Greetings, reader number ! Thanks for your interest!

Disclaimer: We've all heard it, read it and can recite it in our sleep…the Almighty Paramount and Viacom own the universe and all things Star Trek. No copyright infringement is intended.

Rating: Strong R / 18 for adult situations, language and violence. If you are a minor, please do not indulge. Find another story to read.

DISCLAIMER:

The idea behind this story is similar to the idea that conceived another story entitled Dark Side. Both stories, though posted at the same time, were conceived separately and in a vacuum. The reader should be aware, however, that the Editor and Technical Advisor on Allegiances, is also the co-author of Dark Side. The authors of each story are aware of the similarities, but remind the reader that the stories were written for entertainment, and we hope that the reader will enjoy each story in turn. The authors agree that the world of fan fiction is a world full of endless possibilities in entertainment, and is large enough for the same idea to exist in many different contexts. So sit back and enjoy!

Should you wish to read Dark Side (and we recommend you do), you can access it at http://members.aol.com/Yatokahc/Voyager/JCStories.html

Author's dedications:

Renegade's notes – Siobhan has become a close friend over the past several months, ever since she requested a copy of The Challenge, without disclosing her age to me. She happily acted as editor-in-chief on my other stories, Battle Lines, and Sweet Victory. Then, as the weeks went by I pushed, prodded and pleaded with her to agree to a collaboration. She finally relented. The story that follows is the result. The idea was conceived during a Trans Atlantic phone call, and subsequently outlined in an e-mail. That was over eight weeks ago. Since then, after several more phone calls to check on each other's sanity, pouring much of our blood and sweat into this story, and having our hearts broken a time or two along the way as we discussed the possibilities of the storyline, we produced this end result. We hope you enjoy our tale…

Special thanks to our Editor-in-Chief, Jules aka Rab, who patiently read and re-read every rewrite I forwarded to her. Her comments and suggestions were vital in the creation of this piece. She is indeed my security and special operations specialist…:) Jules…my dear friend, you are my inner voice. Thank you for being there.

Special note to Ghostwriter…Ghosti…my dear, you are my anchor in the storm…my true inner self.

And Siobhan…well I think you know by now…what can I say?… you are my inner strength.

To all three of you…my dear close friends…words can only express what I feel in my heart…you are the wind beneath my wings…it is through your love and encouragement that I can take flight….

Siobhan's notes - It's tough having to dedicate a story, but here goes. This is for Tony who puts up with a lot of crap from me, yet has never let me down. And for Renegade, who still thinks it's okay for her to do most of the work, but for me to get half of the praise (or should that read blame) Flamers beware; I am far too self critical and id obsessed to care what you think.....go play elsewhere.

********

Allegiances By Renegade and Siobhan May 1998

The lights of her ready room were dimmed to half illumination in an effort to help get rid of the damned headache she had. Chakotay's hands felt strong and yet gentle as he kneaded the knots out of her neck and shoulders. He grazed his hand gently over her shoulder, pausing to lightly touch her cheek. She didn't resist him. She couldn't resist his touch after what they had been through these last four and a half years. She couldn't resist him any longer, not after that letter from Mark. Her safety net had been torn away from her, and replaced by a man who was her First Officer and second in command of Voyager.

They had shared so many things, so many thoughts, so many dreams since their time together on New Earth, but no more so than they had in the last few months since those letters from home had been received. Their relationship was growing, deepening into something she'd never had with Mark. With Mark, she felt safe, secure, respectable, comfortable… but with Chakotay she felt alive. And no amount of security and respectability could replace that. She closed her eyes as his fingers grazed the corner of her mouth. She sighed and kissed the tip of his finger tenderly…. *Yes…* she thought… *I'm alive….*

His finger lingered for a moment, before he pulled his hand away and placed it on her shoulder. "There…how's that?"

She inhaled deeply and rotated her head, dropping it back against his chest. "Wonderful…Thank you…." She slowly opened her eyes to find him gazing down at her. She smiled up at him. "Join me for dinner?"

He smiled back down at her, squeezing her shoulders gently before rising from the couch. "Maybe later. I've got a couple of things I need to do first."

She feigned a pout. "Things? What things?"

"Oh nothing important, but I've been putting them off for several weeks now, and I need to put them to rest once and for all."

She stood. "Ohhh…you sound so mysterious Chakotay…. Come on…tell me…."

"Oh Kathryn stop it. Remember curiosity killed the cat…."

"Meow…. Besides…we agreed no secrets between us… remember?"

His mind flashed. He remembered the conversation they had had several months ago after she had received that "Dear John" letter from Mark. He remembered how she had told him that Mark was always upfront with her, never had a secret bone in his body, but that she felt differently about him…with him, she felt mystery…intrigue…. She told him how she still knew so little about his past before the Maquis and that fateful day the Caretaker had brought them together…. His eyes darkened for a brief moment before he spoke. He placed his hands on her shoulders and pulled her close. "No secrets… I promise…. I'll meet you later…say in two hours?"

She gazed into his eyes, searching for something…. She sighed. "Very well. Two hours Chakotay… But please don't be late…I'm famished!"

"Two hours it is…. I'll bring the wine." He kissed her gently on the forehead and exited her ready room.

As he exited, Kathryn ran her hands down her arms…a slight chill overcoming her…. She frowned as she walked over to her desk to start reading the reports once again…. *Just what are you hiding Chakotay?* She thought, frowning as she sat down. She quickly dismissed the thought…and said out loud sarcastically… "Nothing Kathryn…. It's just your imagination working overtime again…." She sighed…. Her imagination, as he was too often to point out, was always working overtime where he was concerned….

********

The remnants of their dinner lay quietly on the plate as the candlelight flickered on their naked bodies. Kathryn nuzzled the forehead of the man lying asleep in her arms. Each night that they were together was more precious than the one before…and she found hard to believe…more passionate. She shifted slightly to press her back against the couch. Tonight, they had never made it past the coffee table. A smile crossing her face as she gazed at the carpet… * I doubt Starfleet tested this carpet for endurance against wear and tear the way we did tonight…*

Chakotay stirred slightly, seemingly reading her thoughts… "Care to try for another endurance run?"

Kathryn giggled as she pressed her lips against his tattoo. "I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to explain these rug burns on my knees, shoulders, back and butt as it is! I'm scheduled for my physical tomorrow."

Chakotay grinned wickedly. "So what's a couple more? Doc will never know the difference." His arms wrapped around her neck and he pulled her mouth down to his, seeking to engulf her once more.

She resisted him half-heartedly, pressing her arms against his chest. "Oh no…if we're not going to make it to the bed tonight, then this time, I'm on top!"

Chakotay's eyes narrowed in thought. "Well…if you insist…"

"I do…It's your turn to test the carpet." She raised her eyebrows.

Chakotay sighed and raised his arms over his head. "Very well then." He stretched out beneath her and inhaled deeply. "The things I do for Starfleet…."

A devilish grin crossed Kathryn's face. "Starfleet indeed…. You'll do what I say… Commander…"

Chakotay only smiled. He couldn't resist, the words he spoke so many months before in anger, were now spoken in passion. "I'm your First Officer… I'll follow your orders."

Her eyes narrowed briefly. "As long as I'm Captain of this ship, you're damned right you will…." Her mouth claimed his in a fiery kiss, her fingers twirling and pinching his nipples to erection as he moaned and arched beneath her. His erection pressing against her belly as their passions ignited once more, and the candlelight slowly diminished with the coming hours.

********

Kathryn fixed her eyes on the PADD in front of her once more. This was the fourth time she had read that paragraph and it still didn't make sense. She sighed heavily, she hated dissension between any crew member. Hated it because it not only created unnecessary friction, but also because it caused her to lose concentration worrying about the resolution. Under normal conditions, she'd probably step in and try and resolve it, except that it involved the two men she entrusted more than anything to command Voyager should anything happen to her. Her First Officer and her Chief Security Officer. She could feel Chakotay's tension, as he struggled to gain control of his emotions. She closed her eyes and cursed inwardly. *Damn…. I'll be sleeping alone tonight for sure….* She knew he'd be sleeping with his Spirit Guide tonight, and would attempt to calm his rage before returning to her side.

She side glanced at Tuvok. His face was unnaturally tense. After so many years serving together, she could read his Vulcan mind like an open book. His mind was working overtime to quell the quiet anger inside him. Vulcans were such a frustratingly calming species. No emotions. No visible signs of anger, of rage, of anything human….

She sighed once again, as she caught Tom's gaze. *Damn it… He senses it too…* She looked at Chakotay and inhaled deeply as she stood. She had to put a stop to this nonsense. *Five days has been long enough.* "Commander Chakotay… May I speak with you in private?"

Chakotay's facial muscles tensed. He sighed. "Of course, Captain." He rose to follow her to her ready room. *Damn it…. Now is not the time for this….*

********

As the doors slid closed behind him, she turned to face him, arms folded, her Captain's façade fully in place.

"All right Chakotay. I've had it. Normally I wouldn't interfere with a disagreement between you and Tuvok, but this has gone on long enough! It's affecting the entire bridge crew!"

"Please stay out of this Kathryn. It's of no concern of yours. Just a minor disagreement between Tuvok and myself." He stood his ground.

"Minor? Minor! Chakotay, you and Tuvok have had minor disagreements before, but you've always been able to resolve them within a day or so. This one has gone on for close to a week!"

Chakotay sighed. "Five days."

"Five days. A week… What's the difference?! It's gone on four days longer than it should have! What's going on?" Her eyes bored into him.

Chakotay grit his teeth. He closed his eyes to avoid her gaze. "Nothing."

"Bullshit! Either you tell me what's going on of your own accord, or I'll make it an order, Commander."

Chakotay steeled his nerves and tightened his jaw. "Don't pull rank on me Kathryn."

Her temper was raging. He was being evasive. Too evasive…. "You'll address me as Captain, Chakotay… And either you tell me, or I'll ask Tuvok…and Vulcans never lie."

His eyes narrowed, as he clenched his fists. "I'm not lying to you! There's nothing going on that Tuvok and I can't handle between us!"

Kathryn threw her arms up in disgust. "Then you're not telling me the whole truth! You're keeping something from me Chakotay! No secrets between us Chakotay! Remember! That was the agreement when we took this relationship further! To a level other than just Captain and First Officer. A level other than just close friends. No secrets!" His gaze lowered at her remark, and she moved closer to him. Reading him. Studying him. "That's it, isn't it?"

Chakotay swallowed hard and met her gaze, trying to force back the emotions threatening his eyes. "What?"

"Our relationship…."

He could only stare at her in disbelief. "No. Whatever gave you that idea?"

She sighed as she gazed at the man before her. The man who had sworn to protect her from harm. Put her needs first above all else. The man she loved more than life itself. "You're trying to protect me again aren't you, Chakotay?"

His eyes blinked. His lips quivered. "Yes."

She placed her hand on his chest and gazed deep into his eyes. "I should've known it would be inevitable sometime… when we did take our feelings to another level. I should've known Tuvok would be the first to remind us of Protocol and Regulations. Perhaps we should've been more careful…."

Chakotay could only close his eyes to her words. "Perhaps."

"Why didn't he come to me about it then? Why you?"

"Perhaps, because I am after all, the one who instigated everything." His eyes looked down at her as they welled with tears. His face showing hidden emotions she hadn't seen before.

She placed her head on his chest. "Yes. Yes you were. But I let you proceed. Knowing full well of the consequences." She closed her eyes as tears formed. "Oh Chakotay! There's no turning back! Not without damaging our relationship as friends, as commanding officers…. And truth be known…I don't want to go back…. I can't go back…. I can't be alone any longer. I need you. I love you." She raised her face to look up at him, all of her emotions displayed in the tears rolling down her cheeks.

Chakotay raised his arms, shaking though they were, and wrapped them around her, pulling her close. He lowered his head to kiss her, tightening his hold. "Gods Kathryn… I love you so much! I never want to hurt you!"

Kathryn shuddered as she felt his passion and emotions take control of his body. Even in their most passionate moments over the last several weeks, she had never felt this much emotion from him…this much love. In that brief instant…she made up her mind…. She would talk to Tuvok…. She would tell him the truth. She would set the parameters once more…. She was in love with her First Officer, and Starfleet Regulations and Protocol be damned…. They were professionals…. Commanding officers of Voyager…. And it was none of Tuvok's damned business…. The truth had to be told…. And she would tell it… To the whole crew….

********

Chakotay shifted in his sleep…the memory of five days previous flooding his peaceful dreams of the woman nestled in the crook of his arm….

********

He had been in his office, seated behind his desk, staring at the file displayed in front of him. The words seemed hollow, empty of emotion…cold. That was the word to describe them…cold…. His thoughts had been interrupted by the chime on his door. "Come in." He didn't need to look up to know who it was…. Voyager's Chief Security Officer had always been prompt.

The Vulcan's voice was stoically decisive. "Commander."

"Have a seat Tuvok. You know why I've asked to speak with you, so I'll get right to the point. The situation has changed. Your initial reactions are noted, but are not to interfere with the current series of events."

Tuvok raised his eyebrow. "I do not concur Commander. I must insist that the situation be addressed. You are fully aware of the regulations and protocol set forth by Starfleet in matters of this concern."

Chakotay glared at him. "We're in the Delta Quadrant 60,000 light years from home… Starfleet can go to Hell!"

Tuvok was unnerved by the First Officer's vehemence. "Starfleet is precisely why we cannot, Commander. Need I remind you of your responsibilities…"

Chakotay cut him off. His gaze turning ice cold. "I'm perfectly aware of my responsibilities Tuvok." He spoke the word with venom in his voice. "I'm also perfectly aware of your loyalty to the Captain…. A loyalty, I might add, that has been overly protective on more than one occasion…."

Tuvok stared back at Chakotay. "Perhaps…. But need I remind you of your own protective instincts with regard to the Captain."

Chakotay was seething. "My relationship with the Captain is personal Tuvok. Stay out of it."

Tuvok sighed. "I am afraid I can no longer do that Commander. The situation dictates that I must make my report known to the Captain."

Chakotay stood and turned away from Tuvok, and walked to the viewports. His jaw tensed as he fixed his gaze upon the stars gliding by. "You know my feelings on the subject Tuvok. If you care anything about protecting the Captain, then please… don't mention anything to her."

Tuvok stood and walked over behind Chakotay. "I understand your feelings towards the Captain, Commander, and I understand the feelings that she shares for you, but it is my duty… You know that…."

Chakotay continued to stare out the window. His eyes darkened as he spoke. "I have always known that, Tuvok…. But I am now asking you as a friend… of mine…and of Kathryn's…. Keep your thoughts to yourself."

Tuvok inhaled deeply. "Commander…"

Chakotay turned his gaze to meet Tuvok's. His eyes were menacing, calculating…cold. "Don't force me to make it an order Tuvok. Now dismissed."

Tuvok's eyes shifted, and he lowered his gaze briefly before turning and exiting Chakotay's office.

********

His hope of peaceful sleep now a memory, Chakotay tensed as the words that had been spoken between himself and Tuvok lingered, threatening to destroy the very framework of their relationship.

His thoughts were brought racing back to the woman lying asleep in his arms. Those same words would crumble the very foundation of the still yet fragile relationship with her. After over four long years, she had finally let go of memories that had been haunting her. Memories that forced her to build her walls higher and higher. Memories that had held him at arm's length for so long. And now, those very words exchanged between him and Tuvok could push him away from her once more…forever. She'd build her defenses back up, and never let him in…or worse…never forgive him. *Damn it Tuvok…why now?…why after all of this time?* The thought resounded in his head, and he sighed heavily, the thought of losing her unbearable. She seemed to sense his frustration and placed her arm on his chest, resting her hand over his heart. He could only pull her closer, and tenderly kiss the top of her head. He murmured softly. "No matter what else happens, Kathryn …always remember I love you."

As the final hours before morning ticked by at an agonizingly slow pace, he continued to be haunted by memories and thoughts…. Memories and thoughts he had long since buried and believed to be dead….

********

Kathryn was standing behind Tom discussing fluctuations with the impulse engines, when the lift doors opened. She turned towards him, concerned. She knew he hadn't slept well these last few days, ever since his altercation with Tuvok, but last night, he had not slept at all.

She had grown accustomed to his sleep habits over the past couple of months, and could now sense when his sleep became disturbed. Disturbed by dreams that haunted him from time to time. Dreams of his life on Dorvan V, dreams of his life as a Maquis, the Cardassians, his father…. But he had always been able to come to terms with them…. But the dreams haunting him this past week had left him bitter and distant. Distant from Tuvok, the crew, B'Elanna, Tom, and from her….

Tom had not stopped his comments on the problem at hand, when she placed her hand on Tom's shoulder, silently willing him to still his words, as she studied her First Officer. He looked like Hell.

She watched him take his seat, and force a smile from his lips for her benefit. It didn't work. Four and a half years had taught her when to recognize his false smiles…those smiles meant to dissuade a crew member's fear, knowing full well of the danger at hand… those smiles meant to avoid a difficult subject, feigning impassivity… and those smiles meant for the enemy…. Each one filled with lies, but effective for the moment at hand. And this smile, reeked of lies…. He was troubled, and she knew it.

She sighed and smiled at him ruefully, hoping he would read the meaning behind her eyes. *Please Chakotay… Tell me what's wrong… Don't shut me out…. I love you….*

He didn't acknowledge her. Instead he glanced quickly at Tuvok. The meaning behind that look didn't escape her. She knew it well. She saw it on his face whenever they met up with the enemy…. *Why is Tuvok a threat, Chakotay?* She looked at Tuvok and decided that it was time. "Tuvok. I'd like to speak with you in my ready room."

Chakotay glanced at her quickly, not wanting to lock eyes with her. His emotions were rising to the surface, and he feared she could read him too well now for his own good. *Remember what I told you Tuvok…. Remember what's at stake…*

Kathryn studied him for a moment as Tuvok walked by her and into her ready room. She sighed. "Commander, you have the bridge."

Tom and Harry both exchanged quick glances. The brief moment of tension had not gone unnoticed to either of them. Something was amiss, and they knew it. Something that threatened to rip their little family apart….

Tom quickly turned his attentions back to his console. Chakotay's eyes bored into the back of his skull, and he shifted uncomfortably. The words out of his mouth were quick. "Ah yes…another day in the life of the bridge of the Starship Voyager…." He regretted them the moment they left his mouth.

Chakotay narrowed his eyes. "Unless you have something constructive to say Mr. Paris, I suggest you keep your comments to yourself."

Tom swallowed hard. "Yes sir."

Harry lowered his head to avoid his First Officer's eyes. If those eyes had been his father's he would have expected a severe reprimand and grounding. He felt his stomach tense and inhaled deeply to steady his hands.

********

As the doors closed behind her, Kathryn walked around in front of Tuvok, folding her arms in defiance. She was in no mood to mince words. This little spat between her Chief Security Officer and First Officer was going to end…here and now…. "I want an explanation Tuvok."

"Explanation Captain?"

"Just what the hell is going on between you and Commander Chakotay?"

Tuvok raised his brow and stiffened his shoulders. "A disagreement of opinions Captain."

She knitted her brows and frowned at him. "This is not a religious debate Tuvok. I want to know what's going on, and I want to know now."

Tuvok looked at her and sighed. "Then perhaps you should ask the Commander."

"I have. He's being as evasive as you are. I've never known either of you to lie to me, but now…"

"Vulcans are incapable of lying Captain."

She turned away from him raising her hand in the all too familiar gesture that indicated she was annoyed. "Why is it so difficult for either of you to tell me what happened?!"

Tuvok tilted his head slightly and chose his words carefully. "It is of a personal nature, Captain. I am bound by my duty as a Starfleet officer to respect the wishes of my commanding officers."

She turned on him. "Wishes? Tuvok."

"Wishes. Captain." He stared straight ahead, avoiding her gaze.

She smiled briefly. Tuvok was always regulation and protocol…orders maybe…but 'wishes' never…. She studied him carefully. She'd known him for too many years. He was a valued friend. As was Chakotay…but he was something more…. After several moments she sighed. It wasn't her place to intrude on a private argument between her two closest friends. "Then so be it Tuvok. I won't ask you to go against Chakotay's wishes in whatever matter it is that has you two at odds. But I will not tolerate any further tension between you while on duty. Do I make myself clear?""Understood."

Her eyes softened. She could sense his frustration at being in such a delicate predicament between his two commanding officers. She blinked back the tears that began to well in her eyes. It was time for the truth. "Tuvok…. I know you want to remind me and Chakotay of Starfleet regulations and protocol but after four long years I've come to a conclusion where the Commander is concerned. I need him, and I love him. We're sixty thousand light years away from home, and quite frankly, I'm tired of being alone. I don't expect you to understand the human heart, nor do I expect you to forego your training and just throw away your beliefs in Starfleet regulations and protocol, but I ask you as a friend to accept this decision of Chakotay's and mine. We too believe in those same regulations and protocol, but we are also human, and subject to our faults. One of which being, we've fallen in love. We've discussed our relationship at great length. We do not plan on flaunting it to the crew carelessly. Nor shirking our duties because of it. Our first and foremost duty is to this ship and this crew. Keeping them safe, and leading them home. Chakotay and I love each other. But we will not let that love jeopardize this ship or this crew. Not now…. Not ever."

Tuvok looked down at her briefly. His face vacant of any emotion. But his eyes were filled with concern. "I hope then Captain, that the love you share will be your guide in the difficult journey ahead of you. No doubt you and the Commander will need your mutual love and support to face the odds that will befall you as you protect this ship and the lives of this crew, against any and all threats that jeopardize them. No matter how significant those threats may be. Nor what consequences they entail." His words held a meaning two-fold, and he secretly hoped that her scientific mind would overcome her human heart. But Chakotay's words had been clear on the subject buried between them…and he could not disobey them….

She inhaled deeply. His logic was sometimes too complicated for her. There was dual meaning in those words, and she knew it, but she was tired of the tension, tired of hiding her true feelings, tired of denying the truth. She loved Chakotay with all her heart and soul and nothing…nothing…would change that. She dismissed his words as nothing more than a friendly warning to be careful. "Thank you Tuvok."

Tuvok raised his eyebrow. "You are welcome. If I may be excused."

"Dismissed…." She shook her head slightly and inwardly sighed as she followed him onto the bridge, her heart now lighter with the knowledge that at least one other person now knew the truth. She inhaled deeply and took her seat next to her First Officer, smiling at him. Her eyes filled with love as they locked with his. She nodded and turned to face the viewscreen.

Chakotay sighed, his eyes studying her carefully before diverting his gaze to Tuvok. Tuvok only nodded slightly and Chakotay acknowledged him in kind. The words were silent between them, but he knew the meaning well. Tuvok had respected his wishes. He had not told her….

Chakotay leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes in thanks. *I love you Kathryn… and thanks…Tuvok…*

********

The remainder of the day was uneventful and Kathryn was secretly relieved that the tension between Chakotay and Tuvok had eased after her discussion with Tuvok. It seemed, as well, that the tension between her and Chakotay had eased. He was smiling at her once again. His gazes locking with hers momentarily…flirting…taunting…teasing. She felt exhilarated for the first time in five days.

They'd been off duty for over two hours, relaxing on the couch in her quarters. Kathryn's head was on his lap, and he was stroking her hair. She gazed into his eyes for several moments before placing her hand behind his head and pulling his mouth down to hers. "Gods how I've wanted to taste these lips of yours all day…." She parted her mouth and bid his tongue to dance with her own.

The kiss was long and passionate. Chakotay slowly pulled away from her and smiled ruefully. "Well?"

Kathryn's voice was husky. "Well what?"

"How do they taste?"

"Hmmm…not really sure. Let me have another taste."

Chakotay's eyes darkened with passion. "Not before I taste something of yours my love."

"And what would that be?" Her eyes teased him mercilessly.

"You know damned good and well what…I want this." His hand pushed her gown to the side, as he pulled her closer to him. He lowered his mouth onto her left breast hungrily, engulfing it in his mouth like a man dying of starvation. He began suckling on her nipple until it was red and hardened with desire.

Kathryn dropped her head back to give him better access as she arched against his mouth, moaning in pleasure. Her fingers entwined in his hair as she pulled him closer, bidding him to suckle harder. "Ahhh…yes…."

He continued to suckle and knead each breast in turn, knowing that it only aroused her more. When he finally pulled his mouth away from her, she was breathing hard, her eyes black with desire. His words were breathless against her skin. "Gods you taste good tonight."

She gently pushed herself away from him, shifting slightly to her side. "Now it's my turn to taste something of yours…And I want to taste this…" Not allowing him time for protest, her hand slid inside the front flap of his boxers, folding around its intended target. She pulled it into the open, moistening her lips as she did so. One last look into his eyes for effect, and she engulfed him in her mouth, eagerly sucking the tip of it as he threw his head back in abandon.

"Gods…You know I can't stand it when you do that!"

She paused long enough to grin. "I know…I just love to tease it like this…" Her tongue flicked around the tip, causing him to tense and gasp in short breaths.

His fingers caught a handful of hair as he pressed his hand against the back of her head. "Ahhh…. Kathryn…please…. You'd better be careful or you'll get to taste something more….Ahhh…."

She pulled her mouth away and licked the entire length of him, suckling his balls, while she lightly raked her fingernails along his upper thigh. "But I haven't eaten all day, and I'm hungry."

Chakotay's passion got the better of him and he grabbed her shoulders, pulling her up to his chest. His mouth covered hers roughly as he then slid his arm under her legs. "I'll show you hungry, you brazen vixen you…."

Kathryn moaned in delight at his sudden roughness. "Get me into that bedroom Commander, and I'll show you just how brazen I can be."

He steadied his hold and started to get up from the couch, when the chime signaled for entry. "Shit…who the hell could that be?"

Kathryn groaned. Her hopes of an evening of rough horseplay with her lover dashed by the sound of that damned door chime. Her voice didn't hide her frustration as she looked up at Chakotay. "Computer. Identify guest."

"Lt. B'Elanna Torres and Lt. Tom Paris."

Chakotay raised an eyebrow and looked down at Kathryn quizzically. "Now what do you suppose they want?"

Kathryn frowned and sat up, stretching like a cat to ease the ache in her now frustrated loins. "Probably some time off to be together. They haven't been able to do much of that with the latest rotation…But they've got the worst timing in the universe." Her lips pursed into a pout.

"Want me to disappear?"

"No…. Not anymore. There's no sense in trying to keep this a secret any longer. Not after my discussion with Tuvok earlier. Besides, B'Elanna would be able to smell your cologne and know that you had been here." Her grin mischievous.

Chakotay smiled. *Gods, how I love you…* "Well, you'd better signal for them to come in, otherwise, they're liable to think that we're up to no good." He grazed his hand across her breast once again as his eyes flashed with a teasing glint.

Kathryn grinned as she kissed his cheek. Her hand drifted down to skim across the boxers, gently replacing the object of her desire behind its blanket of silk. Chakotay inhaled deeply at her touch, trying to maintain control of his already aching groin. Her eyes glinted with mischief and she pressed her hand against his erection.

Kathryn seemed to read his mind and pursed her lips at him, then slowly licked her lips as she gazed down at the bulge in his boxers. She pouted once more. "Mmm…and I didn't get to finish my dinner…" Chakotay started to grab her arm and sweep her into his arms. She pulled away from him, playfully planting a kiss on the front of his boxers. "Later my love…. Right now we have company…. Come in."

Chakotay cursed her under his breath. She didn't give him the courtesy of a moment to pull himself together before the doors to her quarters opened to reveal the two young officers. *You'll pay for that Kathryn Janeway…If they don't know by now, they certainly will after they see this…* He glared at his erection and pulled the silk robe around his waist quickly.

Tom and B'Elanna both hesitated slightly before entering. They were both already nervous about this late visit, but neither had expected to see their Captain dressed in her gown and robe, with her First Officer in a silk robe and boxers. His glance caught B'Elanna's and they both struggled to keep their wits about them. They had obviously interrupted something. Something more than a quiet evening in each other's company reviewing reports on plasma manifolds.

B'Elanna felt herself blush heatedly as she looked over at Chakotay. One thing about silk, it left little to the imagination. And one did not have to wonder what Chakotay and the Captain had been doing. It was quite obvious. She suddenly felt very uncomfortable around her long-term friend and ally as her eyes drifted to the predominant bulge of his boxers. She glanced away quickly, trying to steady her already frayed nerves long enough to get to the chair and sit down.

Tom's eyes drifted to the Captain's cleavage, which was predominantly exposed. Chakotay caught Kathryn's eyes and silently motioned for her to reposition her robe. She glanced down quickly and then to Tom. Her eyes flashed mischief as she raised her eyebrow and suggestively pulled the fabric over her breasts, glancing at Chakotay seductively. Tom swallowed hard to silence the gasp of surprise from his lips, as he felt the blood rush to his cheeks, his mind trying to comprehend the image of his two commanding officers in front of him.

His eyes quickly took in the surrounding room as his mind raced to rationalize the situation. By the looks of all of the candles and the seductive music coming forth from the bedroom, the Captain and Commander were not planning on reviewing reports of any kind until the wee hours of the morning. He glanced back at Kathryn as she licked her lips and blew Chakotay a kiss. *I'll be damned…. She's actually seducing him in front of us!*

The shocked looks on their faces provided both Kathryn and Chakotay a bit of amusement. Chakotay pursed his lips back at Kathryn, enjoying the tease as much as she was. He grinned. "What's the matter Tom? Cat got your tongue? I don't think I've ever known you to be at a loss for words. Nor you B'Elanna. Surely you're not surprised at our appearance? You've suspected this for some time…."

Kathryn shot him a playful look that said… *smart ass…* "Tom, B'Elanna, please come in."

Tom spoke first. It took every ounce of energy he had to pull his gaze away from his Captain's breasts, sighing inwardly. *Damn…you're a lucky son of a bitch Chakotay.* "Ahh…Actually… Well…I guess I just never expected it to happen…sir…." The look on his face was smug.… *It's about damned time you two became joined at the hip…* A smirk crossed his lips at his suggestive thought.

Kathryn rolled her eyes. "Oh stop it you two…. The truth is out, so the betting pool can be put to a rest once and for all Tom." The humor of the situation got the better of her and she couldn't resist the urge that suddenly came over her. "The simple fact is, Chakotay and I have fallen in love, and are now quite intimate with one another." She said it so straightforward that Chakotay's eyes widened somewhat at how factual she spoke…as if their relationship had been open for discussion all along. She shot him another *don't you dare say a word* looks and turned her attention to their guests, whose mouths had dropped in shock. She bit back a smile at the stunned looks on their faces. *Well…damn it Tom… you've asked for it for some time… It's about damned time I set you in your place…* "Now…Care for something to drink? Coffee, tea…wine?" She couldn't help but notice that B'Elanna was extremely nervous and kept avoiding eye contact with either her or Chakotay as she sat down in the chair opposite them. Kathryn smiled to herself as she thought, *Funny…you'd think she just caught her parents in the act… * "B'Elanna? Is there something wrong?"

B'Elanna looked up quickly. "Ah no…Captain….It's just…well…." Her eyes drifted back to the silk boxers, and she swallowed hard. *Kahless…help me with the right words and not be embarrassed by this…*

Tom took her hand and squeezed it tightly, seemingly reading her thoughts, while gathering his nerve after the Captain's snide remark about her relationship with the man standing by her side. *Damn, they do make a handsome couple…* He looked into his First Officer's eyes nervously. "What B'Elanna is trying to say is that…well…I know we haven't always seen eye to eye over the years…but…." He lowered his gaze as he felt Chakotay's eyes cutting into him, studying him carefully. *Shit…I'm glad I'm not a menacing alien at the moment…*

He was obviously struggling for the right words and Kathryn leaned forward slightly. "Come on Tom…What's up?" She placed a calming hand on his forearm.

Tom jumped slightly at her touch, the vision of her exposed skin causing erotic thoughts as he could only imagine his two commanding officers engulfed in the throes of passion. He sighed and looked down at B'Elanna. She nodded slightly and he gathered his nerve once more. "Well…it's just that B'Elanna and I have come to look upon the two of you as surrogate parents…so to speak…and well…" *Yeah…and I just caught Dad with his hand in the cookie jar…*

Chakotay had to bite his lip to hide the smile threatening to form on his face as Tom spoke. *Surrogate parents?…who would've thought that coming from a man that at one time wanted to kill me…* He suspected Tom was nervous as hell, and he wanted to keep his face barren of emotion at the moment, so he could relish in Tom's obvious discomfort with the question he suspected was forthcoming. His voice was firm and stoic. "Thank you Tom…. We appreciate that. Please…go on…." He pressed further as his eyes shifted to B'Elanna. She too was scared to death…and it confirmed his suspicions.

Tom gulped. "Well…sir…B'Elanna has looked to you as a friend and as a father over the years…and well…" B'Elanna squeezed his hand tightly as she looked up at him and then to Chakotay. Her momentary embarrassment gone, her eyes misted with tears as she looked up at the man who she considered to be her best friend and mentor. Chakotay's eyes held hers firm as Tom continued. "Sir… Commander…" He swallowed hard once more. "I'd like to ask for B'Elanna's hand in marriage."

Kathryn's eyes blinked briefly before turning her gaze to Chakotay. Chakotay's eyes misted slightly, but he blinked back the tears, his face emotionless for one brief moment. He studied Tom carefully. His eyes locking on Tom's. To Tom, it seemed like an eternity. Chakotay's eyes seemed to be boring into his very soul. He lowered his gaze and sighed, B'Elanna had been wrong…Chakotay was going to curse them both…with no doubt the Captain following suit…relationships between officers were out of the question…yet….here they both were, asking for their commanding officers' blessing and both commanding officers were dressed in their night clothes. Chakotay with an erection and the Captain half out of her gown. *Damn you Chakotay…. You finally get yours and you're going to deny me mine?* He felt his blood begin to boil as he thought about the double standard. But then, he noticed a hand outstretched towards him… Chakotay's hand. He looked up.

Chakotay was smiling. He had read every thought that crossed Tom's face and decided to put him out of his misery before he cracked and someone wound up with a broken jaw. His gaze was steady and held Tom's attention. "Of course…You have my…our blessing…." He tilted his head towards Kathryn, reaching his other hand towards hers, beckoning her to join him.

She took it, squeezed it tightly and stood by his side, smiling at Tom. "Thank you Tom…for thinking of us the way you do…We're honored by your gesture…. And we're very happy for you both." She leaned over to give him a hug as B'Elanna stood and looked at Chakotay.

He held out his hand towards her and smiled. When she took it, he pulled her into his arms and hugged her tenderly. "I'm very happy for you B'Elanna. For both of you."

B'Elanna quietly thanked Kahless that his erection had subsided as she felt his strong arms surround her. She looked up and into the eyes of the man she had grown to think of as her father. "You're not angry?"

Chakotay touched her cheek tenderly. "How can I be? You and Tom are in love…. And I know exactly how that feels." He gazed at Kathryn and she returned his gaze, silent words passing between them.

B'Elanna felt a breath catch in her throat as she watched them look at one another. She silently prayed that she and Tom could share half the love that was passed between Chakotay and the Captain at that very moment. She forced back the tears as her lips quivered. *My God…their love is so complete… so trusting…so eternal….* She buried her head against Chakotay's chest and hugged him tighter, thankful for his blessing, and thankful for the love that her dearest friend had finally found, and for the opportunity to glimpse only a portion of it shared with the woman of his dreams. "Thank you Chakotay…. Thank you for everything…." Her face was full of emotion as she looked up at him and then to Kathryn. "Thank you…thank you both for being there for us. We felt like we just had to ask you first…."

Kathryn took Chakotay's hand in hers and looked at him. The words that passed between them were silent once more, but each knew what they meant, and they smiled like two proud parents…. Kathryn embraced B'Elanna warmly. "We'd be hurt if you hadn't."

Tom's eyes locked on Chakotay's. "I'll take good care of her…. I promise you that. I'll protect her at all costs…."

Chakotay nodded slightly. "I know you will Tom." He pulled Kathryn into his embrace as B'Elanna and Tom hugged each other lovingly. His arms tightened around Kathryn's form as he looked at Tom steadily. "Love makes you protect the ones you love…no matter what the costs."

Kathryn had her hand placed on his chest, and thought she felt his heart skip a beat as he spoke. She gazed up at him, eyeing him. *Now why in the earth would his heart do that?*

********

As the weeks progressed, between the announcement of Tom and B'Elanna's engagement and the final realization of their commanding officers that they were in love with each other, the mood of the crew had been lifted off the scale. Even Tuvok seemed to be lighter in spirits as the days passed.

But then, the inevitable happened. The Delta Quadrant seemed to have a life all its own, knowing when things were going too well for the weary crew, squashing their hopes and dreams and forcing them back on their guard once more. No rest for the weary seemed to be its motto. And now, it threatened them with a subspace anomaly, and it had reeked havoc with the internal systems of Voyager for over a week. The replicator was the first to malfunction, then the array sensors, long range scanners, and internal communications. Nothing life-threatening but very annoying and very time consuming. B'Elanna had been spending the majority of her time in running back and forth between Engineering and the Bridge, trying to keep the systems from going into complete failure.

Kathryn and Chakotay had noted the rising tension between her and Tom and had decided that it was time for a break for both of them. Their engagement party was the following night and despite Neelix's efforts and the help of Ensign Wildman and Harry, there was still so much to be done. And B'Elanna and Tom wanted to be in the thick of it, rather than huddled over control panels and buried inside Jefferies Tubes tracing readings through "miles and miles" of conduit.

They looked at each other, as Kathryn placed the PADDs containing the latest reports on her desk. Chakotay smiled at her. "Are you thinking what I've been thinking?"

She smiled at him devilishly. "Yes…but we're in my ready room… and we are both still on duty."

"Ha ha…Very funny you wicked temptress you…. I was thinking about Tom and B'Elanna and you know it." His grin matched her own, wicked thought for wicked thought.

She stood and walked around in back of him, and wrapped her arm around his neck, bending to kiss him on the cheek provocatively. "I know…but I also have thoughts about last night and doing the same things to you Chakotay…."

Her breath was hot on his cheek and he felt his erection spring to life at the nearness of her and the thought her words provoked. He sighed and closed his eyes. "Damn it Kathryn…. You can be so difficult to serve under sometimes."

She whispered into his ear. "You weren't saying that last night Chakotay…" Her hand rested on the inside of his upper thigh, lightly grazing his hardening erection.

"Gods Kathryn…. Keep you mind on your work…." She giggled and pulled her hand away from him, straightening and walking back behind her desk. He frowned at her playfully. "What's so funny?"

"Oh I was just thinking how only a few months ago I would've reprimanded you severely if you had tried a stunt like that."

"Yeah…I'm sure you would've done just that…. But you would've enjoyed it nonetheless."

"What makes you so sure Chakotay?" Her grin was mischievous, taunting him.

He teased back. "The way your eyes always darkened with hidden desire whenever I touched you. Even if it was ever so slightly…on the bridge, standing behind you, or in the turbolift, on the holodeck… so many light touches…so many different meanings…. But each one given and received…in love…and unspoken passion."

"I never did any such thing!"

Chakotay smiled. "Yes you did. And you know it. You were as ruthless as me with your flirtation, if not more so." His gaze locked on hers and she melted.

"Well…." She recovered her wit. "You're just jealous that the shoe is now on the other foot."

"I am not!"

"Yes you are. It's me that's giving the 'light' touches this time, and you who's trying so desperately to avoid them…and can't…."

He gazed into those deep blue eyes that had held him captive for over four and a half years. "You're right…"

"About being jealous?"

"About being unable to avoid you. I can't…And I don't ever want to…"

The look passed between them once again. It had now become second nature to them both. Kathryn smiled ruefully. "Don't ever try…Commander."

"Is that an order…Captain?"

Her eyes spoke multitudes. "Of course. There are advantages to being Captain…." Her face beamed with delight at the thought of their erotic lovemaking the night before and the orders she had bid him fulfill.

Her comm badge chirped shattering her erotic visions of her First Officer and her entwined. "Torres to the Captain."

"Janeway here." She could tell B'Elanna was noticeably tense.

"Captain…that damned array is doing it again. The main computer is malfunctioning. Cascading failures have begun to occur and we've lost over 40% of our database files!"

Kathryn and Chakotay exchanged quick glances. "Calm down B'Elanna. The Commander and I will take care of it."

"But Captain…"

Chakotay broke in. "You heard the Captain, B'Elanna. We'll take care of it. You and Tom get down to that holodeck and tend to other matters."

"Chakotay…"

Kathryn stopped her. Her command voice took over, to speak for her heart. Tom and B'Elanna both needed a break, and she and Chaoktay had already decided to give it to them. Besides, this wasn't a life-threatening emergency. "Lieutenant Torres. You heard Chakotay. You have your orders. Report to Holodeck 3 immediately with Lieutenant Paris. I'm sure the Commander and I can get the databases back on line. If this turns into a life-threatening emergency, you'll be the first we call. Janeway out."

Chakotay grinned at his lover and cohort in crime. "You really are enjoying this aren't you?"

Kathryn looked at him. "As a matter of fact I am. Besides, these little malfunctions are annoying but not threatening to the ship…unless of course the replicator goes off line permanently and we're forced to eat Neelix's Leola Root experiments for an extended period of time…" Her grin broadened as she handed him a PADD. A quick scan of the screen in front of her told her that the files involved the ship's internal systems, part of the history database, and a portion of the crew's personnel files. "Here…. You handle the ship's internal systems files, and I'll take care of the history and personnel files."

Chakotay quickly glanced up. *Personnel files?* He quickly tried to dismiss the thought as he felt a frown coming to the surface. Instead he forced a smile and took the PADD, shaking his head playfully. "I am the ship's chief personnel officer…."

"Oh no you don't…. I'll handle the history and personnel files." She was grinning from ear to ear.

*Damn it. Let me handle those Kathryn…. Please…* "You know how I hate to work on the internal system files… I hate technical mumbo jumbo…. You're the scientist…you handle them."

She felt like she needed to check the top of her head for horns. "Not on your life. Besides… I told you… there are advantages to being the Captain…." With a slight grin and a wave of her hand, she motioned him to leave.

*Advantages yes…Risks no…* "Well, why don't you let me help you then? It would go much faster if we both worked on the files. There are after all close to one hundred fifty people on this ship."

Kathryn just shook her head. "No. I'll handle it Chakotay. Now leave me alone and get to work on those system files." Her tone had a hint of command, and he narrowed his gaze briefly, deciding it was better not to press the point any further.

As Chakotay approached the doors, he mumbled something under his breath as he blew her a kiss. "Keep this up, and I'll plan a mutiny."

She returned the kiss with one from her own pursed lips. "Not if you want me to let you give the 'orders'…"

He rolled his eyes and sighed, knowing full well what she meant…. *Oh and I will indeed my love…. The things I'll have you do Kathryn….at my biding.* His grin was wicked as the doors opened and he exited to the bridge.

As the doors closed behind him she hit her comm badge. "Tuvok, you have the bridge. The Commander and I will attend to the databases. Notify me immediately of any emergency. Janeway out."

"Acknowledged Captain."

A smile crossed her lips and she suppressed the thought of letting Chakotay issue the 'orders' for their next coupling…. She shook the thought off and turned her mind to the task at hand. She only hoped that it wouldn't take as long as it did the last time the computer malfunctioned. It took over 48 hours to fix it that time, and the lurid thoughts invading her mind at the moment, prevented her thinking much past that evening and the feel of her First Officer's body on top of hers.

As Chakotay headed to his office, a frown crossed his face. *Damn it… why the Hell did it have to take down the personnel files? Shit, Tuvok…you had better be right!" The thought permeated his pleasant thoughts of the woman behind the closed doors of her ready room. The look of concern was still on his face as he sat down behind his desk.

********

Chakotay glanced at the chronometer on his desk. He had managed to restore 80% of the ship's internal system files, but it had taken him over 18 hours to do it. He had briefly spoken to Kathryn earlier when she called him to find out about his progress. She wasn't much further along. She had managed to restore close to 95% of the history database, and only 75% of the personnel files. They had both missed dinner, breakfast, and each other's company, but each was fully aware of the situation at hand. No matter how small the problem, ship's business came before their own. He sighed. Chances were that they would miss Tom and B'Elanna's party unless they could get the files restored in the next couple of hours.

He spoke aloud to the emptiness of his office. "For such a small problem, you're sure causing a big headache." He closed his eyes to the vision of Kathryn arching against him, and subconsciously shifted in his chair. *damn problem has certainly caused more than one head to ache…*

He tapped his comm badge. "Chakotay to Janeway."

"Yes Chakotay…" Her voice spoke volumes. She was obviously thinking along the same lines.

"Any further along?"

"Well, I've managed to complete the restoration of the history files, but I've got at least a couple more hours on the personnel files."

Chakotay sighed. He couldn't help but wonder as to her progress on the personnel records. He closed his eyes as he thought of his discussion with Tuvok about those same files. Tuvok's words had been clear…there would be no problem. He pushed the thoughts from his mind. *Chakotay…you idiot…calm down…* He forced the concern from his voice, and asked her playfully. "Do you realize what time it is? Despite the fact that I haven't seen you in over 20 hours, if we don't get the databases back on-line soon, we risk the wrath of B'Elanna. And you know how angry she can get…"

He could hear her chuckle on the other end. "Not to mention Tom… that half Klingon protégé of yours as taught my young pilot a thing or two about anger…."

Chakotay laughed heartily as his tension eased momentarily. "Well…if we don't show up…then we might as well prepare a shuttle for launch and make our escape."

Kathryn laughed again. "You know damned good and well, there's not a corner of the Delta Quadrant we could hide in… they'd hunt us down like criminals."

Chakotay grinned. "Like you did to me?" The laughter returning to his voice.

"No…. Knowing Tom and B'Elanna, they wouldn't give us any mercy…. At least I showed you that."

"Is that what you call keeping me at arm's length, torturing my heart, for over four years?"

There was a moment of silence on the other end…. "I showed you the same mercy I showed myself." Her words were haunting, filled with hurt and guilt.

He touched the badge lightly as if to try and touch her cheek. "I love you Kathryn."

"I love you Chakotay." There was a long silence as each of them relished in the words spoken and the feeling their hearts shared even through the walls of the bulkheads separating their offices. Kathryn was the first to speak. "How much longer?"

"Maybe another hour. I think I just found the problem."

"Good. Then you go on to the party without me, and make my excuses to Tom and B'Elanna. I shouldn't be too much longer. I'll join you later."

"Don't make me wait too long, Kathryn…" Her name rolled off his lips seductively.

"I won't… Chakotay…. At least not until later. Janeway out." She signed off quickly after teasing him with that little taunt.

Chakotay murmured underneath his breath. "Bitch."

The intercom chirped. "I heard that."

*You would.* He grinned at her through the bulkhead. *Gods I do love you more than life itself.*

********

He tapped his comm badge before leaving his quarters. "Chakotay to Janeway."

"Janeway here. I'm almost finished Chakotay. Only a couple more files. You go on. I'll see you soon."

"Understood…. Just don't make me out to be a liar to B'Elanna. I value my head right where it's at…attached to my body. Chakotay out." He felt relieved. Her voice was as seductive and teasing as ever. *The file is still safe…*

She couldn't help but smile at his humor. She couldn't help but smile at the thought of him, period. She let a small chuckle escape her lips. If she didn't show up at the party soon, B'Elanna would most undoubtedly try and separate Chakotay from his head…and she couldn't possibly let that happen. His head looked so good attached those broad shoulders and chiseled bronze chest… besides…the things he could do with that tongue…. She felt herself warm instinctively…. *Get a grip Kathryn… and keep your mind on your work, otherwise, you'll be terribly late and risk losing your lover's head…*

********

She replicated another cup of coffee and sat back down at her desk. She glanced at the chronometer. She was already more than an hour and a half late, but there was only one more file to restore. *Oh well, it shouldn't take that long.* She thought to herself. She touched the screen tenderly. *I always save the best for last my love…*

********

She frowned. Her mind was fogged after close to 24 hours of wrestling with the damned databases. And now, the very last file…Chakotay's file…was giving her problems. *Typical… You're just getting even with me for not sleeping with you last night…*

She stretched and tried the restore commands once more. Several minutes elapsed as the database churned through the data… "Come on you son of a bitch…I'm already late… Hurry up." Kathryn's patience was wearing thin…why on earth was it taking so long! She sighed heavily, visibly frustrated…she gave the screen a sharp thud with her finger. As if in response to her threat, it blinked and Chakotay's file appeared before her. "It's about damned time…." She started to close the file, then thought twice. If it had taken so long to restore his file, some of the data may have been lost. She decided to take a quick look. She looked at the chronometer. She wouldn't have time to change. *Oh well…I'll just show up in my uniform…*

Her eyes scanned the data quickly, she had already committed every word to memory and would know instantly if something was missing…or out of place….

She took a sip of her coffee as her eyes scanned his records from Starfleet. A frown crossed her face, and she slowly set her cup down. *That's odd…where the Hell did that file come from?*

She studied the screen. It was there. Staring at her. An encrypted file that wasn't there before. She was positive. As many times, as she had read his file over the last five years, she had never noticed it before. Not when she prepared to launch her rescue mission for Tuvok, or after the incident with the Caretaker before she invited him and his Maquis crew to join her, or as her feelings for him began to change…wanting to know everything she could about him…commit it to memory…. But now this…an encrypted file buried in his personnel records from Starfleet? It made no sense.

She tried to access it only to receive an error message. Her command codes were insufficient to access the information. She stared at the screen. *Oh no you don't…. As long as I'm Captain of this starship, I have every right to know everything about my First Officer….* She continued….only to receive more error messages. *Damn…Why the Hell aren't my access codes working?*Whoever had encrypted the codes was good, very good, but something in the program's deterioration led Kathryn to believe that she was not the only one who had tried to break the code over the years. Her brows knitted. *Who the hell did this, and who the hell has tried to get into this file, and why the hell didn't I know about it!!*She wished she had Chakotay's help. But she knew he was occupied keeping B'Elanna from separating his head from his shoulders. Her stomach suddenly knotted at that thought, as she gazed at the file in front of her. She had a feeling of dread. Something told her that she wasn't going to like what she found, if she ever did break the code. *What the Hell could be so important in a personnel file that a Starship Captain can't access? Just what are you hiding Chakotay?*Part of her knew that the man Chakotay was now, the man she had fallen in love with, wasn't the same man who was dragged kicking and screaming into the Delta Quadrant. He was a mass of contradictions. But he had always been open and honest with her…. His emotions had proved that. Surely, this file was just an oversight. It was probably nothing more than records of his time spent with the Maquis and the acts of 'persuasion' he may have used on his Cardassian prisoners…but what if it was something more? Something she didn't want to know? Something that would damage their relationship? She shuddered at the chill overtaking her. *No secrets Chakotay…please…let there be no secrets…* She silently prayed as she read the words once more, searching for answers as to why an encrypted file suddenly appeared in his file after four and a half years.She knew from the records she had committed to memory that he had been admitted to Starfleet at the age of only fifteen. If he had gone at eighteen they would probably have known each other. Perhaps even had been in the same classes. Early admittance was followed by an exceptional journey through the Academy, which saw him placed on the accelerated command program. It seemed from an early age that Chakotay was destined for great things. The five years that followed his graduation saw him spend much time in the deadliest areas of the Alpha quadrant, but somehow the information seemed a little thin. Promotions were recorded, and were faster than you would expect. Junior Grade Lieutenant within a year of graduation. Lieutenant, six months after that. Then Captain of his own Starship before he had resigned his commission to join the Maquis. No doubt Admiral Hikaru Sulu was very proud of his young protégé. She knew he had been proud of Tuvok, but Chakotay's file was gleaming with adulation from the highest ranks in Starfleet.It was ironic, thought Kathryn, that had their circumstances been different he would have been her CO. She smiled as she remembered his question in Engineering four and a half years ago, after B'Elanna had been made Chief Engineer. *If the roles were reversed…* And then the thought struck her. She frowned once more as the thought ate into her soul. There were too many gaps in the records, too many deep space explorations. Even the legends, Kirk and Picard had not had that many missions into deep space and hostile territory. Someone who had not been born and bred Starfleet would not have noticed, but Kathryn was fleet to the core. She understood how Starfleet created records that suggested normal activity, but in fact, suggested something else. She felt the bile rise in her throat as she remembered where she had seen files like this before. The files belonging to her father and her fiancée, Justin Tighe. Her hands started to tremble and she clutched them together. She had to access that file. She had to find out was hidden beneath that sanitized Starfleet exterior. She had to find out because surely this could mean only one thing….betrayal…. Betrayal from the man she loved more than life itself.Her hands were still trembling as she tried one last command, a signal code she remembered from the period after she had lost the two men she loved most in the world at that time…her father and Justin. The screen blinked, as if surprised that someone remembered this long dead access code, and then two words that she knew would change her life.... Access Permitted. She was in.

********

Chakotay was becoming uneasy and found it difficult to concentrate on the conversation he was involved in. He nodded to the young ensign standing before him, silently thankful when Tuvok approached. As the ensign excused himself, Tuvok stood to Chakotay's left, quietly addressing him.

"You are uneasy Commander."

Chakotay smiled at a member of the crew as he passed within earshot before moving on to take part in another discussion. "You could say that Tuvok."

"You should not be concerned. The Captain will be here shortly."

"She should've been here quite some time ago." Chakotay turned to face him. His eyes narrowed. "Are you sure you did as I requested?"

Tuvok raised an eyebrow. "Your request was quite clear Commander. The file cannot be accessed. I assure you, the information is still safe. However, if you prefer, I can run a diagnostic."

"No. It would only cause suspicion if you were to leave now. I'll take care of it."

"As you wish. If you'll excuse me."

Chakotay nodded his dismissal, and took a glass of champagne. Raising it to his lips he quickly glanced at the chronometer. *Damn…where are you Kathryn? It wasn't supposed to take that long…* He studied the people nearest him as he quietly whispered. "Computer. Location of Captain Janeway."

"Captain Janeway is in her ready room."

*Shit…. Something's wrong….* He felt his heart stutter at the thought. He started to turn towards the door when Tom and B'Elanna cornered him.

B'Elanna entwined her arm in his. "Oh no you don't…. She'll be here soon enough. I don't want you disappearing on me before you've had a chance to toast us. Besides…if she doesn't show up…I'll have your head."

Her smile was captivating and Chakotay glanced at Tom furtively. *Calm down…nothing's wrong…she'll be here soon enough…. Besides, this is their night…don't spoil it with your own sense of worry….* He smiled at Tom. "I'm sure you'd appreciate that Paris."

Tom nudged him on the shoulder. "Not on your life Commander. You still owe me for last month's game."

Chakotay laughed, momentarily trying to forget about the woman he loved more than life itself, cloistered in her ready room…restoring those personnel files….

********

She stared in disbelief at the screen. Tears began to well in her eyes as her stomach turned over. She felt nauseous. The words were beginning to swim before her. Words from reports from mission after mission of a dubious nature, targets…assassinations…kidnappings…blackmail...bribery…theft. It was all there, all of the reconnaissance missions he'd been on, the operational research on the most advanced Starfleet weapons and equipment, the pre-emptive strike teams…everything…including words she hadn't seen since Justin's death… HRE: Hostage Rescue and Extraction.

The questions came flooding to the surface as did her tears. After everything they had been through over the last four years…after everything they had shared… emotionally…physically…. How could he not have told her? Was this the reason why he despised Tom so much? It wasn't because of his loyalties to anyone that could pay his bar tabs. No. It was because Tom was everything a man like Chakotay despised.

Was this the reason that Seska and the Obsidian Order sought him out so relentlessly? He was surely a prize. She wiped a tear from her cheek as her mind continued to race. So many things started to fall into place. His obsession with stopping Seska. Not because he was in love with her and felt responsible for her actions, no…it was because she knew too much. No doubt the Obsidian Order wanted his head. It made perfect sense. Seska had been relentless in her pursuit of him. Kathryn couldn't help but remember his lack of emotion when Seska had been killed during their last encounter with the Kazon. If he loved her, cared for her, even in some small way, why hadn't he been more upset? She sighed in frustration. *You didn't flinch Chakotay. You wanted her dead. You were just thankful someone else pulled the trigger…*

And the tension between Tuvok and Chakotay over the years, particularly within the last couple of weeks…? It wasn't because of 'their' relationship as they had led her to believe, it was because no doubt Tuvok knew and had been going to tell her. But when and how did Tuvok find out? Her heart sank at the thought, he must have known all along. He and Chakotay shared one common thread…Admiral Hikaru Sulu had sponsored them both. And his exploits were as much a part of Starfleet history, as those of James T. Kirk. They were men who believed in fighting causes, no matter what the costs. Rebels, in their own right, who had carved themselves and their crews into history. She remembered reading the reports from their mission to retrieve Spock, and the subsequent Starfleet wrath that followed. Yet, they had been absolved of any wrong doing. Forgiven and granted full immunity…. And this from a Starfleet that too often was unforgiving and refused to look the other way when its officers strayed from the narrow path? Her stomach turned over again. Voyager had been the newest and fastest ship in the fleet. State of the art in its mechanics. And she was considered to be the best of the best that Starfleet had with regard to its Captains. She remembered the day the message came across the computer screen in her ready room. The order had been given. *Send Security Officer Tuvok into the Maquis to gather intelligence against Maquis sympathizer Chakotay….* Why choose Voyager and her for the mission? Why was Starfleet so desperate to capture Chakotay? He was no more a threat than any number of insignificant Maquis rebels. She felt rage well inside her…. Starfleet had played her for a fool. They wanted Chakotay for a reason. He was one of their best, and he had strayed. But why send Tuvok? What role did he play in this little charade? Tuvok wasn't sent to gather intelligence…he was sent in to seek out Chakotay…. But why? Deliver a message to him? Protect him? Pull him back into the fold?

Her rage built. Her thoughts going back to the burning question about Tuvok and Chakotay's disagreement. Why hadn't Tuvok told her before now? Or worse, if he knew all along, why was he choosing this time to tell her? To perhaps warn her that the man she had fallen in love with harbored a mysterious and deadly past? To warn her that her lover had betrayed her…his friends…the crew…? She shook with rage. Both he and Chakotay had passed off their disagreement as a difference of opinions regarding the relationship between her and Chakotay. Relationship Hell! She'd been a fool…it was her that had believed that to be the problem…and they let her believe it. Vulcans were incapable of lying…but they could withhold the truth unless the right question was asked. And Chakotay had never admitted to that being the problem…he only admitted to trying to protect her. *Protect me from what Chakotay? The truth of your betrayal? Of your lies?* She closed her eyes to the tears that were threatening.

Her mind raced as it filled with question after question. Each one more damaging than the one before. Why his willingness to serve under her? How could he explain that? And their relationship? Had he been using her all along? Manipulating her? Lying to her all these years?

She cursed herself for her stupidity. Her heart had fogged her vision. She'd been wrong to let her Starfleet façade come down and let him into her life as something more than her First Officer. But they were more than that now…they were lovers… they were close friends…. She pushed the thought from her mind…. Lovers could be deceitful... But friends…? Never….

The dam finally broke and the tears fell at these last thoughts. "Oh Chakotay…why?" She sobbed his name as she read the file one more time. The words burning her eyes as well as her heart and soul. She lowered her head into her hands and broke down completely. Her world shattered with the words staring back at her.NAME: ChakotayRANK: Vice AdmiralSTATUS: Active assignmentDIVISION: Covert Operations

*********

She walked the corridor in a daze. She didn't notice the crewmembers as she struggled to keep her bearings and not crumble from the crushing weight on her heart.

Her thoughts were only of him…of betrayal. The man she trusted as her First Officer, her friend, her lover… He had betrayed her. He had betrayed them all. B'Elanna, Tom, Harry…the entire crew. Her crew…his crew…their crew…. Maquis and Federation alike….

She could hear the sounds coming from the doors of the Holodeck 3 as they opened to admit or allow exit to various crewmembers either arriving or leaving the party. She could hear their laughter, their joy, their happiness at the knowledge that two of their own had found happiness in the grim solitude of the Delta Quadrant.

She touched her hand to the door pad and it opened to admit her. She hesitated. She could see him across the room. He was engaged in conversation with B'Elanna and Harry. They were laughing. Laughing at something he said. *Telling them another lie, Chakotay?* The hair stood on the back of her neck.

The music started again and she watched as he raised his arm to B'Elanna. She took it happily, and beamed as he wrapped her in his arms as they took the dance floor. Kathryn's heart skipped a beat at the sight. B'Elanna was so trusting of the man that she had looked to as a friend…a father figure.

A crewmember brushed by her and she forced a meek acknowledgement. She watched the dance playing before her between B'Elanna and the man she believed to be her friend, her 'father'… A tear slid down Kathryn's cheek as she watched him…her friend…her lover.

He was indeed a master at his role. He had ordered the music, the orchestra, and had started the dance. He had let her believe that she was in control, whereas in truth he had been leading the dance since the music started.

She swallowed hard as she stepped into the Holodeck and smiled as Tom approached her, hugging her tenderly.

He noticed the glistening in her eyes. "Captain? Are you all right?"

Kathryn held him for a moment longer than protocol would've allowed. "I'm fine Tom. But twenty-four hours staring at a computer database can make anybody a bit teary-eyed. Besides, I'm just happy for you and B'Elanna… and extremely sorry that I'm late."

He took her arm and led her into the throng of the party. "That's OK. We're only just getting started."

The music ended and Chakotay and B'Elanna stepped off the dance floor. Tom smiled and motioned for them to join him. B'Elanna smiled when she saw Kathryn and walked quickly to her, embracing her warmly. "I'm so glad you made it. I was afraid Chakotay had lied to me." She shot her dance partner a playful stern look .

Kathryn's heart caught in her throat at B'Elanna's words. She suddenly felt smothered. She needed air. "Now why on earth would you ever think that?" She forced a smile and slowly turned around. She needed to escape. But he was there, blocking her exit.

He wrapped his arm around her waist and kissed her on the cheek. "It's about damned time you got here. A few more minutes and you would've had to re-attach my head to my body."

She stared up at him. He was smiling. That devastating smile that had captured her heart four and a half years ago. Her words caught in her throat as she pulled away from him. "Chakotay…not here…not now." Her mind screamed at her to slap him and confront him, but her heart told her to keep quiet. She loved Tom and B'Elanna too much to hurt them by announcing to the entire crew that their First Officer had betrayed them all with his lies. She knew B'Elanna would be devastated. She idolized Chakotay. Kathryn fought the tears stinging her eyes.

He looked down at her, and his eyes narrowed. They were too in tune to each other now for him not to notice the tension in her body, and the hurt in her eyes. "Kathryn?"

She tried to pull away from him subtly. "Please…This is their night." She glanced towards Tom and B'Elanna who were standing a few feet away, engrossed in conversation with four other crew members.

"Are you all right?" He tightened his hold. Something was wrong. He felt his stomach tense. His instincts beginning to take hold. He could feel her tense beneath his hold. *Shit…something's up…* She pushed him away, suddenly feeling trapped. "Please let me go Chakotay…" The room was starting to spin, and she felt faint.

He leaned closer to her, barely whispering. "What's wrong?" His voice remained calm and impassive. Years of training suddenly flooding to the surface to quell his suspicions, and keep him alert to the situation at hand.

"Nothing." She quipped. Her voice betraying her.

Chakotay looked at her and frowned. "Yes there is. Don't lie to me Kathryn?" His eyes darkened with concern.

Suddenly the dam broke and Kathryn knew what she should do. She turned on him. "You're a fine one to talk about lies Chakotay."

He studied her expression. "What are you talking about?" His eyes narrowed as he gazed into her eyes, searching for the truth he prayed he wouldn't find. The anger in her eyes betrayed her, and he felt his heart sink. His world shattered by the anger and hurt those deep blue eyes betrayed. *Oh fuck…she knows…*

She read the look that flashed in his eyes, before he could suppress it. Her face became pale as she felt the color drain from her cheeks. She locked her eyes with his, penetrating his soul like white-hot pokers. She stood there, staring him down. Burning him in the ashes of her own hell. Slowly, ruthlessly she lowered her gaze to his collar where his Maquis bar lay. Her lips twisted into an evil grin. Her voice was like ice as she fixed her gaze on his once more. "You're out of uniform." Her eyes were cold and maniacal as they cut into him, poisonous venom in her voice…as the final word left her lips… "Sir.". The look did not go unnoticed or misunderstood. She saw him pale, swallow hard, try to form some words, but he couldn't, the smile and color had drained from his own face as he stared at her.

Time suddenly stood still as they stood staring at each other, Kathryn rigid, angry, hurt beyond what words could describe. Chakotay silent, pensive and utterly alone.

Several minutes passed. The tension between them was crushing. The silence, deafening. There were no endearing words. No loving glances between them now. Now only glances that revealed the knowledge of betrayal and deceit.

No longer were Chakotay's eyes dark with concern, now they were dark with rage. His instincts, long ago buried but never forgotten, suddenly surfaced. He inhaled calmly. His own ebony eyes locking with her ice blue ones as he calculated the risks that stood mere inches from his heart…his soul. His face became barren of emotion. His voice cold, calculating, threatening as he spoke to her. "What do you propose we do about this?" he asked finally, unnerved, his many years of training coming to the surface to mask his emotions, as he calmly handed her a glass of champagne, a look of warning in his eyes. *Please Kathryn… don't do this….*

It was at that moment, Kathryn's resolve broke and her anger and rage came spewing out of her mouth as she shouted to the crew. "I propose a toast......to the crew of Voyager, and its commanding officer, Admiral Chakotay."

*********

Silence, so vast it could engulf the entire quadrant, followed.

Just as several moments had passed between Kathryn and Chakotay, so now there were several moments of utter shock and disbelief as the crew tried to comprehend the impact of their Captain's words. No one was saying a word. Some were too dumbfounded to speak, while others knew too well the ramifications those words entailed. And through it all, Kathryn and Chakotay's eyes were fixed on each other. And every pair of eyes of the crew were fixed upon them…watching…waiting…for the inevitable….the breakdown of their "happy family".

"Good joke Captain! What a way to get our atten…" Tom's voice trailed as he stared at his commanding officers. Tom couldn't help the chill that ran down his spine suddenly. If looks could kill, Chakotay and Kathryn would each have been dead on the spot. Kathryn's eyes were like daggers. Chakotay's eyes were threatening, menacing. Tom swallowed hard. Never before had he seen either of them so full of hatred and loathing. Not even the combination of the Kazon, Vidiians, Borg, Species 8472, or the Hirogen had ever generated the hate that was now displayed between his two commanding officers. He glanced quickly over at B'Elanna.

B'Elanna studied them both. Her mind refusing to believe and comprehend the words that the Captain had spoken. *This isn't happening. This is all just a horrible nightmare. Not between these two… Please Kahless…. Not Chakotay…Not now…* She felt her throat constrict as she tried to swallow. Something in the Captain's face told her this was indeed a horrible nightmare, one which she desperately wanted to wake from before it was too late. But as she looked from one to the other, her heart began to race. She tried to read the face of her long time friend. The man who had become her mentor. The man she considered to be a father figure to her. But there was nothing to read. Chakotay's face was now barren of emotion…too barren…and she felt her knees weaken at the thought that Kathryn's words had been true. She gathered her resolve, the shock still prevalent on her face, as her eyes narrowed. Her words were etched with pain. "It's not true, Chakotay, for Gods sake, tell me it's not true." Tears stung her eyes, begging him to say that it wasn't so.

Silence. Chakotay didn't flinch. He dragged his eyes away from Kathryn's and looked into B'Elanna's. "I'm sorry, B'Elanna." It was an apology…a confirmation to the truth of his betrayal.

B'Elanna gasped slightly. She suddenly felt weak, blinded by the emotions clouding her eyes. Her Klingon soul took over and the emotions turned to rage. She didn't feel her hand leave her side as she struck him hard on the face. "You bastard!" She spit at him. "I trusted you, I would have died for you!" Her fury unleashed, she started to lunge at him.

Tom and Harry both grabbed her. "B'Elanna! No!" She pushed Harry away, and swung at Tom, but he was too practiced, and avoided her blows, wrestling her away from Chakotay. "B'Elanna! Please!"

"Let go of me! I'll kill him! He's lied! All this time! He's lied to us! To me! Why Chakotay? Why?!" Harry had gathered himself and was now helping Tom with his intended bride as she struggled against them. She lashed out once again, breaking free of Tom's grasp. "You damned son of a bitch!"

Harry caught her around the waist, wrestling her to the floor. She was incoherent as Tom steeled himself, slapping her hard across the face. "B'Elanna! Stop it! Please!" As her eyes registered her disbelief, he looked into her eyes, pleading with her to stop. She looked at Chakotay once more before collapsing in Tom's arms, sobbing uncontrollably. He looked up at Chakotay with pure hatred in his eyes. His voice cracked with emotion. "When I promised you I'd protect her at all costs…I never dreamed I'd have to protect her from the likes of you Commander… Or should I say… Admiral…."

Chakotay's eyes fixed on Tom's. He could feel Tom's hatred. He knew it too well. Hatred that stemmed from protecting the woman you loved at any and all costs…. He himself had felt it too often over the last four and a half years…felt it for any alien beast that threatened his Kathryn…. But no more than he felt at that very moment to the beast that was within himself. He hated himself more than Tom ever possibly could. He knew his words to Tom would be empty so he swallowed them. Instead, he slowly inhaled, his face calm compared to the inner turmoil he was now feeling at the scene which had just taken place. He turned back to face Kathryn who still stood rigid with hurt and rage in front of him. The words that left his lips were cold…almost hateful. "You just couldn't leave well enough alone could you? Damn you Kathryn…you just don't know when to quit…."

Kathryn felt dazed from the event that had just transpired and could only stare at him in disbelief. *You damned Son of a Bitch! So now you show your true colors. You're as cold as your dossier.* Her voice faltered with the hurt she felt in her heart, for Tom, for B'Elanna, for herself. "Not where you were concerned." The meaning behind those words were two-fold and he knew it.

He sighed and stared into her eyes. "Perhaps you should have." His words continued to cut through her as he turned and exited the Holodeck.

The silence continued to engulf the Holodeck as Kathryn's eyes watched the Holodeck doors close behind him. She lowered her gaze briefly before glancing at B'Elanna. She was crying and struggling to free herself from Tom and Harry's grasp. Kathryn closed her eyes before staring into B'Elanna's face.

No words were spoken, but they each knew how the other felt. He had betrayed them both.

********

Silence faded into murmurs as several of the crew started to file out of the Holodeck. Realization had set in. The party was over. Their lives would never be the same.

Tom gathered B'Elanna into his arms, stroking her hair and speaking soothing words into her ear to try and calm her. His eyes locked with Kathryn's.

"I'm so sorry Tom."

Tom felt dazed, confused and angry. The two women he loved…his fiancée and his Captain had both been hurt by the same man. A man he had grown to respect and care for as a friend. "No more than I am Captain…. No more than I am." He tightened his hold on B'Elanna. She was devastated and clung to him like a frightened child. "Come on B'Elanna…let's go… Harry, give me a hand will you? Harry? Harry!"

Harry was stunned. Tom's voice bolted him back to the present. "Huh? Oh…Sorry…" As he helped steady B'Elanna, he looked at the Captain with questioning eyes. "Why? Captain? Why didn't he tell us?"

She could only shake her head. She had been fighting the tears in her eyes since she entered the Holodeck, but the bewilderment in Harry's eyes, the hurt the young ensign was visibly displaying was finally what caused the dam to break. Her lips quivered as she spoke. "I don't know Harry…I just don't know…"

As they walked past her, Tom reached out and placed a loving hand on her shoulder. She nodded slightly before motioning the three of them to go on and leave her alone with her thoughts.

She stood there for several minutes, contemplating the consequences of her actions only moments before. The silence of the empty Holodeck was now deafening. Images of her friends kept clouding her eyes. B'Elanna's devastation. The anger in Tom's eyes. The hurt and confusion in Harry's face. She spoke to the silence as tears streaked down her face. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…."

********

With her world in pieces around her, Kathryn started to leave the deck, when she felt another presence by her side. She felt herself suddenly seethe with rage at his nearness. She spoke without turning to face him. "What do you want Tuvok?"

Tuvok raised his eyebrow at her disdain. "Captain…I would like to speak with you regarding this matter."

She hissed. "Not now Tuvok…perhaps not ever…" Her rage was now directed at her long time friend. A friend she had confided in over the years. A friend she had trusted. *Who the hell are you kidding Kathryn…you trusted Chakotay too…*

Tuvok inhaled. He did not like what he had just witnessed and he felt he had betrayed her. He continued. "Captain…Please allow me to explain."

"Explain what Tuvok? His lies? Your silence all of these years? I thought you were my friend. I trusted you Tuvok." Her words were filled with hate and spite as she looked up at him.

Tuvok straightened his shoulders at her verbal attack. "I still am your friend Captain, and despite your feelings to the contrary it was not my choice to keep this information from you. However, the situation was such that I could not disobey orders."

"His orders Tuvok?"

Tuvok lowered his eyes and looked into hers. "Starfleet's." She seemed stunned by the word. She hadn't anticipated it. He continued. "The Admiral merely expressed his wishes that I keep the information from you until a later date. There are facts that I am not at liberty to discuss at the moment."

"What facts? And what the hell does that mean? Later date? Why the hell would he want or need to keep his past from me, from the crew?""Captain, please. I suggest you speak with the Comm…the Admiral…. He is quite concerned about the safety of this ship, and more importantly you."

She raised her hand to stop him. She locked her eyes on his as her face filled with spite. "I've known you for too many years Tuvok, and I can't believe that you wouldn't come to me before now. I was mistaken. But then…I've been mistaken about a lot of things lately."

Even for a Vulcan, Tuvok felt her bitterness towards him. "Captain…. I regret that this situation had to arise, but you must believe that Admiral Chakotay has only had the interests of this ship and this crew in mind from the very beginning."

Kathryn studied him. Her eyes searching that stoic Vulcan exterior for some kind of emotion. *You're as cold and heartless as he is…* "Excuses Tuvok?"

"Explanations Captain."

"Then why don't you tell me all about it?" She folded her arms in defiance.

Tuvok sighed and raised his eyebrow. "Perhaps you should speak with the Admiral."

"Evading the issue now?"

Tuvok straightened, refusing to let his guard down. "Obeying orders Captain."

"Starfleet's?"

"Admiral Chakotay's, Captain."

His Vulcan stoicism sent a flood of rage coursing through her veins. She hissed her order. "Dismissed, Commander."

Tuvok sighed as her words angrily bid him to leave her presence. As Tuvok slowly exited the Holodeck, he turned back to see his Captain, his long time friend and confidant, collapse on her knees, her world crumbling around her.

********

The doors slid closed behind him and he leaned into them for support. He managed to get all the way back to his quarters before the shaking began. But now, as he stood there in the darkness, consumed by a combination of grief, anger, and hatred, he fought to stand on weakened legs, desperately trying to figure out how to turn back time and do it all over again, differently.

If, when a young boy, someone had told him how far he would rise in Starfleet's ranks, he would have been delighted. But the mature Chakotay knew that the cost had been too great. He had lost his father, his home world, his identity, and now he had lost the woman he loved more than life itself. The woman who he had come to view as his savior. He had lost his soul.

He stumbled into the living area of his quarters before his legs gave way and he collapsed to the floor on his knees, clenching his fists in rage.

His lips formed the words his father had taught him. Words he had not spoken since that fateful day they were all thrown into the Delta Quadrant. "Coya anochta zab…" *Don't look back…*

His body was shaking uncontrollably as he pressed his hands to the sides of his head to stop the spinning and the thoughts overcoming him. Painful thoughts of horrible memories he had buried long ago. Buried when he first set eyes on that dark auburn hair and deep blue eyes through the viewscreen of his small Maquis ship. Buried, when he agreed to join her crew and become her First Officer. Buried when he became her trusted friend and confidant. And buried deeper still, when he fell in love with her.

"Kathryn…." He whispered her name to the darkness as he sank to the floor, the thoughts flooding to the surface and engulfing him in a painful blackness.

********

Chakotay's body twitched in pain as the nightmares returned. His conscious fought the onslaught of the attack, but it was in vain. His subconscious was victorious, and the memories returned to haunt him once more after so many years of silence.

********

At the age of fifteen, you know everything. He knew his father was wrong. Starfleet was where he belonged. Not on some planet, far from Earth, far from Starfleet, far from his friends, and far from the life he had come to love. At the age of fifteen, he knew what he wanted. A career in Starfleet.

His father's close friend, Captain Hikaru Sulu had even agreed to sponsor him. And by the time Chakotay stepped off the transport in San Francisco, Captain Hikaru Sulu had been elevated to the status of Admiral. A rarity at any age to be sponsored by an Admiral…but even rarer at the age of only fifteen. If Admiral Sulu could see the truth, why couldn't his father? And the truth was, he needed to belong to something more than the traditions and lifestyle his father had promised him.

But at the age of fifteen you need to belong to something, anything. And he needed to belong to Starfleet. It was his destiny. And he had been destined from that first moment he met Hikaru Sulu.

His destiny had been planned for him. Planned by the best minds in Starfleet. Laid out detail, by finite detail. Chakotay would be destined for great things in Starfleet. An illustrious career would be his. He would become part of the Starfleet family…. He would belong….

He had been sucked in so slowly. Sucked in by promises of great things, promotions, a Starship of his own. And within five years following his graduation from the academy, the promises had been fulfilled. He was captain of a Federation Starship. Captain of a Starfleet vessel before he was twenty-five. He was part of the "family" now. It was where he belonged.

He had readily embraced it all. He had opened his arms wide to the training, the missions, the clandestine meetings, the danger, the rush…*Yes…* he had thought time and time again, *this is where I belong.*

His destiny had been sealed from the very beginning and he knew it, and he relished in it. He knew how to play the Starfleet game and he played it well. He enjoyed it. Enjoyed every dangerous mission he was sent on. Every reconnaissance mission. Every rescue mission. Every assassination. He enjoyed the thrill of the hunt, the rush of the kill. He relished in the satisfaction of knowing he had just overthrown another troublesome government not cooperating with the Federation. He thrived on the elation he felt when Federation hostages were rescued by his team, suffering no casualties. He felt it all…he was happy to be where he belonged…and he loved the game.

Even when the Cardassians invaded his home world, he played the game. Played it for himself, and played it for Starfleet. No one knew. No one suspected. Not even when the Cardasssians murdered his father. He saw it not as his loss, but as Starfleet's gain.... He would become the angry son vowing to avenge his father's death, giving up a glorious Starfleet career.... He would rebel. He would join the resistance fighters and put an end to the Cardassian slaughter, and the Federation betrayal. He would become a feather in the Maquis cap that could not be resisted.

It was almost amusing how swiftly everybody fell for the ruse. Deep cover covert operations were not supposed to be this easy. But then who could believe that this was a deception? Who would stoop so low? He was avenging his father's death, nothing more…or so they believed. And Chakotay bathed in the afterglow of his deception. He had become the game master, and he was winning the game.

His body shuddered once as he convulsed from the thought, retching the bile from his stomach. His face grimaced in pain as his mind took control of his body. He struggled to keep his eyes open, but the thoughts engulfed him and he groaned as he lost consciousness to the painful nightmare once again.

********

He was a jewel in Starfleet's crown, and a feather in the Maquis cap. Just as he was with Starfleet, so he was with the Maquis. He was a leader. Strong, decisive, relentless…ruthless. And they followed him. He had his own cell of renegades. He remembered them all...his cell… B'Elanna, Jerron, Bendera, Suder, Seska. Elite terrorists that made him proud. Not as a Maquis Captain, but as a Starfleet officer.

He continued to play the game. He won respect in the Maquis, and was admitted to their inner circle. This, after all, had been the mission's objective. Find the ring-leaders, eliminate them and destroy the threat from the Maquis. The alliance with the Cardassians was close at hand. Any and all threats must be vanquished. "Destroy the Maquis." That was his order. Plain, simple, decisive. The sole objective of the game he played.

The game he had been playing on behalf of Starfleet had cost him a great deal. His pride, his people, his traditions, his father…his soul. But he never wavered from the objective. And he was so close to victory. But the years of deceit had taken their toil on him. Too many deep space missions…too many assassinations… too many covert operations. The anger and rage that he had felt for every alien entity that sought to destroy the Federation and Starfleet, had finally consumed him. He felt anger at his own failings as a son, and rage at the entity that had kept him where he belonged…Starfleet. No longer was he a leader. He was a follower. A follower of Starfleet and everything his father was against. He became torn, confused, and bitter. He had played the game to win in the name of Starfleet and the Federation, and had lost his soul in the process. And then it happened. No traumatic wounds, no sudden explosions, no visions of his dead father...it just happened. The game was lost.

It took a long time for the enormity of his loss to hit him. B'Elanna had been the first to find him, worried by his silence when she tried to contact him. She found him curled up on the floor of his cabin, in the dark, rocking backwards and forwards, sobbing. She reached for him, trying to understand what he was repeating over and over again…. "…my father's dead, my father's dead…."

The limited medical resources available to the Maquis could do little to help him. He had had a breakdown, that much was certain, but how complete or irrevocable it was, was anybody's guess. It was B'Elanna who brought him back to reality. Her kindness and friendship urging him back to a world he had never known. He began to respond to her kindness, returning it in kind, until they were the best of friends. And gradually, as his sanity returned, he began to believe in her and the causes the Maquis were fighting for. He embraced the beliefs his father had so long tried to teach him as a young boy, and he welcomed the traditions of his ancestors. He belonged once more….

And that was how Starfleet's finest turned. That was how he turned his back on the "family" he had known, belonged to and believed in for so many years. He began to enjoy the game again, playing for the "other" team now. He got a queer sense of amusement in sending the encrypted codes. A warped sense of satisfaction in the losses Starfleet suffered. Pure enjoyment knowing he was the sole cause of Starfleet's embarrassment.

But to what end? He wasn't deceiving the Maquis anymore. He wasn't deceiving Starfleet. He was deceiving himself. But through it all, B'Elanna had stayed by his side, helping him with his road to recovery.

And then just as he had turned to the Maquis, slowly he turned once more, back to Starfleet. His sense of duty stronger than anything his ancestors offered him. The objective of the game once more in the forefront of his ideals…destroy the threat to the Federation…. Protect Starfleet…. Destroy the Maquis threat….

But B'Elanna was a Maquis…. Hell…he was a Maquis in his heart. He had always been a Maquis…a renegade….

He hated lying to her, deceiving her, but she had come from a Starfleet background…surely she would understand when he told her. But he never did. The deceit and the lies grew ten-fold, and he was drawn back into the game once more. Betraying his friends for the sake of winning.

And then Seska came into the picture. She had been cunning and clever from the very beginning. Using her wiles to lure him into her trap. A formidable adversary. One to be reckoned with. He knew how to deal with her, but it would take time before he put his plan into action. And time was exactly what she needed. She manipulated him in the very game he had become a master at. After so many years, he played right into her hand. For what? Sex? The sex had been nothing more than therapy. At least with sex, he could feel something, if nothing more than anger and rage. But it had always left him with a bitter taste in his mouth. And this taste was very bitter. He had lost his heart to her. She had beat him at his own game. Seska had beaten him at what he knew best. Deceit.

His body convulsed as the thought of Seska invaded his mind. The mere thought of feeling her body next to his sending shudders through him, as he remembered her words of endearment. Words from a Cardassian. A murderer. The bile rose in his throat once more, but his mind gripped his body in the nightmare it was replaying and refused to let him awaken. He felt himself gasp as the blackness engulfed him even more, pulling him deeper into the bottomless pit.

********

Information had been leaked to Starfleet that the Maquis had discovered his identity. His life was in danger. Starfleet fell for it and Tuvok was sent in to pull him out. Protect his back. But things went awry. It was not the Maquis that wanted him. It was the Cardassians. And Seska had been leading the pack. Chakotay would be a prize to be had. They would use him as a pawn in their own deadly game of deceit with the Federation. But Chakotay had other ideas in mind. The game had to be won for Starfleet. He headed for the Badlands and the protection the plasma storms could provide.

His years of covert operations had taken him into the deepest sectors of un-patrolled Federation space, and had taught him a thing or two about maneuvering through plasma storms. His escapades as a hot shot pilot did not go unnoticed by his superiors at Starfleet. The information he provided had been vital to the development of Starfleet's most advanced equipment and vessels. Plasma storms could be deadly for a Starship, so he had made his recommendation based on his experience as a pilot, his foresight as a captain and his cunning as a spy…. ********

The bioneural circuitry had been merely a suggestion, but Starfleet took it to heart and put in the blueprints. The result…Voyager…latest in its design as an Intrepid-class ship. Capable of a maximum sustained speed of warp nine point nine seven five. Manned by a crew compliment of 150 under the command of Kathryn Janeway.

Captain Kathryn Janeway. Sent on a mission to pull back her Chief Security Officer whom she believed to be undercover, and to recover notorious Maquis conspirator and terrorist, Chakotay. At least that's what Starfleet wanted her to believe in their little game…. And Kathryn had believed it. Believed that Tuvok had been in danger, believed that Chakotay was a Maquis conspirator, believed everything Starfleet had told her, because she believed in Starfleet, and it could do no wrong. It would never lie to her. Betray her… But for Starfleet, it was still just a game…a deadly game to be won for the sake of Starfleet and the Federation.

But the day they were thrust into the Delta Quadrant, the playing field was changed, and the game took on a different meaning. No longer was it a game of outsmarting the enemy. Now it was a game of survival.

Survival not for himself. But for the Starship he had helped to conceive, Voyager, captained by the woman of his dreams, Kathryn. The woman who had made him forget his past. Forget the lies, the deceit, the betrayal of the game he had played for so many years. The woman who had saved his soul. The woman who he loved more than life itself.

Voyager…Kathryn…they had now become synonymous in the deadly game he had played. But he had always played the game to win and now he had lost everything.

********

The blackness of the pain coursed through his body as he felt the tears seep through his eyelids, struggling to open them to the darkness of his quarters. His body was shuddering, the images nauseating him. There was a firm hand on his shoulder, pulling him back from the bottomless black pit he was falling into.

"Admiral?" Tuvok's voice was strong and questioning. "Admiral…" Chakotay fought the shuddering of his muscles as he struggled to open his eyes. Tuvok gripped his shoulder tighter in concern. "Admiral Chakotay? Are you alright?"

His eyes finally fluttered open, and he tried to focus on the stoic Vulcan kneeling next to him. His voice cracked with emotion. "Tuvok? What the hell happened?"

Tuvok raised his eyebrow disapprovingly. "I had hoped that you would be able to tell me that sir. When you left the Holodeck, I decided that I should speak with you. However, an incident between crew members occurred that required my immediate attention, and I have only just arrived a few moments ago. When you did not answer your door, I became concerned for your welfare and entered my security code for clearance. Do you not remember what happened or how long you have been in this state?"

Chakotay tried to push himself up on his elbows, but his strength failed him, and Tuvok helped him to a seated position. He groaned as every muscle in his body resisted the movement, and his head pounded in protest to the sudden upward motion. He felt suddenly ill and doubled over, inhaling deeply to keep from vomiting. He gathered his wits and sighed as the spasm subsided. He closed his eyes to the dizziness he was feeling as he spoke. "All I remember is leaving the Holodeck and entering my quarters. After that, I don't remember a damned thing except things I don't want to remember."

Tuvok raised his brow once more at Chakotay's nuance. "I fail to see the logic in that statement Admiral."

Chakotay grimaced again in pain as he pushed himself up to a standing position. As the dizziness took hold, he welcomed Tuvok's hand on his arm, steadying him. "Forget it Tuvok. I just wish I could."

Tuvok sighed. He knew too well, what Chakotay meant. "You have had another nightmare Admiral?"

It was more a statement of fact than a question. It had happened before…shortly after he had come on board Voyager and lured his Maquis cell into the Federation crew…once again deceiving his friends for the sake of winning…for the sake of Starfleet. Chakotay rubbed his temples again to push the memories aside. "Yes…What time is it?" He started to falter as he took a step.

Tuvok grabbed his arm once more to hold up his superior officer. "2330 hours. Admiral? Perhaps you should see the Doctor? You have not had an attack of this nature for quite some time."

Chakotay brushed his hand away. His voice was firm. "No Tuvok. I'm alright. It was just a nightmare, nothing more. Damn! 2330!" He ran his hand through his hair and sighed heavily.

Tuvok studied Chakotay with a discerning glance. "Yes sir. And you left the Holodeck at approximately 2200 hours." There was a hint of concern on the face of the stoic Vulcan, and his voice momentarily betrayed him.

The concern did not go unnoticed, but Chakotay chose to ignore it. "Shit…An hour and a half lost to memories that I thought were dead and buried a long time ago."

"Buried perhaps. But obviously not 'dead' Admiral."

Chakotay shot him a look of indignation that would've burned the devil himself. "Thank you for that analysis Commander." He pressed his hands to his temples in an effort to dull the pain. He focused his eyes on the stars flying by in the viewport. His voice was soft. "The Captain?"

Tuvok straightened his shoulders. "I left her on the Holodeck. She was visibly upset."

"No doubt."

Tuvok stepped closer to stand behind Chakotay. "Admiral…Considering this latest development, I suggest you speak with the Captain. The issue must be brought to light."

Chakotay didn't turn. Instead, his shoulders stiffened as his jaw clenched. His fists closed tightly. "No. Not yet."

"Admiral…"

Chakotay turned into him. His eyes were black with rage and determination. "I said no Tuvok. It's too dangerous."

"Sir…I disagree." Tuvok pressed further.

"That's an order Tuvok. You will not mention it again." His voice had turned cold.

Tuvok inhaled and stiffened, his face becoming barren. "Aye sir."

Chakotay studied him for a moment, then walked by him towards his desk, his mind now on other matters. "You mentioned an incident between crew members."

"Yes sir. An altercation between Lieutenants Carey and Jerron."

"Shit. It's started."

"Though colorful in your choice of words, I would believe that to be a true statement Admiral. The former members of the Maquis no doubt believe you betrayed them for the Federation."

"And the members of the Starfleet crew will believe that I have betrayed them from the very beginning."

Tuvok raised his eyebrow. "Sir…you have done precisely that."

"Don't remind me Tuvok." His eyes closed to the thought of Kathryn. *What's worse, is I betrayed you my love…*

Tuvok read his thoughts. "It is unfortunate that your betrayal included the Captain. I believe that your relationship with the Captain is responsible for these unfortunate events. She was attracted to you, intrigued by you, and your reluctance, for very good reason, to be open with her, aroused her curiosity. I must admit that I did not anticipate her persistence in retrieving those files, nor the fact that she was able to access that code. I must consider the possibility that if she was able to break it after all the precautions I took, then another may be able to do so. We must now consider what action to take for your protection.…"

Chakotay felt his stomach tighten. His eyes burned, as his head started to pound once again. "It's not my protection you should be worried about Tuvok."

"Sir. Need I remind you that your protection has always been my responsibility."

"Four and a half years ago I would've agreed with you Tuvok. But the moment we got sucked into the Delta Quadrant, your responsibilities as well as mine changed. We're under different orders now Tuvok."

"I must differ with you Admiral. Your orders were to destroy the Maquis, and protect the Federation at all costs…."

Chakotay turned on him vehemently, interrupting him. "All costs! What higher cost could I pay than the life of my father, and the lives of my people?!"

Tuvok lowered his eyes briefly then met Chakotay's cold gaze. "A regrettable incident Admiral. But you yourself were instrumental in bringing many of those criminals to justice."

"But not before I sacrificed my soul Tuvok. And I will not sacrifice any more lives for the sake of Starfleet and the Federation." He turned away from him, and approached the viewport, staring back out at the stars.

"Admiral?"

Chakotay had had enough. "Dismissed Commander." His voice was fraught with emotion. Several minutes of silence passed between them. Tuvok raised his brow and turned to leave. As the doors slid open, Chakotay spoke once more, his back to Tuvok as he gazed out the viewport. This time, his voice was cold, calculating, filled with years of training and expertise. "Voyager must be protected at all costs Tuvok. Continue the investigation. I'll speak to the Captain when we have something more conclusive. In the meantime, concentrate your efforts on protecting her…not me. I can take care of myself."

Tuvok slowly turned. His shoulders stiffened as he spoke. "A fact I have always been aware of Admiral."

"Protect her Tuvok. No matter what happens. Keep Kathryn alive." Chakotay's voice was decisive.

"Yes sir. Goodnight Admiral."

"Goodnight Tuvok."

As the doors slid closed behind Tuvok, Chakotay lowered his head as the tears flowed down his cheeks, his past and his grief consuming him once more. He gazed down at his trembling hands. He spoke to the silence of his darkened quarters. "Kathryn… Please forgive me…."

********

The tension on the bridge the next day was so thick, it could be cut with a butter knife. Tom was seething. He wanted to strangle Chakotay with his bare hands. B'Elanna only succumbed to sleep after being given a very strong sedative by the Doctor, but not before she had cried hysterically for hours in Tom's arms. At times, she had been incoherent, claiming that Chakotay was her father, and despite Tom's efforts to the contrary to tell her otherwise, she believed it was the truth and was distraught that her own father could do such a thing…deceive his own child… The Doctor had relieved her of duty for the next 36 hours, with orders of complete bed rest. Before Tom had left her to come on duty, he had had to administer another hypospray to calm her once again, as she had awoke to a horrible nightmare.

He couldn't stop the words that hissed from his mouth. "I could kill you Chakotay…"

Tuvok's hearing was acute, but perhaps no more so than that morning. The fact that Chakotay's private past was now a matter of public debate, put his superior officer in great danger from a crew all too willing to act first and ask questions later. His voice was stern and his eyes narrowed as he spoke. "Mr. Paris. I suggest you keep your comments on the Comm…Admiral's fate…to yourself."

Tom shot him a look of indignation. His eyes flashed at the Vulcan staring at him. "Whatever you say…sir…" His insolence was more than apparent. He whirled back around to his console but not before catching Harry's eye. He tried to smile at his friend, but Harry only returned it with a glare and warning glance. *Oh pipe down Harry…you know I'm not serious…*

Harry felt Tuvok studying him, and quickly glanced at the Security Officer. He smiled faintly at the Vulcan, briefly wishing he had never got out of bed this morning, and praying that the night before had only been a horrible nightmare. *Shit…this is going to be a long day…*

Tuvok stared at him for a moment. It was obvious that Harry was extremely uncomfortable this morning, and visibly upset from the turn of events the night before. He sighed. Harry Kim was still young and very impressionable, and Tuvok had not been the only one to notice the admiration he had for his two commanding officers. Tuvok raised an eyebrow at Harry's glaring glance at his friend seated at the pilot's console. "Ensign Kim…I suggest you too keep your thoughts to yourself…including your wayward glances to Lieutenant Paris." He eyed the other members of the bridge crew. "That includes all of you. Please remember that the events of the past 24 hours do not outweigh the priorities of running this ship. Each member of this crew will be expected to put their personal feelings and differences aside with regard to this matter. Do I make myself clear?" His gaze turned back to Harry.

Harry shifted uncomfortably. "Yes sir…Sorry sir."

Tom didn't turn but clenched his fists as the thoughts from the previous night resounded through his head once more. His anger was interrupted by the sound of the turbolift doors and the familiar sound of his Captain's stride.

When the doors opened, she hesitated for a moment. *Great…He's not here…* Her voice was raspy and her eyes were red and swollen. She shot Tuvok a glare as she strode to the command level. "Report!" She started to sit down in her chair then thought twice and stepped towards Chakotay's instead. All eyes were upon her and her actions, as she sat down.

Tuvok raised his eyebrow at the sudden chill that overcame the bridge at that moment. "All systems operating at nominal capacity. Captain…need I remind you…"

She turned on him vehemently. "You'll remind me of nothing Commander Tuvok!"

Tuvok started to speak when the doors to the turbolift opened once more. The silence became deafening. Chakotay took a step forward and acknowledged Tuvok with a nod. He slowly gazed around the room at each pair of eyes staring back at him. Some turned away quickly, others glanced down and busied themselves with their tasks, and others, like Tom and Kathryn were glaring at him. His eyes locked with Tom's and he felt Tom burning him in the ashes of his hatred. Chakotay inhaled, his eyes becoming barren of emotion. Too many years as a spy had taught him one thing…never let the enemy see your emotions…especially fear. Fear that he had lost his best friends. *Damn it Tom…Will you and B'Elanna ever be able to forgive me?*

His attention shifted to the woman standing by his chair. He looked at her carefully, studying her face. He knew every line, every curve, every emotion. And he knew the emotion she was displaying now. An emotion directed at him, and him alone. An emotion reserved for the enemy. Hatred.

He inhaled deeply to steady himself as he stepped down onto the command level. Their eyes locked. He couldn't help but notice that her eyes were red and swollen and her cheeks flushed. His heart broke at the sight of her. She'd been crying all night. His gaze softened, willing her to believe him, to read the emotions in his heart. He was rewarded with an icy glare, barren of emotion. He swallowed hard and stiffened his back. His voice became cold. "Captain…I believe your seat is over there." He tilted his head slightly in the direction of the captain's chair.

She felt the hair on the back of her neck bristle. She clenched her fists. Her voice was harsh and barely above a whisper, but thick with poisonous venom. "I think not Admiral…that chair is reserved for the commanding officer."

The air between them iced. Chakotay's eyes flashed at her. *Damn you Kathryn…* His voice betrayed his anger at her words. His voice was low and menacing. "In the ready room…Now!"

Kathryn glared at him. She turned on her heel and strode towards the ready room, silent.

Chakotay tightened his jaw, barking his orders over his shoulder as he followed her. "You have the bridge Tuvok!"

As the doors to the ready room closed, all eyes that had been fixed on the brief confrontation between the two commanding officers lowered in despondency, including Tom's. His heart went out to the Captain as he felt the urge to strangle Chakotay take over once again. *If it's the last thing I do, you'll pay for hurting her and B'Elanna. I swear it by the Spirit of Kahless you will…*

The look on Tom's face did not go unnoticed by Harry. His felt his eyes well with tears. His "family" was tearing apart at the seams.

*********

The doors slid closed behind them. Kathryn's back was to him. Chakotay was fuming. "Just what the HELL was that all about?!"

Kathryn didn't turn. Her eyes were welling with tears and she was fighting to regain control. She didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he had hurt her. "Like I said…Admiral…that chair is reserved for the officer in command of Voyager."

Chakotay grabbed her arm and spun her around to face him. Her eyes cut into him and he momentarily froze, his emotion betrayed in his voice as he spoke. "Kathryn…"

She stiffened. "Please address me as Captain…sir…"

Her words hit their mark. He felt his heart shatter and he closed his eyes to collect his thoughts. He steeled himself to face her. His words were strong. "Very well…Captain…Let me make myself perfectly clear with regard to the command structure of this ship…You are still Captain of this vessel and therefore, still in command."

Kathryn took a step closer to him, challenging him. "I beg to differ Admiral…Starfleet regulations and protocol dictate that the highest ranking officer on board ship assume command."

Chakotay felt his anger mount. His eyes flashed and Kathryn felt herself shudder slightly at the rage she saw in his eyes. His voice was fierce, filled with pure hatred for the object of his loathing at that moment. The object that had taken away his Kathryn. "We're in the Delta Quadrant! Starfleet can go to HELL!"

Her eyes narrowed as she raised her eyebrow and crossed her arms across her chest. "Hell…Admiral…? Didn't you take an oath to follow Starfleet into Hell if need be? To protect it at all costs…?"

Chakotay felt his hand clench, raising to strike her. He caught himself in mid strike. But the damage was already done. Their eyes locked once more. He lowered his hand and glared at her. "You will never understand what costs I have had to pay to protect Starfleet."

Her gaze was steady. Her voice was emotionless. "No. No I won't. Nor do I ever choose to."

The silence between them was as deafening as it had been only ten hours earlier. Chakotay's emotions were raging but his face was barren as he spoke. There was still too much at stake to risk betraying his emotions to her. He had to protect the ship. He had…he wanted only…to protect Kathryn. "That is your option. However, one fact remains. As the highest-ranking officer on board this vessel, my orders must be obeyed. And the orders are these… The command structure of this ship does not change. You will continue to act as Captain, and have full command. In addition, I will remain your First Officer, and second in command. Furthermore…you will address me by the rank you bestowed on me when I joined your crew as First Officer. If you cannot address me as Chakotay as you have done in the past, then you will address me as Commander. Is that understood…Captain?"

Kathryn's eyes stung with tears. She swallowed hard. Her eyes narrowed as they flashed her hatred. The words were once again cold and bitter. "Perfectly…Commander… May I be excused?"

Chakotay's jaw tensed. He hissed. "Dismissed. Resume your post, Captain. You have a ship to run."

Kathryn didn't bother to think twice, she strode to the doors and exited quickly from her own ready room, taking her position on the bridge. Her hands visibly shaking as she sat down and barked her orders to Tom to maintain course and slow to impulse.

As the doors slid closed behind her exiting form, Chakotay looked down at his trembling hands, his whole body shuddering with rage and remorse. He turned towards the desk and slammed his fists down on it with such force that the PADDs that had been neatly stacked on the far end of it flew to the floor.

Those members of the crew on the bridge, couldn't help but hear the sound of rage that emanated through the closed doors of the Captain's ready room. But no one noticed the closed eyes of their Captain as a single tear fell from her cheek. *Gods…Chakotay…why? No secrets…remember…we agreed…didn't we? I loved you….*

********

"Listen to me Kathryn...please." His voice was fraught with emotion.

She turned to face him, her eyes cold and clear, her face illuminated by the yellow hue of the Holodeck, which was serving as neutral ground between them. The last few days had been a blur, and finally he had asked, not ordered, to see her. The last several days had been difficult on him. Perhaps too difficult. They had barely spoken since their confrontation in her ready room, and it was apparent, at least to her, that he had taken this entire ordeal hard. For a brief moment she regretted having read that damned encrypted file, and furthermore regretted her announcement on this very Holodeck not more than a week before. But he had betrayed her…he had lied to her. From the very beginning, deceit had been the cornerstone of the foundation on which they had built their relationship. And still, there were no apologies.… She felt her anger well inside her eyes as she stared at him. But there was something in his voice…something written on his face as he spoke that she had not seen before…. Regret.

Chakotay's voice cut through the silence between them. "I want you to listen to me....really listen. I am not asking for your forgiveness, or acceptance or…" For the first time his voice faltered. "…or your love." His eyes were no longer barren of emotion. They were filled with regret. Regret for decisions made on behalf of Starfleet…for the good of Starfleet. He fought the urge to vomit. His emotions were strained to the breaking point. He wondered if Kathryn could tell just how broken he had become as a prisoner of his own emotions. Over the last few days, he had become a prisoner of his own making, locked away in a dark empty prison filled with regret, remorse, anger, hatred, and love. And there was no hope of parole….

He had avoided joining her on the bridge. Choosing instead to keep to himself. The tension between them when they were in each other's presence was beginning to affect the already emotionally strained crew. He had tried to remind himself that had been the very reason why she had held him at arm's length for so long. And yet, they had both succumbed to their emotions. Emotions which would have been sorely frowned upon by the one thing they both believed in with all their heart…Starfleet.

He lowered his eyes, gathering his nerve before gazing deep into those blue eyes that had held his heart prisoner for close to five years. "I'm not going to give you a synopsis of my history with Starfleet, the Maquis, or my involvement in Covert Operations. You've read it all. You know what I was. What I am. A Special Forces agent. Leader of Starfleet's infamous Counter Revolutionary and Counter Terrorism Units. A commando…a spy. Everything you despise. But I want to tell you why I did what I thought I had to do."

His eyes reflected his heart as he gazed at her. He was searching desperately for the right words. Once again, his voice cracked as memories flooded to the surface. "The early days in this quadrant were difficult enough as it were. Do you really think that I could have marched into your ready room and relieved you of command? 'Attention all hands, this is Admiral, yes I repeat, Admiral Chakotay.' Had I done that we would all have been dead long ago. So I said nothing, and ordered Tuvok to do the same. " He was trying to keep his emotions in check. He wanted nothing more than take her in his arms and plead with her to forgive him…to turn back the clock and make everything all right between them once more. He turned away from her. He felt his emotions overtaking him and needed to turn away from the eyes that would send him over the edge.

Kathryn stood rigid. Every ounce of energy straining to keep her emotions at bay. She gazed at him through eyes that were welling with tears. She wanted to remain impassive. Barren of emotion. Silent. She fought the urge to reach out and place her hand on his shoulder. She could see it sag under the weight of his admonition to her. His voice became still. The silence became deafening.

The rift of silence growing larger, he turned slowly back to face her. He continued, his voice barely above a whisper. "I don't expect you to accept what I am. I just want you to try and understand. You've always thought that I was a Maquis terrorist, a renegade, but in fact I was a Starfleet spy... a hired gun sent in to act as a Maquis in order to destroy them. Destroy them for the sake of the Federation." His voice seemed to crack at the sound of those words. "Oh sure, I came to believe in the causes that the Maquis were fighting for, and for a brief time I fought for those same causes. But you know what? Even as a Maquis, believing in their fight, I was Starfleet to the core. I was leading a dual life. Starfleet, the Maquis…I embraced them both, but I needed something more. I needed a way out. So I tried to embrace the beliefs of my ancestors, the traditions of my father…. But the truth is…I was too involved, too deep into the lies and betrayal to get out. And when it came right down to it, quite honestly…I didn't want to get out. I enjoyed the game too much. The challenge. The victory. It was all just a game to me. A game of lies, deceit, corruption…betrayal. All in the name of Starfleet and the Federation. I thought it would be all right when we were thrust into the Delta Quadrant. No-one need know. I could finally bury my past. Be the person you believed me to be. But I hadn't banked on Seska...coming back to exact her revenge…or on her ability to locate the information contained in the personnel files."

He caught the look of surprise on Kathryn's face. And he laughed slightly. "Oh yes…you can thank Seska for your findings in my personnel file…it took Tuvok weeks to encrypt those files after she located them. After her death, we thought they were safe, but we didn't bank on that damned spatial anomaly wrecking havoc with the internal systems, much less the database files. And he misjudged your investigative abilities…your persistence…and your memory." He swallowed at the thought that the one code that had broken the encryption, was the same code that had been linked to Justin Tighe and her father. "He's been your friend for years, but he misjudged you…I misjudged you.... I fell in love with you.... And I still love you."

Kathryn inhaled deeply. She bit her lower lip, fighting the words that were threatening to spill forth as he revealed his emotions. Even now, with so many ill feelings between them, she couldn't help but melt slightly as she gazed into those ebony eyes, blackened with regret. Their eyes briefly flickered with emotion as they looked at each other. He was baring his soul to her in a desperate effort to make her understand, but she couldn't. He had lied to her. He had kept his past a secret from her. She remembered their agreement, the playful discussion in her ready room not more than two weeks ago…*we agreed no secrets between us… remember?* Her thoughts were broken by a strange sound.

Somewhere in the darkness someone started clapping. They both turned towards the darkened figure silhouetted against the bulkhead.

"Very good Chakotay...very touching. It brings a tear to my eye. But then you were always good at acting…."

"B'Elanna, what the hell are you doing here?" Chakotay's question was answered as she lifted her phaser and aimed. He instinctively pushed Kathryn aside, causing her to fall to the deck.

"Exacting revenge Admiral." The blast hit the deck behind his head, but he didn't flinch.

"Feel better?" He asked.

She responded by firing again, this time to his left. Chakotay didn't budge. His eyes were locked on B'Elanna's.

Kathryn bolted towards her. Emotions put back in check by the first blast of the phaser, her command façade taking over, she yelled at B'Elanna. "Lieutenant! Put down the phaser...NOW!!"

B'Elanna turned to face Kathryn, anger flowing through her. "But he should be made to pay for what he has done!" She turned towards him. Hate and rage vividly displayed in her eyes. "Was it all a lie Chakotay? Was it a lie when I held you in my arms as you cried your father's name? Was it a lie when I offered you everything I had? Was that part of the game? Silly little Klingon girl. Show her some attention, make her think that she's special…pretend to care for her." She was sobbing her rage now. "I LOVED YOU!! I used to go to sleep at night and imagine that were my father! I would have done anything for you, you bastard." She raised the weapon again.

"B'Elanna! No!" Kathryn lunged at her as the doors slid open and Tom's arms grabbed B'Elanna from behind, yanking her to the ground.

Tom's eyes were filled with tears as he pried the phaser from her grip. "Don't...B'Elanna...please don't." His gentle voice seemed to calm the half-Klingon as he held her, cradling her in his arms. He whispered into her ear. "Listen to me B'Elanna. I know you're hurting, we all are. But please…don't do this. Please. I love you too much to lose you now." She was crying again. Talking incoherently. His gaze shifted to Chakotay. His eyes flashed the anger behind them. "You'll pay for this…I swear you'll pay…"

Kathryn looked up at Chakotay quickly and then back to Tom. Her emotions were torn. She was reeling from Chakotay's words only moments before, and now shocked by the actions of B'Elanna and the anger displayed by Tom. Her words were caught in her throat as she placed her hand on Tom's arm stopping him from saying anything further. "Tom…You don't know what you're saying."

Tom pulled his hand away from her vehemently and stood to face the man responsible for his anger and rage. "Do you have any idea how badly you have hurt her? Hurt the Captain? Hell! The whole damned crew?"

Chakotay looked at him through empty eyes. He picked up the phaser, pushed the setting to kill, and handed it to him. "Here…why don't you finish what B'Elanna started. It's what you've been wanting to do for years, isn't it?" They stood there, glaring at each other. "Well…what are you waiting for Paris? Go ahead…pull the trigger. It would save everyone a lot of hurt and pain."

Tom looked down at the phaser and placed his index finger on the trigger.

Kathryn glared up at him. "Lieutenant!"

Chakotay raised his hand to silence her. "Well…I'm waiting…Or would you prefer I turn my back?"

Tom tightened his grip on the phaser. His rage was consuming him, but his concern for B'Elanna and the Captain was too great. He wouldn't want them to witness the death of the man they had loved and cherished, and who had betrayed them both, mercilessly. And he didn't want to give Chakotay the satisfaction of knowing he had gotten the better of him. He raised his eyes and glared back at Chakotay before throwing the phaser across the Holodeck, clenching his fists in a rage. "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction! You don't deserve to die swiftly. Your death needs to be slow and deliberate…painful. You need to know pain, Chakotay. You need to know the level of pain you've caused them," he tilted his head towards B'Elanna and Kathryn, "and the other members of this crew. No…your death needs to be filled with remorse for all of the lies you've told." Tom's eyes had welled with tears. The man that stood before him had become a respected friend and in many ways had filled the gap left open by his on father Admiral Owen Paris. "You need to remember the pain…and realize the hate. Hate that people who cared about you and who loved you, now feel." Silence. Tom glowered at Chakotay as the tears broke free and ran down his cheeks. "And I hate you! You damned Son of a Bitch!!"

Neither one of them moved. Instead their eyes were locked on each other's. Tom's emotions were visibly displayed, and Chakotay's were well hidden. It was several moments before Tom turned away from him and knelt back down next to B'Elanna and Kathryn. Chakotay sighed heavily and walked by them, stopping to gaze at the back of Tom's head. "If it's any consolation, one fact remains constant throughout all of this. No matter how much you hate me Tom, I hate myself more." His words were left hanging in the silence of the Holodeck as the doors closed behind him, leaving Tom and Kathryn cradling B'Elanna's shuddering form in their arms.

********

Harry was aware that he was humming that song again, but he simply couldn't help it. It reminded him of a time when life on Voyager was good. When being stranded sixty thousand light years from home didn't seem so bad…. When Voyager herself seemed like home.... When everyone was a family…. But it didn't feel like that anymore. Now, the close knit little family stranded in the Delta Quadrant was nothing more than a dysfunctional work group.

Harry had silently observed the disintegration of the ship over the last few days. He was still reeling from the Captain's announcement on the Holodeck. He was at first too young and too naive to really understand what the implications would be. To him it felt as if his parents had had a huge fight. And whilst he recognized the pain that Chakotay's duplicity had caused, he was unable to move beyond the fact that Chakotay was a member of Starfleet's elite commando units…Teams as they were affectionately called. Skilled artisans of their trade…. Heroes under the guise of Covert Operations.

One thing about Starfleet…It prided itself on only taking the best, and to get onto the "Teams" you had to be the best of the best.....and Chakotay was an Admiral to boot. Shit!...Chakotay was everything that Harry longed to be but wasn't and he couldn't understand why the others didn't see this. Chakotay was a hero...just like the heroes that he had played with as a child on the holodeck back home…a real life hero and Chakotay was his commanding officer. It just couldn't get any better than that.But no one else seemed to view it that way, and as a result the tension on the ship was almost unbearable. Harry frowned as more questions flooded his mind. What exactly was the protocol when you discover that the first officer is actually an Admiral? To be honest, he didn't care. So what if Chakotay wasn't a Maquis rebel really…he was Starfleet…and that mattered to Harry. Why couldn't people see this as a good thing? Didn't it mean that the Captain and Chakotay could finally get together? No one was going to argue with an Admiral were they?

But apparently they were. B'Elanna was refusing to speak with Chakotay. The Captain was barely talking to him, and then only when protocol demanded it. And Tom…well Tom was sullen to the point of insolence. And himself, well he was too star struck to do anything but grin inanely, and that seemed to upset Tom even more. As a result, the close friendship they had shared over the years was strained to the breaking point. And the Admiral…hell…he was keeping a low profile, holed up in his quarters, occasionally allowing Tuvok in for late night conferences, but as the days had progressed, he had been rarely seen on the bridge, and the tension only seemed to mount. Captain Janeway had even taken to staying in her ready room for the better part of her shift. She had grown quiet, distant…sullen.

Harry sighed. His family had fallen apart because of something that he couldn't understand. And no matter how hard he tried to comprehend the events of the past several days, he always found himself on the side of the enemy. Chakotay's side.

He was almost glad that the cascade failures continued to plague the ship. At least it meant that he could escape the tensions of the bridge. And so… as a result, he was buried under a console in Sickbay, humming the song that Tom had taught him, trying desperately to retrieve the Doctor's programming that had been swallowed earlier in the day. His shift had ended some time before, but as he had no particular place to go he had stayed on in an attempt to fix things. Six unsuccessful hours passed, and he was no nearer retrieving the Holodoc than he had been when he started.

********

He felt awful. He ached everywhere, some of the pain was physical, some not. He couldn't eat, couldn't sleep…even his spirit guide eluded him. Part of him felt that his pain was deserved. The price he paid for destroying what had been so carefully created on Voyager. The family he had grown to love and protect.

The past several days had been hard…painfully hard. Sometimes, usually at night when he was alone in his quarters the pain would assault him again and become unbearable. That was when he fought the urge to run to Kathryn and tell her the truth, to seek comfort in her embrace and let her take away his pain. But he couldn't, wouldn't do that…the risks were high enough already.

He had finally accepted that the pain in his head was not going to go away without medication, and so he had given in and was going to allow the Doctor to prescribe something, anything to dispel the pain and make him forget. Forget that he had lost his life, his heart, his soul. *You played the game Chakotay*, he chided himself, *you knew the risks…and now you've lost. You cannot have her anymore. Keeping her safe will have to be enough.*

As he slowly made his way to sickbay the damage he had caused the ship was all too apparent. Voices were low, no one smiled, eyes were lowered. He was acknowledged, curtly. *You are the architect of your own fate Chakotay.* Not for the first time he wished that things were not as they were, he wanted to turn back time and do it all over again…differently.

********

He was not prepared to find Harry buried beneath the console, singing a song he had not heard since his days at the Academy. The memories stirred by the song made him smile for the first time in days."It's good to know that some of the Academy's finest traditions are being kept alive."

Harry's reply was stifled by the sound of his head hitting the console in an attempt to quickly rise to his feet. "Sir...Admiral....I'm sorry. I didn't hear you come in. What can I do for you sir?" As he asked the question he stood to attention. He was addressing an Admiral after all.

"Relax Harry. I know this is a difficult time for us all, but please remember that I am the same person. You shouldn't treat me any differently because of recent events."

Harry stared in disbelief. In his eyes Chakotay was more than the person that he had been. Harry's admiration had elevated him to hero status. "But Sir… you're not. You're an Admiral. You're in Covert Operations. Don't you see that that makes you special? When I joined the Academy I wanted to join the Counter Terrorism Unit. I got as far as asking my tutor about it. He laughed at me. He said that you didn't get to pick the CTU, it picked you. He told me if I had to ask about joining that made me the sort of person that they wouldn't want. Don't you see that you must be special to get where you are. You're at the top of the Starfleet pyramid. Things don't get better than that, do they?"

Chakotay was torn between wanting to cry and wanting to embrace Harry for the warmth that he was showing him. He had known for sometime that Harry had elevated both himself and Kathryn onto pedestals. A sort of hero-worship. They each had been flattered. They had even joked about it with him, but now he realized that there was sincerity, simplicity, behind Harry's words. He silently wished the rest of the crew could be as easily convinced of his worth. "Harry...things aren't always as clear as you think they are. I used to think that there was a glory to being in C.O., leading the CRU and CTU, being a member of the teams. I was seduced by the glamour, the mystery. It took me along time to realize that we were little more than hired guns. Thugs wearing the Starfleet uniform. If I could have that time again…I would do it differently. Look at you for instance. Top of your class at the Academy...that to me is success. That's impressive. You are in a very select group. Kirk, Spock, Picard, Janeway....they were the valedictorians of their year. And you have performed splendidly out here. The Captain will be recommending you for promotion soon. But you've done it without lying to people, without deceit, without subterfuge. You have made a life for yourself within this group, friends…romance even. Don't throw that away on misguided loyalty to me. Keep true to your allegiance with Janeway. She'll get you home."

"But Sir…Allegiance to you and the Captain.... Isn't that the same thing? You make it sound as if it's mutually exclusive."

Chakotay was surprised by Harry's choice of words. For being so young, Harry was wise beyond his years. Had he been approaching things from the wrong angle? Did he need to bring Kathryn in on the loop? Even if only because others would assume she knew. The thought wound around him like a vice. Was he placing her at greater risk by not telling her? Why had it taken a young Ensign to make him consider this? Suddenly a pain shot through his temples and he grabbed the console for support.

Harry grabbed his arm to steady him. "Sir, are you all right? You look awfully pale."

Harry's inquiry returned his thoughts to the present. "I'm fine Harry. Just another damned headache. A migraine. I've had several these past few days. I came looking for the Doc. Is he out on a house call?" His voice tried to dispel the tension and lighten the mood.

Harry sighed and began his story of frustration. As Chakotay listened to Harry's detailed explanation regarding the Doctor's predicament, he was struck by how much he had missed this simple interaction…so simple, so meaningful. Oh well, if he couldn't get a headache remedy, he might as well stay and offer Harry some assistance. Maybe it would take his mind off the pain wracking his body.They spent the next several hours alternately cursing the software, and fighting a loosing battle to retrieve the Doctor.

Chakotay pulled himself up from beneath the console and placed his hand on the back of his neck, attempting to rub the pain away. "Harry, you look exhausted. I'm going to head to Jefferies Tube 37. Maybe I can trace the source of the contamination from there. Take a break, and get something to eat. Meet me back here in two hours."

"But Sir…you're just as tired as I am..."

"Harry, remember your speech from earlier? Since I wear the ridiculous uniform, you do as I say. It's a tradition. Lower ranking officer obeys command of higher-ranking officer. Simple, but effective. Besides, doing something positive for the ship is making me feel better, clearing my head.... Come on, I'll walk with you as far as the mess hall."

"Aye, aye sir…" Harry was rewarded with a warm smile from his hero as they exited Sickbay.

********

As they walked, Harry started to hum that song again, and glanced quickly over at Chakotay.

Chakotay stopped and looked at him with a smug grin on his face. His lips twisted and his eyes flashed a mischievous spark. "It's just a jump to the left…"

Harry beamed. "And then a step to the right…"

"Put your hands on your hips…" Chakotay countered.

"And bring your knees in tight…" Harry chimed.

They laughed together. "But it's the pelvic thrust…that really drives you insane…."

If anyone had witnessed the ship's highest ad least senior bridge officers dancing threw the corridors singing the Timewarp they might have thought they looked faintly ridiculous. But for Chakotay, it didn't matter…for a brief moment, for the first time in days…he was in a timewarp filled with happiness and no regrets.

********

B'Elanna stood with her hands behind her back. Her eyes gazing steadily at the wall behind the Captain's desk. After extending the 36 hours to 48, the Doctor had finally returned her to active duty that morning, and now she found herself face to face with her captain in her ready room, wondering if Harry had made any progress on the Doctor's program. He'd gone off-line shortly after he'd returned her to duty. She was seething from the realization that Chakotay had betrayed her, and frustrated from the extended period of forced rest and relaxation the Doctor had imposed, particularly after her last outburst. But now she was reeling from the words spilling forth from her Captain's mouth. Her anger held in check by the simple fact that she still loved and respected at least one of her superior officers. Captain Janeway had been berating her for close to fifteen minutes. *Shit…what a way to start my shift…*

Kathryn's voice was low and determined. "Damn it B'Elanna! Do you realize what kind of position you've put me in?! Both on a professional and personal level?"

B'Elanna barely answered. "Yes Captain."

"Do you have any idea how difficult this is for me? By all rights, I should strip you of your commission and have you thrown into the brig for the remainder of our journey! But I can't throw you in the brig, I need you as Chief Engineer. Yet that stunt you pulled on the Holodeck was inexcusable and unforgivable!"

B'Elanna could only stare at her. "Unforgivable? Unforgivable! I should've killed him where he stood for what he's done to me…to you!"

"Torres that's enough!" Kathryn's hands flew up in disgust. "You hold your tongue Lieutenant! I know you're upset. Hell! We're all upset! But trying to kill Chak…the Admiral…was stupid and foolish!"

B'Elanna glared at her. "You're just jealous you didn't try it yourself."

Kathryn turned on her. Her own inner emotions of rage and hate visibly displayed on her face despite her attempts to hide them. She suddenly felt like she was gazing at herself in a mirror. B'Elanna could not mask her emotions. A curse of being half-Klingon. Kathryn felt her blood boil at the words B'Elanna spoke. B'Elanna was right…she was jealous that she herself hadn't tried to kill the man who had betrayed her trust, her love…her heart. *I hope you burn in Hell Chakotay…* Her voice turned cold, and she stiffened her shoulders, replacing her emotions with her Captain's façade. "That's enough Lieutenant. You will keep your personal thoughts to yourself with regard to the Admiral…Is that understood?"

B'Elanna clenched her teeth as well as her fists. "Understood…Captain… But what about your thoughts? Don't you want to see him dead for the hurt and pain he's caused you?"

Kathryn sighed, her anger at the young Lieutenant raging out of control. She had to keep her cool. She spoke the word before she knew it. "Perhaps…" She closed her eyes as she checked herself, in her mind she may have wanted him dead but she knew her heart didn't. "No. No I don't. Look B'Elanna…. Please…. Don't make this any more difficult than it already is. I know you're hurting…" Kathryn felt the tears stinging her eyes. "I'm hurting…. But the fact remains… Chakotay is an Admiral in Starfleet. And despite our personal feelings and differences, he is the highest ranking commanding officer on board Voyager, and whether we like it or not, deserving of our respect."

B'Elanna looked at her with a bewildered look at Kathryn's choice of words. "I have no respect for anyone that betrays my trust and friendship."

"I'm not telling you to respect him as a person, B'Elanna. I'm telling you to respect him for the rank he holds as an Admiral of Starfleet and the Federation." The words seemed hollow and she knew it. But it was the only thing she could think of…a standard Starfleet lecture on respecting the rank of a superior officer. It was the only ammunition she had left.

"Then we have a problem Captain."

Kathryn's eyes narrowed. "Problem, Lieutenant?"

"Problem Captain. We're in the Delta Quadrant. There is no Starfleet. Therefore, I'm not obligated to abide by that dictate. Perhaps in the Alpha Quadrant I'd be obliged to respect my superior officers because of their rank. But here in the Delta Quadrant, respect has to be earned…."

Their eyes locked. B'Elanna's words cut Kathryn to the core. B'Elanna was right. Respect had to be earned…and the fact that Chakotay had lied to them both, to the whole crew, had lost him whatever respect they had for him. But she was still Captain…Still an officer of Starfleet. And still obligated to uphold its regulations and protocol, no matter what her personal feelings were. Like it or not, she had to defend Chakotay against any and all verbal attacks such as this one. It was her duty as Captain. It was her duty as a Starfleet Officer. It was her duty to her superior officer. She couldn't help but hiss her dismissal, she suddenly loathed Starfleet and everything it stood for. "Dismissed Lieutenant. Resume your post."

As the doors slid closed behind B'Elanna's exiting form, Kathryn closed her eyes and sighed heavily. Her heart was heavy with regret. B'Elanna wanted Chakotay dead, Tom wanted him to die a slow painful death, and herself…she wanted him to burn in Hell for betraying her love. *Damn you Chakotay…*

********

Harry woke with a start. He had only meant to close his eyes for 5 minutes, but that was over two and a half hours ago. *Shit…Why the hell hasn't the Admiral called me? Oh yeah, the comm links are still down.*

"Shit…He's gonna bust me for sure." He hurried to the Sickbay. Surely the Admiral had finished in the Jefferies tube by now.

The doors to Sickbay slid open. "Sorry I'm late sir…I must have dozed off…. Admiral? Admiral Chakotay…" Silence greeted him, and he was suddenly gripped with a feeling of dread as he remembered how pale Chakotay had been earlier. He ran towards Tube 37 and called out Chakotay's name. No reply.

He launched into the tube.... "Admiral...." His voice caught in his throat and he froze as he gazed down the shaft. Chakotay was face down on a staging platform 10 meters below. Harry hit his comm badge, a reflex action, but he suddenly realized no one would respond. He struggled to keep his fear in check as he raced down the ladder towards Chakotay's still form. His panic grew as he neared the platform. "Concentrate Harry…Concentrate…." he urged himself on. When he reached the platform he knelt down quickly and reached a hand out to check Chakotay's pulse, gently calling his name. "Chakotay…?"

He pulled his hand back. Chakotay's skin was cold. His face ashen. He was in deep shock. His breathing was shallow, labored. A pool of blood had collected under his head. Harry's heart skipped a beat. Harry quickly glanced around him. His medical knowledge was limited, but he could see that Chakotay was gravely injured and he had to get him out and fast. "Think, Harry, think…." He couldn't carry him out. The comm links were down, the transporters were still off-line, and the Doc's program was still in limbo… There was only one way.... he had to reach help…a medlev team…Tom…. He needed to get to the Bridge…and fast….

Removing his jacket he carefully placed it over Chakotay. "I'll be back soon. Please hang on Admiral…" Suddenly, rank didn't matter. Harry fought the tears stinging his eyes. "Please Chakotay…. For God's sake, please hang on.…"

He began the long climb, wishing he had never taken leave of the Admiral earlier. Wishing he could turn back time…. Wishing he could silent the words of that song as they rose unbidden to his mind. "Shit…not now."

********

By the time the doors of the turbolift opened onto the bridge, Harry was pale and out of breath. He stumbled out of the lift. "Captain! Tuvok! Help!"

Tuvok grabbed him as he fell forward. Kathryn instantly rose from her chair, reaching the upper level in two strides. "Harry…My God…what's happened?" She placed a calming hand on the young ensign's shoulder.

Harry struggled to breathe. "It's the Admiral…Chakotay…He's been injured…"

B'Elanna glanced up from the Engineering console, as Tom spun around in his chair. Her eyes caught his and for a moment she thought she saw a faint smile cross his lips. *Spirit of Kahless…No…* She pushed the thought from her mind. Surely Tom wasn't responsible…He couldn't…He wouldn't do that… She felt her heart skip a beat as a gasp escaped her lips.

Tom looked at her and then glanced quickly at the Captain. Her face had paled. Instinctively, he rose and stood next to her right side, protectively. "How bad? Where?"

Harry looked at him, his voice pleading with him. "Bottom of Jefferies Tube 37…Tom…you have to help him…The Doc's program is still down…and it's bad…."

Kathryn's voice caught in her throat. "How bad?" She shook him. "Harry? How bad?!"

"I'm not really sure. I think internal bleeding…he's breathing is really shallow, and he's got a skull fracture Captain. I was going to try and initialize an emergency transport but I think he needs to be stabilized first." His eyes locked on Tom's.

B'Elanna approached her left. "Captain…the transporters are still off-line. Emergency transport is impossible."

Kathryn turned on her. Her voice suddenly thick with emotion. "Then what do you suggest Lieutenant?!"

B'Elanna's voice didn't waver. She spoke coldly, refusing to bare any emotion. "He'll have to be carried out."

Tuvok started to step towards the turbolift. His instincts of protection taking over.

Kathryn's heart stopped. She quickly glanced at Tuvok. Despite his connections and loyalty to Chakotay, she needed him on the bridge. "Tuvok! You have the bridge!"

Tuvok silently acknowledged her order. His thoughts were concentrated on his superior officer lying at the bottom of a Jefferies Tube…gravely injured…and perhaps dying.

Kathryn's eyes locked on Tuvok's and she nodded swiftly. She placed a hand on his arm, silently willing him to understand that she knew he wanted to join the rescue, but that she needed his countenance on the bridge. "I'll notify you immediately Commander." She took a step forward and shouted to Paris. "Come on Tom!"

Tom froze. His face barren. The look didn't escape Harry and he glanced at Tom pleadingly. *Please Tom…. You're the only one that can help him….*

She turned back to face Tom. Ill feelings or not, Chakotay was still a member of this crew, and she wouldn't let personal differences interfere or jeopardize his safety. She was still reeling from her reprimand of B'Elanna only three hours earlier. "Lieutenant Paris! Let's go!"

Tom started, her voice bolting him back to reality. "On my way Captain…Come on Harry…I'm gonna need your help…" Harry nodded, faintly smiling his thanks as Tom placed his hand on his shoulder and squeezed it. He forced a faint smile from his lips for Harry's benefit. "Don't worry Harry…superheroes don't die…."

B'Elanna started to enter the lift and Kathryn turned on her. "Where are you going Lieutenant?" She couldn't stop the next words that spilled forth. "To gloat?"

B'Elanna's eyes locked on the Captain's. To her credit she didn't falter, instead she stood her ground and gazed at Tom, her heart questioning him silently. His face was barren of any emotion, any regret. Her mind raced back to the words he had spoken to Chakotay on the Holodeck…and to her own actions of trying to kill him. Her heart fell. Why was Tom so complacent now? Her eyes shifted to the Captain. She twisted her mouth. "No Ma'am. It's just… Well…a couple of hours ago you lectured me on respect. I know my actions on the Holodeck cost me yours…Please…Give me a chance to earn it back. If Chak…the Admiral is seriously hurt, he'll have to be immobilized while he's moved to the anti-grav cart. Trouble is…" she glanced at Harry, "if he is at the bottom of Jefferies Tube 37, the closest entrance is three meters above the staging platform…"

Kathryn studied her carefully, something in B'Elanna's face worried her. "Meaning what Lieutenant?"

B'Elanna inhaled deeply. "Meaning it will take all four of us to keep him immobilized long enough to get him on that cart."

Kathryn's eyes searched B'Elanna's for any hidden agendas but there were none. B'Elanna was as concerned about Chakotay as she was. She nodded slowly. "All right…Let's go…" As the doors to the turbolift closed, she couldn't help but notice that Tuvok looked unusually worried for a Vulcan. And his eyes seemed to glaze over with concern. *We'll get him out Tuvok…I promise my old friend…I promise….*

********

Kathryn knelt next to Chakotay, placing her hand on his cheek. Tom quickly scanned his vitals with the Tricorder and a worried look crossed his face as the readings displayed. The bleeding had stopped, and Chakotay's color was ashen. He slowly looked up at the Captain, his face betraying him. For one brief moment the thought of Chakotay dying amused him. "Captain…He's in shock…I'm not sure…I mean…"

Kathryn looked up at him. Her eyes flashed as she read the look on his face. "Paris…don't you dare think about that. You have to try… Put your personal feelings aside…"

Tom felt himself sicken suddenly, hardly believing he could be so monstrous as to wish Chakotay dead. "Captain…It's not that…." Tom struggled to find the words. The readings didn't lie…Chakotay was dying…and it wasn't because he didn't want to help him, he suddenly realized that he couldn't…. His eyes shifted to B'Elanna and Harry. He shook his head slightly. "He's dying and I don't know enough…."

She raised her hand to stop him. "I don't want to hear it Tom…. With the Doctor's program off-line, you're the best chance he's got…." Her eyes welled. She placed her hand on his arm and gazed into his eyes. "Please Tom…If not for him…for me…for B'Elanna…" She tilted her head towards the two figures standing solemnly only a few feet away. Kathryn couldn't help but notice the concern on B'Elanna's face as she shifted uncomfortably, unable to control the tears welling in her eyes. Kathryn felt her lower lip quiver and slowly nodded to B'Elanna, their eyes expressing their innermost feelings for the man dying in a pool of his own blood…. Tom raised his eyes and looked at Harry then lingered on B'Elanna for several moments. Their eyes locked and B'Elanna's silently begged him to try…. He turned his attention back to Kathryn, swallowed hard and nodded. "I'll do what I can Captain…" He glanced at his chronometer, they had already wasted precious time getting down the Jefferies tube, and by the readings being displayed on the Tricorder, they didn't have much time. Tom's face paled. He didn't have the luxury of trying to stabilize Chakotay before moving him. He had to be moved to Sickbay, and quickly, if Tom was going to have a snowball's chance in Hell of saving him. His voice cracked with fear. "Come on… Let's get him out of here…"

********

The climb up the Jefferies Tube ladder had only been just over 10 feet, but it could easily have been a hundred feet. By the time they had reached the anti-grav cart Chakotay's condition had only worsened. His pulse was practically non-existent and a small trickle of blood flowed from the corner of his mouth.

The anti-grav cart cushioned the movement as they moved swiftly through the corridors towards Sickbay, but Tom couldn't help but wish that they had been able to rig a site to site transport. *Damn it…why the hell couldn't the transporters be on-line… I don't need this….* Tom had taken position by Chakotay's head and shoulders, and now looked down at his commanding officer with a look of dread on his face. The color of the blood was dark…too dark…it meant only one thing. Chakotay was bleeding internally, and his vital organs were being deprived of oxygen. With his breathing as shallow and labored as it was, no doubt Harry had been right…Chakotay had a punctured lung. His thoughts were running rampant. Searching for the knowledge that the Doctor had taught him, and praying for the ability to put it to use.

********

As they gently laid Chakotay's body on the bio-bed, Tom quickly hooked up the sensors to monitor Chakotay's life signs. His face was grim as he worked. The initial scans weren't good. The fall down 30 plus feet had done more than enough damage. He couldn't help but wonder why Chakotay hadn't been able to at least try and break his fall. *Unless he wasn't able to do so…* He quickly glanced over at B'Elanna, and instantly pushed the thought from his mind. *No way in Hell…*

B'Elanna hovered close to the Captain. She could tell that her commanding officer was beginning to reel from the effects of seeing Chakotay so helpless. Her heart went out to Kathryn. *Oh Captain…I'm so sorry…If only things were different. If only he hadn't lied about everything…* She slowly placed a hand on Kathryn's shoulder.

Harry stood away from the bed, his eyes fixed on the ashen face of his hero. Tom's words were ringing in his ears. *don't worry Harry…superheroes don't die…* He felt the tears stinging as he gazed at the sensors, monitoring Chakotay's vitals. Tom had been wrong. His superhero was dying. Dying right before his eyes, and he never got the chance to tell him how much he cared for him.

As the scans displayed Tom's worst fears, he now wished that he had spent more time with the Doc, instead of on the Holodeck. The little amount of training he'd had taught him one thing. Chakotay's injuries were extensive and life threatening. He administered a hypospray and slowly looked up at the Captain who was standing on the other side of the bio-bed. His voice cracked as he gazed into her eyes. *Despite everything he's done to her…She still loves him…* He swallowed hard, as he struggled for the words. "Captain…The Admiral… Chakotay…He's condition is critical."

She looked up at him through tears in her eyes. "Do what you can Tom…Please…"

Tom sighed and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Captain…you have to understand…without the Doc…I don't know everything…I mean I might….I might cause him more harm. I just don't know enough." He watched as her face paled again, her gaze lowering in resignation. He squeezed her shoulder, bidding her to look at him. "I'll do everything I can…I promise…."

She could only nod her response, the words caught in her throat as she turned her attention back to Chakotay. She gazed down at him as tears fell from her cheeks. His injuries were extensive... He was so pale…so silent. Only the hum of the sensors permeated the silence of Sickbay, and the silence between them….

She gripped the side of the bio-bed, silently cursing the anomaly that had shattered her world and brought them to this state of silence. They hadn't spoken civilly to each other for over a week…and now…she pushed the thought from her mind. She wouldn't entertain the thought that they'd never speak again. She slowly became aware of Chakotay's hand on her arm. She bit her lower lip to keep from crying but her eyes betrayed her emotions and she knew it. The tears were falling freely. She studied him. He was trying to say something to her, and she bent her head to listen, gently placing her hand on his chest. "Sshh Chakotay…rest…"

He shook his head, gripping her arm. His voice was barely above a whisper. His eyes searched hers, baring emotions that he could not speak. A jolt of pain coursed through his body and he grimaced. He fought the effects of the spasm as Tom grabbed a hypospray and placed it against his neck.

Tom quickly glanced at the scanners and frowned. "Captain… I've got to get him stabilized."

Chakotay clenched her arm in desperation, his eyes pleading with her. She could barely hear him. His voice cracked with pain. "No…Please…Must tell you…"

Kathryn's voice strained at the sight of him. Her heart breaking, she pressed her hand against his chest to still his words, to calm the pain he was feeling. "Please Chakotay…not now…You need to rest."

He clenched his jaw as the pain continued to course through his body, the hypospray doing little more than dulling the edge. Tears streaked down his face as his gaze locked on hers. The words causing him great anguish as he tried to speak. "Be careful Kathryn… Trust no-one…."

Another spasm of pain, his body convulsed, his eyes closed, and his breathing suddenly stilled as the sensors went off and the whine of the flat line permeated the silence around them….

****To Be Continued…in Disclosures****