Gerry had suffered a hard life. He lived in a ditch somewhere east of Basildon, he had no job, the only food he could get was stinging nettles and small, hairy caterpillars, and every now and again a huge cat would come and widdle in his shoes.

The owner of the ditch knew Gerry was there. He thought about ways to help him. In the end, though, the owner of the ditch decided that the best way to help Gerry was to leave him there, and find his own way out of the ditch. This would teach him self-reliance.

Gerry became used to cursing the owner of the ditch. As far as Gerry saw it, if no one would give him a job, he could never stop eating caterpillars and having cat wee in his boots.

One day, the owner of the ditch upped and left, selling his land to a new owner. One day, the owner of the ditch found Gerry.

"You appear to be living in a ditch," remarked the new owner.

"You are most astoundingly correct," returned Gerry.

"Hmmm," said the owner. And left.

The same as the old owner, thought Gerry. All the same…

A few weeks later, the owner came back. "Can I offer you a job?" he asked.

Gerry was delighted. "When do I start?"

"Next week," assured the owner. And left.

Gerry was mildly annoyed at the delay, but he was still grateful. The week passed, and Gerry started work, helping clear up the land in which the ditch was situated. Eventually, he earned enough money to move out of the ditch, and lived in a small house on the edge of the new owner's estate. He stopped eating caterpillars, the cat could no longer get in, and he had a roof. Life had taken a turn for the better.

And then one day, disaster struck.

Gerry was taking his boots off after a hard day's work, when he noticed something.

He had dirty toenails.

How had this happened? It was disgusting. He didn’t remember having dirty toenails before. He put his boots back on and went in search of the Huge Cat.

"Huge Cat," said Gerry. "When you used to come by and widdle in my shoes, do you remember if I had dirty toenails?"

"Beats me," shrugged the huge cat. "I was always too busy passing water in your footwear to take in any details."

So Gerry went to find the Hairy Caterpillar colony.

"Hairy Caterpillars," he said. "When I used to come and feed off you, do you remember if I had dirty toenails?"

The Hairy Caterpillars all shrugged - which looked very interesting. "No," they replied. "We only remember your huge hands and chomping teeth."

Gerry was perturbed. He was convinced that these dirty toenails must be a new phenomenon.

The next day, Gerry did not turn up for work. The owner, concerned, visited Gerry's small house on the edge of his land, and knocked at the door.

"Go away," said Gerry.

"Whatever is the matter?" asked the owner.

"I don’t want to work for you any more."

The owner asked why. Gerry told him.

"I have dirty toenails. I never used to have dirty toenails. Working for you has given me these dirty toenails."

And so Gerry stayed at home.

Eventually, the owner's land fell into disrepair without Gerry's help, and the local council reclaimed it. When they found Gerry living rent free in a house on the edge of the land, they evicted him. He returned to his ditch. The Huge Cat came past and widdled in his shoes. The Caterpillars writhed as he ate them. Gerry worried about the cold and damp, about starving, and about the smell from his shoes. But he never worried about his dirty toenails ever again.