had adopted
responsibility for protecting the River Isen, but if you say he was, then Gandalf's excuse
was presumably this: The River Isen is very long. There's very little Saruman can do about
it if the Nazgul take their horses onto a Ride On Ride Off Ferry at the mouths of Isen.
However,
I believe the thought that sprung into Gandalf's head at that precise moment was this -
Gandalf used to have a holiday cottage up in the mountains by the springs that feed the
river Isen, and he used to take his wizardly pogo stick and jump back and forwards across
the tiny, nascent river as many times as he could in one minute. He'd set a world record
for river crossing back in 1376, so his initial thought when told the Nazgul had crossed
the river by Saruman was not "my Eru he's a traitor" but "how many
times?"
TP.
PS:
Gandalf's first mistake was not spotting that Saruman looked suspiciously like Christopher
Lee, who is always evil. The fool.
Formless asks: Why so many endings for the film?
Pyjama’s
multi-ended classic might have picked up a fair amount of stick for its staggered finale
(“11 Oscar nominations; one for every ending” said Academy wag William Crystal),
but what the ordinary man in the one road doesn’t know is that the frequent fade outs
were not “fake endings” at all, but actually sloppy last minute edits by the
Weta team to ensure that the film got its coveted PG-13 rating.
The
reason for this is simple: Pyjama’s self-restraint, which has subdued his
“bloody splatter” inclinations, had finally given out. Think about it –
when in the rest of the trilogy is there such an extended period of calm as in the final
20 minutes of ROTK? In
“As when death smites the swollen brooding thing
that inhabits their crawling hill and holds them all in sway, ants will wander witless and
purposeless and feebly die, so the creatures of Sauron – Orc, or troll or beast
spell-enslaved – ran hither and thither mindless; and some slew themselves, or cast
themselves in pits, or fled wailing back to hide in holes and dark lightless places far
from hope.”
So
wrote Tolkien. But that wasn’t enough for Peter Jackson, who decided that he needed
his witless and purposeless Orcs to:
•
Eat the brains of a troll in an amusing tribute to “
•
Play tug-o-war with the entrails of several Uruks
•
Hack each other to bits with swords
•
Play an interesting variation of billiards with the eyeballs of a slain Mumak.
Unfortunately,
despite the much needed “oomph” this gave the final scenes, the censors took
particular offence to those sequences, and in fact to a post credits scene where the
scattered Orcs are seen scratching a living from eating raw gerbils in the desert, and
demanded cuts.
Or
possibly Harold Pinter was called in as script doctor. Take your pick
TP.
Originally asked by Lizzz:
I need an explanation for this; why O Purist, when Gandalf takes
the book from the dead dwarf in Moria nothing happens and when Pippin only lightly touches
another the skeleton falls down that well.
Aha
- a nice easy question to keep you occupied while I ponder the harder ones above!
The
difference is quite straightforward. Gandalf pulls the book from the desiccated corpse of
one of Durin's Folk. What Pippin does, however, is mistakenly play with a very old
clockwork Ronnie Corbett. He reaches straight for the wind up mechanism, cunningly
disguised as an arrow head, and sets it in motion.
If
the clockwork Ronnie Corbett had been in good working order, it would have sprung to life,
danced around for 3 minutes in big glasses singing:
“Wolfgang Amadeus
Mozart... never scored a goal for Wolverhaaaaaaamp-ton!"
and
talking about what the Producer said.
Sadly,
the depredations of age means all that happened was a head nodded off and everyone was
very unamused - which is, amazingly, exactly what happens when the real Ronnie Corbett
appears on TV these days.
TP.
Boris the Badger asks: Why, o all-knowing one, are
Arwen's hands never cold?
This
is simple. It’s not that Arwen’s hands are never cold, in fact they are always
cold. This was why Elrond bought her a pair of pink mittens when she was an Elf Child, and
she continued to wear them throughout adulthood. However, after she sees the image of
Eldarion and scampers back to confront Daddy, you notice that she casts off her cloak in a
dramatic gesture.
What
you don’t get to see is this: the mittens were the “mittens on strings”
type that run round the back of one’s coat. When she sloughed off her outer garments
the mittens got caught up and were pulled off her Elf-maid hands, leaving them exposed to
the cool spring air.
What,
you may ask, is the link between this and Arwen not being able to find a ship that would
bear her hence? Easy; the ticket (booked with www.cirdantheshipwright.co.me) for her
passage to the Undying Lands was tucked inside her left mitten, and blew away when she
dropped them. It’s all quite tragic.
TP.
Flooop asks: Dear Purist could you kindly explain the Rohirric Politics.
Theoden refusting to ask
Gondor for help in helms Deep only to complain that Gondor didn’t come to his help.
what is up with that ?
It
might be thought that you are delving into a deeply sophisticated world of diplomacy,
alliances, counter-intelligence and, possibly, badgers.
However,
I’m afraid it’s just not that complicated. Théoden was angry because he felt he
shouldn’t have had to ask. This is unfortunate, since that’s exactly what
Denethor was thinking as well. It’s a similar situation that occurs when you plan a
party with your best friend, plot all the details of when and where with him or her, get
them to help put up decorations, and then they don’t turn up because you never
actually sat down and wrote out for them an invitation on a wee bit of a paper with a
picture of a happy dog holding a balloon.
Hairy asks: Why is it that all important Elves, when in
They
don’t need them - Elven hair is practically indestructible. Don’t believe all
that gumph about Gimli turning into a romantic when he saw Galadriel and asked for strands
of her hair. What he was really up to was to take away as much as possible to his lab in
the Blue Mountains, there to artificially recreate it and make a fortune by inventing the
first toothbrush whose hairs don’t go wonky after seven days.
Unfortunately
his plans were never finalised, after the Dwarves of the
TP.
There’ll
be more. Feel free to send your questions!