DISCLAIMER: We've all heard it, read it and can recite it in our sleep…the Almighty Paramount and Viacom own the universe and all things Star Trek. No copyright infringement is intended.
Greetings, reader number
DISCLAIMER: We've all heard it, read it and can recite it in our sleep…the Almighty Paramount and Viacom own the universe and all things Star Trek. No copyright infringement is intended. ! Thanks for your interest!
RATING: PG-13
AUTHOR'S DEDICATIONS Renegade's notes – OK…so it took longer than Allegiances…real life got in the way. I know…I know…never let real life interfere with Star Trek Voyager…My apologies, I won't let it happen again.
Once again, many thanks to our editor-in-chief, Jules aka Rab, and our barometer, Ghostwriter. Ladies, you're wonderful to put up with us constantly changing our minds…
And my heartiest gratitude to my co-hort in crime, Siobhan, who puts up with me, despite her better judgement…(?) Love ya!
Special note to a special friend, you know who you are…many thanks, my friend, for becoming part of my life, and for being there.
Siobhan's notes – For Megan. Welcome to my world.
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DISCLOSURES
By Renegade and Siobhan
August 1998
*********
She had to remind herself to breathe. The silence was overwhelming, the noise of the flat line assaulted her senses. It was not meant to be this way. She would not let it end like this. She still had so much she wanted to say to him…so much to tell him…. And she was still angry with him. She had to…needed to… resolve that, if nothing else.
Sheer panic suddenly overcame Tom as he stared down at Chakotay's body. He was frozen. Rooted, immobile to the floor next to the bio-bed.
Precious seconds were being wasted. Everything that Chakotay was, everything he could be, was evaporating in that moment of terror. Kathryn knew what she had to do. Despite everything he was still a human being…still a member of this crew…and at one time, had been her friend…her lover…. She owed him a chance. If nothing else, she at least owed him a chance to live. Calming herself, she let the captain's facade take over.
"Report!" She barked. Tom stared at her, unable to respond. "Lieutenant!! Respond now!" His face was blank, barren…emotionless. She felt her desperation come to the surface. "Think Tom! Use what you've learned… Use the emergency procedures the Doctor has taught you… You can do this Tom. You have to do this…. You have to try… You'll never forgive yourself if you don't."
Slowly the words permeated his inner fog. He hesitantly reached out his hand for the cardiac stimulator and a hypospray, as he did so B'Elanna's hand caught his. "Tom..." she urged.
"Please Tom, don't let him die." Harry's words were caught in his throat as he stared down at the bio-bed. He was fighting the tears that were threatening. He silently pleaded with his friend. *Please Tom…please…come to your senses…help him…save him…*
Tom's eyes couldn't focus on the objects in his hands. He felt like a vice held his chest. He couldn't breathe…couldn't speak. He barely heard the words. *Dear God…* he thought to himself, *this can't be happening…I can't do it…I don't know what to do…* The whine of the monitor continued to assault his ears. His hands started to tremble, and the hypospray fell to the floor.
B'Elanna grabbed it and shoved it against Chakotay's neck, her own hands shaking uncontrollably as she did so. She was waging a war internally. Her Klingon half wanted to lash out at something, someone, for allowing this to happen. Her human half was in shock, disbelieving the sight before her. She herself, had tried to kill Chakotay only a few days before, she had wanted him dead. Wanted him to die for the pain and betrayal he had unleashed on her and the crew. And now, he was. Dying in front of her eyes. He was her best friend, her "father", and he was dying. Dying, and the only man that could save him was her lover, her fiancée. A man, who wanted Chakotay dead more than anything else in the world at the moment. She stared at him through tears of rage and fear. Her Klingon soul crying out and striking at the man she loved. She grabbed his shoulders and shook him fiercely, yelling at him through her tears. "Tom! By the Spirit of Kahless! Do something!"
Tom turned on her, freeing himself from her grasp and shoving her back harshly. His voice thick with frayed emotions and raw nerves. "ME! Why don't you! Get the Doc's program back on line! I can't do this alone!"
B'Elanna stared at him. Her face in shock at his sudden display of force.
Kathryn grabbed Tom's hand and swung him around. "Yes you CAN Lieutenant! Now do it! That's an order!" She grabbed the cardiac stimulator from his hand and placed it on Chakotay's chest.
Tom grabbed it quickly, coming to his senses. "Not there! Here!" He placed the stimulator just above Chakotay's heart and issued the electrical impulse. Chakotay's body arched in response. The whine continued. He increased the voltage and tried again. Still nothing. He pushed B'Elanna aside and grabbed another hypospray. Placing it against Chakotay's neck, he said under his breath. "Dear God, I hope this works…"
Kathryn placed her hand over his. "You'll make it work Tom…I know you will…"
More seconds…an eternity… Tom increased the charge once more and Chakotay's still form jerked off the bio-bed. Tom felt like the vice around his chest had tightened ten-fold. He stared down at the man who was now an admiral…the man he had known as his first officer…the man he wanted to die for the hurt he had caused everyone. Tom's frustration and sense of helplessness now surfaced, and he slammed his fist down on Chakotay's chest, grimacing as he thought he heard the distinct sound of ribs cracking from the force of his blow to the sternum. "Come on Chakotay…Fight! Damn it! You still owe me!" He grabbed another hypospray and glared into B'Elanna's eyes. "Damn it B'Elanna! Do as I say for once! Get the Doc's program back on-line!" He turned his attention back to the man before him. He quickly pressed the hypospray against Chakotay's neck and slammed his fist down on Chakotay's sternum once again, his eyes darkening with rage. "Damn you Chakotay! You've always been one to make me eat my words! Why the hell aren't you doing so now! FIGHT! Damn you!" The monitor beeped in response. First one beep…then another… Slightly stronger. Barely faster. Tom felt the vice around his own chest loosen but as he glanced at the sensors, he knew it wouldn't be long before he'd be fighting another battle. Chakotay was alive…barely…and Tom instinctively knew it would take a miracle to keep him that way.Both B'Elanna and Kathryn had recoiled in shock when Tom hit Chakotay's chest with such force. B'Elanna quickly glanced down at Chakotay then to Kathryn for guidance. Tom's actions were out of control and she felt she had to stay close, not only to protect Chakotay, but to protect Tom from himself. She knew he was waging a war of inner turmoil, and she suddenly feared he may not be able to stay in control of the situation.
Kathryn seemed to read her thoughts and nodded for her to go. "It's all right B'Elanna…I'll stay."
B'Elanna turned towards Harry. "Come on Harry! I can't do this alone!" She grabbed his arm as she strode past Tom, stopping long enough to place her hand on his shoulder. Her gaze lingered on Chakotay's face before turning towards Tom, tears in her eyes. She squeezed his shoulder as her lips quivered. "You know what to do Tom…"
Tom's eyes closed as he felt her meaning transcend to him through her grasp. He lowered his head in resignation, as B'Elanna and Harry walked swiftly towards the doors, pausing to look back at the scene playing behind them.
Harry felt B'Elanna's hand on his arm, pulling him through the doors. Time was of the essence, yet as he gazed at Tom's profile, he couldn't help but feel that time had run out for Chakotay. Tom had given up before he even started. His voice wavered as he repeated Tom's words to him. "Remember Tom…Heroes don't die…He was once your hero as well…."
Tom looked at him at that moment, and their eyes locked. Silent words passing between them. One friend to another, their relationship strained because of their allegiances to their commanding officers. One, wanting only to protect the woman he respected and cared for as captain, the other, wanting only to save his hero…a man the other one wanted dead for his betrayal to their captain.
B'Elanna read the exchanged look and gripped Harry's arm tighter to pull him forward. Emotions were strained to the breaking point, as well as friendships…relationships…. She needed to separate her two friends before things got out of hand. "Come on Harry. The best thing we can do is to get the Doc's program back on-line…quickly…." A lingering glance towards Tom and Chakotay and she turned into the corridor, pulling Harry reluctantly behind.
********
Feeling concerned for the Admiral's welfare and responsible for his safety, Tuvok had opted to post security guards both in and outside of Sickbay. He studied the panel in front of him. His face was barren of emotion but his eyes betrayed the concern behind his stoic Vulcan exterior. His thoughts raced as he studied the readings returned as he performed a diagnostic and personnel location scan. As Voyager's Chief of Security, he wanted to play it safe where the welfare of the Admiral was concerned.
********
As the drama unfolded in Sickbay, three security guards approached the doors as B'Elanna and Harry entered the corridor. They exchanged quick glances as two of the guards took their posts on either side of the doors, the third stood in the middle of the corridor. Harry couldn't help but wonder why a security detail was being posted…*it was just an accident…*
The third guard stopped him as he passed. "Excuse me Ensign Kim. Commander Tuvok would like a word with you on the bridge."
B'Elanna narrowed her eyes and became defensive. "What for? I need Ensign Kim with me if I'm going to get the Emergency Medical Hologram back on-line."
The guard would not be swayed. "I'm sorry Lieutenant. Commander's orders. He wants to talk to Ensign Kim…now." He firmly placed his hand on Harry's elbow. Harry shot him a look and then turned back to B'Elanna and smiled weakly. "I'll meet you in Engineering in fifteen minutes." He couldn't help the glare that clouded his eyes as he nodded his head to the guard. "Let's go. I've got work to do."
B'Elanna watched the guard escort Harry down the corridor and frowned. *By the Spirit of Kahless, just what the Hell is going on?*
********
As the doors closed behind Harry and B'Elanna, Tom glanced up at the dark blue eyes staring at him. "Captain…I'm not sure I know what to do. He's got all kinds of internal injuries in addition to the skull fracture…"
Kathryn could barely hear his words. She had noticed the guard take position by the door and frowned. *What are you doing Tuvok? Why the guard?* Her mind raced as she tried to remember the brief moments just before Chakotay flat-lined. She had been too shocked to fully understand him and now she wished like hell she could remember. *What did you say to me, Chakotay?* Her hands trembled from frustration and she realized she couldn't focus on any logical thoughts. Her thoughts were now on the man lying in front of her. He was so pale, his bronze color only a tint in the gray coldness of his skin. His head was lying at a lifeless angle, blood still oozing from the fracture and from the corner of his mouth. She started to reach out to touch him, but pulled her hand back, closing her hand instead to the tremors coursing through her arm.
She glanced up. Tom's words sounded distant…hollow… She gathered her will power and slowly walked around to stand next to him and leaned close. Tears stung her eyes as she gathered her nerves. She had to keep Tom from coming unglued, but something in the pit of her stomach told her that it was already too late. His confidence was gone…and Chakotay would die because of it…. "Tom…you have to be strong…you're his only hope… Think…" Kathryn's words trailed off as the sensors went off again.
The sudden noise shocked him to attention. He grabbed the cortical stimulator and placed it on Chakotay's temple. "Shit! Come on Admiral…don't do this to me…Please…" The sensors slowly calmed down and Tom inhaled deeply. *Think you idiot…injuries…* he told himself. *Restart the heart…did that…now I just have to keep it beating…. Breathing… Shit…I've got to get his breathing stabilized…* He grabbed the tricorder once again and scanned Chakotay's chest. "Shit! Not that! His lungs have collapsed, and his chest cavity is filling with blood…Captain…I'm going to need your help. I've got to perform emergency surgery…"
Kathryn recoiled from him in horror. "Tom…I…"
He grabbed her wrist. His voice lowered as he glared at her determined not to face this horrifying nightmare alone. "Please Captain…I can't do it alone! If you expect him to survive then you've got to help!"
Her eyes grew wide. "But…I've never…"
Tom eyes only narrowed. He was being pushed to the edge and he resented it. Resented his training…resented Chakotay for being injured and making those horrible words spoken on the Holodeck come to pass…and resented the anomaly for taking the Doctor's program off-line. Mere technology was not going to be enough to keep Chakotay from drowning in his own blood. It would take sheer guts and determination, and a medical knowledge Tom knew he didn't possess. "Neither have I…but now I don't have much of a choice do I? If I don't operate, he'll die in his own blood. If I do operate, I could kill him by my ignorance."
Kathryn studied Tom's face before looking back down at Chakotay. Tom was scared to death and her own thoughts mirrored his fears. Her eyes misted with tears. *Oh Chakotay…why did it ever have to come to this? You have to hold on…. Please hold on…. Don't make this anymore difficult than it already is…* She looked back up at Tom, then down to Tom's hand. She placed her own over his to steady him and gazed deep into his eyes once more. Tom had been right. Despite everything, Chakotay needed her strength if he was going to survive, and Tom needed it if he was ever going to get through this surgery. His hands were trembling. "Tom…I know you'll do what's right. And so does Chakotay. He's always trusted you Tom. He's always had faith in you. You can do this. I know it…and so does he." Tom closed his eyes for a moment at the sound of her words. She squeezed his hand. "Come on Tom. Don't let him down…" She inhaled deeply to overcome the feeling surging up her throat. She wanted to throw up. But she knew Tom needed her…and she needed him. He was Chakotay's only hope. "Concentrate Tom…. I'm right here with you." As he opened his eyes, she locked her own with his. "We'll save him…together…."
They stood there, looking at each other, suddenly feeling very uncertain of their emotions, and uncertain of their abilities to save the life of a man they had at one time called friend.
********
Tom was the first to move. He lowered the conclave surrounding Chakotay and slowly picked up the laser scalpel. As he positioned it over Chakotay's chest, he hesitated. He couldn't look at her as he spoke. "Are you sure you're ready for this Captain? It won't be easy. And once I start I won't be able to stop until the surgery is complete. You won't be able to leave. And it's likely to get pretty dicey…."
"It's all right…. Just tell me what to do Tom. I can't leave him like this." She looked at him carefully, still unsure of his confidence. "And neither can you Tom…whether you want to admit or not…."
Tom's hands trembled slightly at her words. "I may have wanted him dead…I may still want him dead for what he did to B'Elanna…to you…to all of us…. But not like this…. What if I…"
She stopped him. Her hand closing over his, pressing his hand holding the scalpel towards Chakotay's skin. "You won't…. Now concentrate Tom. Remember what you've learned…."
Tom looked up at her then back down to the scalpel in his hands. Inhaling deeply, taking the strength from her hand, he slowly made the first incision into Chakotay's smooth skin. He couldn't help but think that only a few nights before, he had asked Chakotay for B'Elanna's hand in marriage. They had shook on it. And then…then there was the holodeck, and those words of hate they had spoken to each other. Tom closed his eyes tight to stop the thoughts from invading his mind. *Not now. Please God…Not now…* He had to stay focused. His sole focus was Chakotay. The smell of cauterized flesh from the laser wafted up towards his nose. *Focus Paris… Focus…* It became a mantra, a prayer, as Tom imagined the Doctor standing before him, ticking off each task one by one. Maintain the airway, maintain the breathing, keep the circulation going…stop the internal bleeding…
He made his way through the maze of ruptured tissues and fragmented bones. *Find the cause…The ruptured spleen, the punctured lung, collapsed diaphragm…* The sounds of the sensors dulled in his ears. Even the captain's presence, faded from his vision. His eyes were focused on the injuries in front of him. He heard himself telling her what to do, but the words seemed hollow, vague, difficult to understand…but she followed them…trusting in him to save the life of the man who was once her first officer, her friend…the man she had once loved with all her heart and soul.
The vice holding his chest, gripped him in a deathlike hold. He felt nauseous…light headed, but he had to stay focused. He had to save Chakotay's life. He had to keep his mind on the task at hand… He silently repeated the mantra, *focus…* He had to stay focused on saving the life of a man that he wanted dead…
********
Harry walked onto the bridge and stood to face Tuvok. "You wanted to see me Commander."
Tuvok raised his eyebrow and studied the young Ensign in front of him. "Ensign Kim. Please tell me what happened after you left the Admiral outside of the Mess Hall earlier."
Harry felt taken aback. *Why the Hell is asking me that?* He shifted and inhaled slightly to calm his nerves. "I went to get something to eat. The Admiral said he was going to go ahead and check out the relays in Jefferies Tube 37. We'd been working on trying to restore the Doctor's program with no luck, and he thought he might be able to trace the source of the problem from there."
Tuvok twisted his lips as he formulated his next question. "Was anyone else aware of your agenda?"
Harry frowned. "No sir…We'd been alone in Sickbay for several hours. Other than a few crewmen that we passed in the corridor, no one knew where we were going. Why?"
"As Chief Security Officer I am obliged to examine all possibilities Ensign."
"What possibilities sir? Do you think someone could have done this to the Admiral?"
The sudden glare in Harry's eyes did not escape Tuvok's keen senses. It was more than apparent to the Vulcan that Harry Kim was being very defensive of the man that lay in Sickbay fighting for his life. "Not at all Ensign. Nevertheless, I must be absolutely sure where the safety of the Admiral is concerned. The recent events have created a tension on board this ship that I cannot ignore." His tone shifted. "How was the Admiral's condition when you left him?"
Harry shifted again. He was becoming very anxious to get back to Engineering and quite concerned with the questions Tuvok was asking of him. "All right I guess." A smile crossed his lips.
"Something amuses you Mr. Kim?"
Harry smiled and lowered his eyes briefly to hide his embarrassment. "No sir. I was just thinking about what Chak…the Admiral and I were doing on our way to the Mess Hall."
"And that would be Mr. Kim?"
"The Timewarp, sir."
Tuvok raised his brow in disbelief. "Say again Ensign."
"The Timewarp, sir. It's a dance…a song…we used to sing at the Academy…"
"I'm well aware of the song Ensign, but I fall to see the relevance of that information at this point in time."
"You asked me about the Admiral's condition, sir. Other than the headache he had when he came into Sickbay, he seemed fine."
Tuvok's face clouded. He remembered the night only a several days hence, when he had found Chakotay on the floor in his quarters, reeling from the effects of another attack of nightmares like those he had suffered so many years ago. "Headache?"
Harry noticed the change in Tuvok and frowned. "Yes sir. He came into Sickbay looking for the Doc. He said he needed something for a headache. It must have been a pretty bad one too. He had to grab hold of something at least twice, to keeping from losing his balance. You don't suppose that's what caused him to fall?"
Tuvok sighed. "That is a distinct possibility, Mr. Kim. The Admiral has been known to suffer migraines from time to time."
"Yeah. And the latest series of events over the past week have been enough to give anybody a migraine."
Tuvok raised his eyebrow at Harry's choice of words, the hint of sarcasm not going unnoticed by his keen Vulcan hearing. He sighed and looked back down at the panel. "Dismissed Mr. Kim."
"Sir?"
"Dismissed. Return to your duties with Lieutenant Torres. Your priority is getting the EMH program back on-line."
Harry shifted once again and turned towards the turbolift. He stopped and turned back to Tuvok. "Commander? Do you think the Admiral will be OK?"
Tuvok did not look up from his task. His eyes were clouded once more. His mind deep in thought as he read the results of the personnel scan. No one other than Chakotay had been near Jefferies Tube 37 at the time of the accident, yet he couldn't help the nagging suspicion cutting into his thoughts like a sharp knife. *It's not my protection you should be worried about Tuvok…I can take care of myself…* "I'm sure the Admiral will be fine Mr. Kim. Now…return to your duties and leave the speculation to me. Is that understood?"
"Yes sir." Harry frowned as the doors to the turbolift closed behind him. Tuvok was suspicious of something…or worse yet…someone…
********
The surgery seemed to take hours. Kathryn had felt herself reel on more than one occasion. She had to grab the side of the bio-bed for support when it had become necessary to crack Chakotay's rib cage open to repair the damage to his punctured lungs. The sound still echoed in her ears, but she had fought to stay coherent. Tom needed her assistance, and he needed her strength. It was her own determination that was keeping him going. Guiding him through the difficult journey of healing Chakotay's injuries. When the sensors had gone off again, they had both frozen, unable to comprehend the ramifications. Chakotay's heart had stopped, and the cardiac stimulator had failed to perform, leaving Tom no alternative but to resort to 20th Century medical tactics…open heart massage. When Tom pulled her hands to his, she could only stare at him in disbelief. "Tom…I can't…"
His eyes focused on hers. He had to make her understand. He turned to the task before him. "Captain…now more than ever…you hold his life in your hands…his heart belongs to you…falter…and he'll die. Just keep massaging it gently…like this…." Kathryn felt the bile rise in her throat as he placed her hands on Chakotay's heart, bidding her to obey him, as he reached for another hypospray. When he turned back towards her, he couldn't help but notice that she was as white as a sheet. As he placed the hypospray against Chakotay's neck, his voice faltered slightly. "It's OK Captain…I'll take over now…."Kathryn pulled away then, distancing herself from the bio-bed…from the blood…. Tom grabbed her wrist. "Please Captain…I still need your help. It's almost over with now…. We're almost finished…." Tom slowly closed the chest cavity and began making the final preparations to close the incisions.
She could only nod. She wanted to faint. Four hours had ticked by since they had started, but she felt like it had been forty.
She looked at the top of Tom's head as he ran the dermal regenerator over the last incision. She had to give her young pilot credit. Despite his fears, he had performed like a skilled surgeon. His hands had been steady, his nerves like steel, and his constitution, was stronger than hers. She looked down at her own hands, and fought back the urge to vomit. She hated the sight of blood…any blood…but the sight of Chakotay's on her hands sent a wave of nausea through her like she had never known before. She felt herself start to reel, when she felt the slight pressure of a hypospray against her neck. She looked up at Tom gratefully, as she felt the drug course through her system, dispelling the sickness overcoming her.
Tom looked at her, his voice as stoic as the Doctor's. "You'd better get some rest Captain…. It's been a long day, and you don't look well."
"I'm all right. It's just…" She looked down at her hands, then noticed Tom handing her a towel.
"I know." His voice was hollow as he handed her the warm towel to wipe her hands.
Kathryn took it from him, her hands shaking as she did so. She walked over next to him. "Tom?" Kathryn placed her hand on Tom's shoulder, and studied his eyes. They were dark with emotion. "Are you all right?"
Tom lowered his head and turned back to the sensor panel, studying the readings they were displaying. "I'll be fine Captain. I think you'd better get some rest. It could be several hours before he awakens…if…"
She stopped him. "Tom…He will. You did a magnificent job. You should be proud of what you've done. And I'm sure the Doctor will be very proud of you when B'Elanna and Harry get him back on-line."
"Pride won't do a damn thing if he dies, Captain. He's still in critical condition." His voice was harsh.
"Tom…. You must think positive…."
Tom looked up at her. His eyes briefly flashed. "Positive? He could still die Captain. And what's worse, I'm still not so sure I did the right thing. If he dies now, I will have only prolonged his pain. What's positive about that?"
Kathryn gripped his arm. "Tom. You gave him a chance. A chance he wouldn't have had without you. That's positive. And besides…you'd never forgive yourself if you hadn't tried."
Tom turned away from her studying the sensor readings. "Get some rest Captain… I'll call you if there's any change."
Kathryn glanced down at Chakotay's face and lightly touched his cheek. "Tom…I want to stay here…in case he awakens…"
Tom closed his eyes briefly before turning back towards her. "He won't. Now that I've managed to get his vitals stabilized, and the fracture repaired, I've had to give him a pretty strong sedative…. But you're welcome to stay…." He studied her expression. He admired and respected her so much. She was a pillar of strength, able to stare down the enemy with a single glare from those eyes, and her hands had dealt many fatal blow to hostile intruders that had threatened her ship and her crew. But now those same eyes had seen the blood of an Admiral, her First Officer, her friend, her lover…on those same hands…and something told him that she would not soon forget the images of the past few hours. "Do you want me to give you something to help you sleep?"
Kathryn was dazed. She was exhausted…physically and mentally. "Huh? Oh no… I'll be fine." Her eyes fell on Chakotay's face. "He's still so pale…"
"He lost a great deal of blood Captain. Even with the transfusion, it'll take time for his body to become accustomed to that amount of blood loss."
She sighed. "Well…at least he's alive…"
Tom forced a smile from his lips for her benefit. "Yes…at least he's alive." *For now…*
********
Kathryn watched Tom as he studied the sensors. Checking on Chakotay's vitals every few minutes. No words were spoken between them. He was silent, pensive…stoic. He had avoided her gaze, and she couldn't help but wonder why he was being so distant. At one point, she touched his arm. "Tom?"
He turned away from her, speechless. His eyes telling her what she already knew. Chakotay was still not out of danger. He had done everything he knew how to do, and Chakotay was still not responding. She saw the fear behind his eyes. The regret…
Over the next few hours, it had become a routine between them. She tried to get him to talk, but he avoided her…choosing instead to watch the sensors and the life support keeping Chakotay alive. She wanted to talk to him, she had to talk to him…she knew he was struggling with his own demons. He had wished Chakotay dead only a few days before on the Holodeck…a painful death…and now that wish had come true. She couldn't help but remember the words…*be careful what you wish for…you just might get it…* Tom had wished him dead, and was now struggling to keep him alive. As she watched him move around the bio-bed, she wondered what he was thinking behind that stoic façade he had chosen to put on. "Please Tom…talk to me…"
He only lowered his head, pulling away from her. When she had placed her hand on his arm, willing him to look at her, he gazed into her eyes and forced back the tears that were threatening. "Get some rest Captain…It's late."
"Tom…you need to talk about this…you haven't said a word for the past three hours. You can't continue on like this. I've known you too long Tom. Please…talk to me…"
He pulled away from her, shrugging his shoulders to avoid her. His eyes narrowing. "Please Captain…stay if you like…continue to sit with him…. Perhaps you're being here will help…. But please…don't ask me to talk…not now…."
Kathryn sighed as she looked into his eyes. They betrayed the pain he was feeling. The pain of regret. She raised her hand to touch his cheek, as she held his gaze. "Tom…you have nothing to be ashamed of. You saved his life… Hold onto that. Don't dwell on words spoken in anger so many days ago. I'm sure if Chakotay could speak, he'd tell you the same thing… He doesn't hate you Tom…and despite everything that has happened…he still loves you, and B'Elanna, and every other member of this crew…"
Tom looked at her, his anger surfacing. "Sure he does…That's why he betrayed and lied to us…and especially you…the woman of his dreams…the woman he loves more than life itself…. He betrayed you the moment he stepped on board this ship."
"Tom…" Kathryn's eyes narrowed at him. Tom was treading into dangerous territory. She still hadn't reconciled her own emotions on Chakotay's betrayal. There hadn't been time for that. And now…she swallowed hard as she glanced back down at Chakotay…she may never get the chance…
Tom read her thoughts. "Please Captain…leave me alone to deal with my demons. You have your own to battle." He turned away from her and walked into the Doctor's office, leaving her standing there speechless.
********
The hours had ticked by slowly, but she still sat next to his bedside. She still had so much she wanted to say to him. Ask him… She studied his features as she had done so often before as he had slept by her side. Before everything happened to turn her world upside down. Before she had discovered the truth about him. Before he had admitted to her that he had lied to her and kept untold secrets from her even after they had agreed no secrets between them.
Her thoughts rambled. She was exhausted, and she couldn't think straight. She remembered staring at him on the Holodeck as he had spoken to her of his past…*a hired gun…* he had called himself. She had read and re-read that encrypted file…committing it to memory as she had his other file. Committing every bit of information about him to her internal database. He was in Covert Operations. A leader of the CRU and CTU teams… Notorious for their tactics of 'persuasion'. They took no prisoners. Their actions, whispered quietly throughout the corridors of Starfleet, were frowned upon by those officers who adhered to the rules of the Prime Directive and common decency... and humanity. She had always abided by those rules. They had dictated her life. She knew Covert Operations was a "necessary evil", but she hated their methods. She had always wondered how someone could displace their feelings, their common sense of humanity for the kinds of jobs the teams were called upon to perform. Professionals who performed their job well. Too well for her liking. How could Starfleet, or anyone involved with C.O. ever consider killing a necessity? A "necessary evil"? She sighed heavily. How could she have ever fallen in love with a man that represented the one thing about Starfleet that she despised with all her heart? How could she still love him knowing that? She shuddered.
She touched his hand. It was cold. She found herself thinking *cold hands, warm heart…* and wondering if he really did have a warm heart after all. She closed her eyes to the image of her hands holding his heart in her hands…sticky…warm…lifeless… She felt the blood drain from her face and grasped his hand as the blackness overcame her, her head sinking to his chest, as sheer exhaustion and emotional fatigue finally took hold.
********
The dreams were so real, and she tossed and turned against the images taking hold of her as she slept. They were arguing. Saying horrible things to each other. Lashing out at one another with every word they spoke. She hated him. Hated everything he was. Hated everything he stood for. Hated everything he had done for the sake of the "Federation". She had laughed at the thought. She called him a criminal. A common thug. An assassin. She told him he was ruthless, evil in the guise of a friend, cold…heartless.
He had called her naïve. Distant. Unfeeling. Uncaring. Unwilling to accept the real truth about the Federation and Starfleet.
She had lashed out at him then. Striking at him with every ounce of energy she possessed. Wishing him dead. Wanting him dead for his betrayal of her friendship and her love.
He had laughed at her. He said he never really loved her. He had used her for the sake of the Federation…used her like he had so many others. It had all been a game…and he had won…
She felt her hands close around the knife that she held. She brought it down against his chest. Tearing and cutting into his flesh as she screamed at him… Shouting words of hate and rage at him as she sought to make him pay for her hurt. Slowly killing him with every cut of the knife.
His eyes had only looked at her. Penetrating through her soul as his lips fell silent. As his body slumped lifeless to her feet, she stared down at him. His eyes were open, beckoning her to come close… His words were harsh…*I trusted you with my life…and you've killed me… You've killed me, but despite it all, I still love you, Kathryn…*
She glared at him as his head fell, his last breath leaving his lips. She shouted at him. *Lies! All lies! Even in death you lie to me! May you rot in Hell for this Chakotay!*
Silence befell her ears, and her words stilled. She stared down at her hands…they were covered in blood…his blood… She had wanted him dead and now she had his own blood on her hands to show for it…
She had awoken screaming, incoherent, and before Tom could get the hypospray against her neck, she had broken his hold and ran from Sickbay, and away from the truth she feared her dreams had revealed. Did she really despise Chakotay enough to want him dead? Did she hate him enough to want to kill him…?
********
The lights of Sickbay had been dimmed. Tom was still cloistered in the Doctor's office when Harry came in, silently approaching Chakotay's bedside.
Tom looked up and walked towards him. When he saw Harry's face, he knew the answer to his question before he asked. "He's still off-line isn't he?"
Harry had only nodded. His eyes were clouded with fatigue and grief. He looked up at Tom. "Anything?"
Tom shook his head slowly, closing his eyes. "Nothing. He's been unresponsive. His neural patterns indicate severe head trauma, but he's not in a coma…at least not yet… It's like he's given up."
Harry looked down at Chakotay then back to Tom. "Have you?"
Tom shot him a look and narrowed his eyes. "Despite what you think Harry…I don't want him to die…at least not while I'm on duty…" His words of sarcasm stung both of them, and Tom turned on his heel to return to the Doctor's office, deaf to Harry's apologies.
Harry could only stare after his friend in despair. Their friendship was floundering in the wake of this nightmare. This whole situation had jeopardized the very foundation of Voyager's family. Friends were at each other's throats in disagreement over misplaced loyalties. He and B'Elanna had even argued, parting in anger before he had come here to Sickbay. Even now, he and Tom had exchanged few words…harsh words, still spoken with anger because of their individual allegiances. He closed his eyes and gripped the side of the bio-bed for support. A silent prayer left his lips as the tears began to fall. *Please God…let everything be all right. Please let him come out of this. Safe. Strong… A hero to all of us… Please…just let Chakotay live and help us put our family back together again…*
Tom sat there silent. Watching Harry grieve for a fallen hero…a mentor…a friend. He felt the twinge in his heart as he noticed the tears fall from Harry's cheeks. He suddenly felt remorse for his young friend. He wanted to protect him from the lies…the pain…the guilt that Chakotay's death would bring, but he couldn't… Not yet. It was still too soon. How could he comfort his friend from the lies, when he himself would be living a lie doing so? He buried his head in his hands. "I'm sorry Harry…I'm so sorry…"
They stayed like that…separate…apart from each other as friends…for well over an hour. Harry hadn't moved. His expression had not changed. He just stood there next to the bio-bed, staring down at Chakotay, watching the lights of the sensors in silence. It was only when Tuvok once again summoned him to the bridge that he spoke. His eyes momentarily locking with Tom's before turning and exiting Sickbay.
The expression they shared was unmistakable. Harry was blaming him for everything, and Tom could only lower his eyes and sigh heavily. *Perhaps you're right Harry…perhaps you're right…*
********
Tom administered another dosage of medication and took note of the sensor readings. *Eight hours…eight hours since I saved your life, and still no thanks… Why the hell aren't you responding Chakotay?*
He sighed. The constant silence surrounding him had been deafening. He needed to take a break. The Captain had awoken from her nightmares and run out of here over two hours before, and Harry had been gone close to an hour…and despite the security guard Tuvok had posted just inside the Sickbay doors right after the accident, Tom still had felt alone. Alone with the silence. Alone with his demons. Alone with his guilt.
He looked down at Chakotay's still form and watched his chest slowly rise and fall with each breath. He studied the life support conclave keeping Chakotay alive, allowing his body to heal from the intensive surgery he had gone through. Tom lightly touched the scar running down the center of Chakotay's chest. Even with the dermal regeneration, it would be a long time before the scar disappeared…if it ever fully disappeared… A constant reminder of the last several hours of Hell. Tom closed his hand as it began to tremble, remembering the surgery it had performed only eight hours earlier.
He ran his hand through his hair and stared at Chakotay's face. "What's wrong Chakotay? Why haven't you come out of it yet? Why aren't you responding?" His thoughts raced. He was realizing his worst fears. His father's words coming back to haunt him…*you'll fail Tom…* Had he forgotten something? Had he failed to close off a blood vessel, an artery? Failed to heal an unseen injury? He reached for the tricorder, scanning Chakotay's body for the umpteenth time, looking for clues. "Damn it Chakotay! Work with me here! Please…please…don't give up…please don't fail me…"
His voice faded as he felt his strength wane. He'd been awake for over 36 hours. Between holding B'Elanna's trembling body in his arms as she sobbed her grief for Chakotay's betrayal, his duty shift, and then this…he was exhausted… Mentally, more than physically. He leaned against the conclave for support. His voice cracked with emotion as he gazed down at the man, that through a twist of fate, a damned spatial anomaly, a span of just a few hours, had become an Admiral, and a former friend…
"God Chakotay…Why? Why didn't you tell us? Why the lies? Why the betrayal? Didn't you realize how many people those lies would hurt? Damn you! You've hurt everyone and still you stay silent! B'Elanna looked to you like a father… Harry looked to you like a hero… The Captain, Kathryn, she looked to you for love and support… And me…I looked to you as a friend… You were a friend, Chakotay…a close friend…and I respected you. I cared about you… I loved you… Why?…Why didn't you tell us?"
The tears that had been stored behind his façade of barren emotion broke free, and he stood there, slumped over the conclave, sobbing for the friend he had lost because of a twist of fate….
********
B'Elanna had found him like that over an hour later. He was still trembling with emotions and the tears flowed from his eyes like a raging torrent of water. When she touched his shoulder, he turned towards her and fell into her embrace, sobbing as she held him in her arms.
"God B'Elanna! He can't die! He just can't… Not yet… Not before I tell him how sorry I am. For everything…for ever saying those horrible things to him on the Holodeck…for even wishing him dead…"
B'Elanna wrapped her arms around him and threaded her fingers through his hair, pulling his head closer. Her own tears falling to dampen his already wet cheeks. She had wanted Chakotay dead only a few days before, but she hated what this ordeal was doing to her beloved. "Ssssh Tom… It'll be all right… You didn't mean those things…I know you didn't. They were spoken in anger…"
His words broke through the sobs. "Anger or not…I wished him dead! I even had a gruesome sense of satisfaction when I saw him lying on that staging platform! Like he had gotten his just reward for what he had done to you…the Captain…all of us…"
She took his head in her hands and bid him to look at her. "Tom…I tried to kill him remember? What could be worse than that?"
Tom closed his eyes to avoid her gaze. "Not being able to help him…Failing him."
She looked at him in disbelief. "Tom! How could you say that?! Look at what you've done! Kahless! You saved his life with what you did…the triage…the surgery…everything!"
"Then why isn't he responding, B'Elanna?! Why?!" He pulled away from her then and turned back towards the bio-bed. He slammed his fists down on the side of the conclave in frustration. "Damn it! I've done everything I know to do, and still the readings don't lie! He's dying! And I can't stop it! I've failed B'Elanna! I've failed, and Chakotay is going to die because of it!"
She wanted to shake him. "Tom Paris! You listen to me! You haven't failed! Don't you dare let anyone say that you have…You saved his life Tom…when no one else could."
Tom could only look at her through tears of frustration. His emotions were spent. He had nothing left to give. "Get the Doc's program back on-line B'Elanna…I can't do this anymore…I can't watch him…"
B'Elanna placed her hand on his shoulder and pulled him into her arms once more. "He's not going to Tom…You have to believe that…Now more than ever, you have to believe that…"
Tom sighed heavily, his shoulders sagging from the incomprehensible weight upon them. He slowly pulled away from her and gazed into her eyes before returning his gaze to the sensors. His fingers glided over the panel, and he lowered his head in resignation. "Make your peace with him B'Elanna…I don't know how much longer he'll have…"
Her eyes narrowed. "Tom…"
"Talk to him B'Elanna. Try and make amends before it's too late. He might respond, but I doubt it. At least you should try…" He looked at her once more, blinking back the tears. "I'll leave you alone with him…" He moved away from her and headed towards the office.
********
She didn't follow him. She knew him well enough to know that he wanted to be left alone with his own thoughts. Her heart broke into a million pieces as she thought of him crying, alone, for Chakotay, and for his own misplaced sense of failure. *Oh Tom…I love you so much…please be strong…you'll get through this.* "Kahless, give him strength to get through this… Give us all strength to get through this…Please…" She slowly turned back to the bio-bed and sat down, alone with her thoughts of the man that lay before her.
She sat there for an eternity. Watching the sensors and the slow rise and fall of Chakotay's chest. She had tried to kill him for what he had done. For lying to her. For using her and their friends for the sake of Starfleet's plans. He had told her he had left Starfleet. Resigned his commission to fight for the causes the Maquis stood for. To protect his homeworld. His family. His friends. But he had lied. Betrayed all of them in order to protect the fragile framework of Starfleet and the Federation. He had been sent to destroy them…destroy her. How could she still care for him? How could she still love him?
The longer she sat there, the more memories that came flooding to the surface. He had been her mentor, her friend…a surrogate father in so many ways…and before Tom had entered her life…she had been in love with him… She smiled to herself…it hadn't really been love…just a crush…a fascination like that of a silly star-struck schoolgirl in love with her professor… But she did love him. Loved him as a friend and "father". Loved him enough to die for him if need be.
Tears began to flow down her cheeks as she watched him. She'd never known him to be helpless. He had always been strong. A towering pillar of strength behind her and the rest of the crew, Maquis and Starfleet alike. And he had been…she corrected herself…he was still the strength behind the Captain. But now, as she watched him fight for his life, he seemed small and helpless. He was so pale, so lifeless…so silent…unable to defend himself…and the crew he had so often defended and protected in the past.
Her thoughts drifted back to the time he had laid lifeless on this same bio-bed…brain dead…because of a hostile alien encounter in a nebula. He had become detached from his body then. Desperately trying to protect the ship and the crew from the hostile aliens that had threatened them. And he had succeeded. He had protected them. Like so many times before, and since then…he had always protected them. Protected the ones he loved… That hadn't been a lie. He hadn't done that for the sake of the Federation… He had done that for their sake…for the sake of his friends…
She briefly wondered if she should retrieve his medicine wheel from his quarters. Perhaps it would help. Perhaps he could walk the wheel and find his way home. Find his way back to his friends.
She had tried the past few hours since the accident to resolve her human emotions. But her anger was too deep. It enveloped the memories and crushed the happiness that she remembered. Her tears stilled. Replaced now by hate. He had betrayed her. Used her for the sake of the Federation. The same Federation that had forsaken their friends and allowed the destruction of their homes. Those Maquis on board Voyager were all that was left of the freedom fighters…of their friends…of those willing to lay down their life for what they believed in…freedom from Cardassian rule. And he had sold them all a bill of goods. He had sold his soul to the devil…
The words finally came forth…fueled by her anger. "They always say that one receives their just reward at the time of their death. Perhaps you have finally received yours. I spoke words of hate to you. I even tried to kill you…I failed…just as I have failed as a friend. I have failed my friends on board this ship…and those I have left behind in the Alpha quadrant…Maquis and Starfleet alike. I should have seen you for what you really are years ago… Maybe then, I could've stopped you from playing this game with the lives of people I care about. And I did care about you Chakotay…in so many ways…I would've died for you… But then…you must have known that. You must have known you could always rely on me to shield you from harm. But I won't act as your shield any longer Chakotay. You are on your own. You have made your demons…now you must die with them."
She didn't feel Tom's presence behind her until his hand was on her shoulder. She didn't move. She wanted to remain distant. Alone with her thoughts. She felt his hand press harder. She sighed and closed her eyes. She still loved Tom… It was the one thing that was constant in this whirlwind life of hers. He needed comfort. He needed stability. He needed her. He was taking this too hard…
She rose slowly and turned to him, wrapping her arms around him as he began to cry once more. They stood there, wrapped in each other's arms, holding onto the memories of their commanding officer. One, holding the hope that a miracle would happen and relieve him of this painful duty. The other, holding the hope that the pain would finally cease…for all of them… ********
Her ready room was dark, save for the illumination of the screen in front of her. She wanted it dark. Needed it to be dark. She didn't need the distraction of light. Not now. She had been alone with her thoughts for over two hours. She hadn't even hailed Sickbay, since leaving in a rush, to inquire as to his condition. She was afraid to. Afraid of what Tom would tell her. *Be careful what you wish for…you just might get it.* The words she had thought of earlier in Sickbay when she was watching Tom now came rushing back to haunt her. Her nightmares about wanting him dead…about killing him with her own hands…had disturbed her deeply and she was desperately trying to sort things out in her own mind.
Kathryn buried her head in her hands once more as she read the files, trying to make sense of everything. Trying to understand the complexities and contradictions of the man that lay in Sickbay fighting for his life. A man who was now an Admiral…had been an Admiral before ever becoming her First Officer. *You must have been so amused that day, when I asked you to become my First Officer. When I 'promoted' you to the rank of First Officer of a Federation Starship. Damn you, Chakotay. You were so cool about the whole situation from the very beginning. You must have been laughing at me from the start.*
Her thoughts were interrupted by the chime of her ready room doors. She sighed and closed her eyes in exasperation. She needed to be alone at the moment. She had needed to be alone since she ran out of sickbay, disturbed by her nightmarish thoughts. In fact, she had only given Tuvok a brief update as to Chakotay's condition upon returning to the bridge, rather than get into a full blown discussion with him. She knew that he was concerned for the man that lay in Sickbay, and she had promised to keep him informed before she had accompanied Tom and the others to the Jefferies Tube, but she wondered if she could ever trust him again. Tuvok knew more than he was letting on. He had known from the very beginning and that bothered her. She had known Tuvok for too many years and it disturbed her deeply to know that he had not been fully up front with her as to his relationship with Chakotay. She put the thoughts back into the recesses of her mind and called to the visitor at her door. "Come in."
Harry entered slowly with his head lowered in resignation, avoiding her gaze. "Captain. May I have a word with you?"
Kathryn felt her heart strings tug at the sight of the young ensign standing before her. It was quite apparent that he had been crying. Her gaze softened and she lowered her voice, allowing it to take on a calming air. "Of course Harry. Please. Sit down. Would you care for something to drink?"
Harry swallowed hard and sat down slowly, never meeting her gaze. "No ma'am. I'm all right." Then as an afterthought, he added, "But thank you though."
Kathryn leaned closer to her desk and rested her forearms on the cool surface. "Something bothering you?"
Harry was silent. His gaze fixed on the floor by his feet. Even now he felt the tears threatening to spill forth and the last thing he wanted to do was to appear like a frightened schoolboy in the principal's office. Especially to Captain Janeway, but the events of the last few days and particularly the last few hours had finally overwhelmed him and he needed…had to…talk to someone. He couldn't help but feel as though the rift between him and Tom had only grown larger over the last few hours, particularly after he had said what he did to Tom. And the way he and B'Elanna had argued while they were trying to get the Doc's program back on-line was more than hateful. It bordered on sheer loathing for each other and their individual principles. B'Elanna was feeling her Maquis sympathies now more than ever, and he was feeling like he was the only one left on board that believed in Starfleet and the Federation.
The Captain's voice cut into his thoughts once more. "Harry? Harry, what's wrong?"
Harry raised his head as a tear slide down his cheek unchecked. "Why does everyone hate him so?"
Kathryn felt taken aback by the complexity of his question. She inhaled deeply and twisted her lower lip. "It's not a matter of hate, Harry. It's a matter of betrayal. A matter of hurt. People feel as though Chakotay has hurt them deeply. Starfleet and Maquis alike can't help but feel that he has betrayed them in some way. Used them to forward his own gain."
"Gain? What on earth would he have to gain from betraying his friends and family? People that he's known and cared about all these years? You don't 'gain' anything when you're in Covert Operations. You sacrifice everything. You sacrifice your heart, your conscience, and very often your life. Many people believe that you gain some sort of glory when you become part of the teams, but the truth is you're a hero to many and a friend to none. You can't let yourself become involved with anyone, because you always have to be on your toes and never let your guard down. It's a lonely existence. Very lonely. And Chakotay...the Admiral…has lived it all these years…until Voyager…this crew…you…came into his life. He's protected us, cared for us…loved us…as friends and members of his own family. And now…when he needs us…we're turning our back on him. And why? Why Captain?" Another tear fell as the dam threatened to breach.
Kathryn pulled back from coolness of her desk as she felt herself grow cold with the words spilling forth from Harry's mouth. "We're not turning our back on him Harry."
Harry was trying very hard to keep his temper in check. He didn't need a severe dressing down from his Captain on top of everything else that had happened today. "Aren't we?"
"No." Kathryn's voice took on a defensive posture. "I'm sure people are just trying to sort out their feelings. No one hates him Harry. And we're not turning our back on him. I'm sure the whole ship is concerned about the Admiral's welfare."
Harry's voice grew sarcastic. "Sure they are." The tears stilled and his eyes grew dark as he felt his feelings for Chakotay well inside of him, challenging anyone, including his Captain, to talk ill of his hero. "People are whispering and taking bets as to whether or not his fall was an accident or whether he was pushed down that tube."
Kathryn felt her breath catch in her throat. *That was impossible!* She thought to herself. A member of her crew would never do such a thing! "What are you saying Harry?"
"Everyone knows B'Elanna tried to kill him the other day on the Holodeck. And Tom did threaten him."
Kathryn shot her hand up in disgust at the mere thought of what Harry was implying. Her Captain's voice took hold. "That's enough Ensign! Do you actually hear what you're saying?! You're accusing your two closest friends of attempted murder!"
Harry steeled himself to her attack. For once he wasn't going to back down without speaking his mind. "Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. Maybe it was just an accident. But the fact remains, Tuvok has posted Security Guards both in and outside of Sickbay. Now why would he do that if he didn't suspect fowl play?"
Kathryn's eyes narrowed at his suggestion. Words were straining in the back of her mind to get out, but she couldn't make any sense of them. She rubbed her temples in frustration. "Tuvok is just being cautious Harry. That's his job. Just like your job is to find a way to get the Doctor's program back on line. Tom needs to be relieved, and he can't be until Chakotay is out of danger, or until the medical holographic program is restored. Until then, the Comm…the Admiral…cannot be left alone."
Harry sighed and rose to his feet. He wasn't even sure the words that came forth then were his own. He vaguely heard them, and couldn't remember speaking them. "Then why have you left him alone Captain? He needs to know you're there…by his side…supporting him…like he's been for you. Even when the two of you disagreed about the Borg and Species 8472 he was there for you Captain…by your side. So why have you deserted him now? Why do you leave him alone, like he was before…before he met you…any of us? He's been alone for most of his life. Must he die alone as well?"
Kathryn could only gaze up at him with a stunned look on her face. She had never heard such harsh or profound words from Harry. Her heartstrings tugged once more. The young ensign in front of her, who had been fresh out of the Academy, and had at one time, been green and still wet behind the ears, had suddenly grown up. Grown up in a hostile environment, sixty thousand light years from home, away from family and friends he had known all his life…alone…save for his new family and friends on board Voyager… And now, his new family was turning away from him, leaving him alone to stand by and fight for the one man he still called friend…his hero…Chakotay. She felt her throat constricted with emotion and her voice cracked. "Harry…"
He looked down into her deep blue eyes and decided that he needed to address the woman and not the Captain. "Go to him Captain. Please…don't let him die alone…" He didn't wait to be dismissed. He needed to find B'Elanna and get back to work before his eyes clouded with tears permanently.
The ready room doors slid closed behind him, and Kathryn just stared at the place where Harry Kim had stood only moments before. His words hanging thick in the air. *Don't let him die alone…* Words spoken by young man, wise beyond his years. She lowered her head and closed her eyes to sort through her feelings for Chakotay once more. They'd been commanding officers together, friends…lovers… No matter how she felt about him now, perhaps Harry was right, she couldn't let Chakotay die alone…
********
Tom ran his fingers through his hair and threw his head back against the back of the chair in futility. Fifteen hours. Fifteen hours since they had found Chakotay on that staging platform at the bottom of that Jefferies Tube and still nothing. He studied the guards standing by the doors. *No doubt he's here to make sure I don't finish off what somebody else started.* He frowned suddenly. "I didn't just think that did I?" *Surely this was just an accident…* He rubbed his eyes. He needed sleep. He was beginning to imagine things. "Get a grip Paris…now you're imagining that someone actually tried to kill Chakotay over all of this mess… Next thing you know, you'll be imagining it was B'Elanna…" He shuddered instantly at the thought. Her phaser had only been set on stun that day on the Holodeck…hardly a worthwhile shot to begin with… Still… "Not a chance…she may be upset enough to hate him, but she'd never try and kill him…"
He rose and walked back over to Chakotay's bed. As Tom studied the face of his patient, the thought kept nagging at him…*surely this was just an accident…* He glanced towards the two guards at the doors, trying to convince himself that nothing had happened in that Jefferies Tube. *He's an Admiral…Tuvok is just playing it safe, protecting the highest ranking officer…* He frowned once more and rubbed his neck…his eyes narrowing and clouding with the images of the past several hours. They flashed before him like pictures in a holo-projector…Chakotay's body lying on a staging platform, 10 meters below him…still, cold, lifeless… The look on Chakotay's face as he became conscious upon returning to Sickbay, and the darkness of his eyes as he fought the pain wracking his body before he lost consciousness completely. Tom straightened suddenly as he remembered the words he barely heard from Chakotay's lips…*Be careful Kathryn…Trust no one…*
Tom stared down at him. "Now just what the Hell did you mean by that, Chakotay?" His mind started to ramble, when he noticed a slight movement out of the corner of his eye. He glanced down quickly and grabbed the tricorder. After scanning Chakotay, he placed his hand on his shoulder and gently squeezed as he leaned over close to speak. "Chakotay? Chakotay? Can you hear me?"
Chakotay struggled against the effects of the surgery, the concussion and the medications coursing through his veins. After several moments, his eyelids fluttered open and squinted at the bright illumination of the Sickbay lights. Tom noticed his discomfort and ordered the lights to sixty percent illumination. Chakotay's eyes tried to focus but to no avail. His voice was barely above a whisper. "Kathryn…"
Tom squeezed Chakotay's shoulder again and tapped his comm badge, thankful that the internal comm links had finally been restored. "Paris to Janeway. Report to Sickbay immediately." Her voice responded and Tom's lips formed a worried smile. "Hang on Admiral…She's coming."
Chakotay turned his head slightly in an effort to look at Tom, but the combination of his injuries and medications had left him too weak to hold his eyes open, and he lapsed into unconsciousness once more. Tom quickly checked the sensors for any anomalous readings, and satisfied that Chakotay was only sleeping, let his shoulders sag with relief. "Hold on my friend…"
Not more than a couple of minutes passed when the Kathryn's form walked through the doors to Sickbay. It was evident that her Captain's façade was in place by sheer determination. "Report…"
"He briefly regained consciousness only a few moments ago."
Kathryn looked down at Chakotay's sleeping form and placed her hand over the scar on his chest. "Did he say anything?"
"Yes Captain." Tom's eyes misted slightly as she looked up at him, impatience showing in her eyes. "He called for you…by name…"
Her lips quivered slightly at the impact Tom's words created, and she looked back down at Chakotay. "Is he? I mean…will he be all right?"
Tom took a deep breath. He wanted to be optimistic but he needed to be realistic. "To be honest Captain, I don't know. Time will only tell."
She flexed her hand over the scar, realized what she had done and pulled her hand back quickly to avoid touching it. Her nightmare was still too fresh in her mind to touch the one thing that would remind her of having his blood on her hands. She shuddered slightly and closed her eyes to keep from reeling. She leaned close to Chakotay's ear. "Admiral…"
Tom placed his hand on her shoulder and quickly interrupted her. "Captain…he called for you by name…don't you think you owe him the same consideration?"
She closed her eyes and nodded slightly. Sometimes Tom knew too much for his own good. "Yes…of course… Chakotay? Chakotay, it's me…it's Kathryn…"
At the sound of her voice Chakotay stirred slightly and turned his head, opening his eyes with a great deal of effort. She could barely hear him. "Kathryn? Are you all right?"
She forced a smile from her lips for his benefit. *Well one thing hasn't changed…Still thinking about me before all else…* "Yes Chakotay. I'm fine."
He seemed to form a guarded smile. "Remember…be careful…" He grimaced slightly as a sharp pain coursed through his body and his eyes closed once more.
Kathryn's felt her heart sink and glanced up at Tom in desperation. "Tom!"
Tom studied the tricorder and smiled. "It's OK Captain. He's just unconscious again. He's probably going to be in and out of consciousness for some time until his body has had a chance to heal more completely."
She sighed and touched Chakotay's cheek with the back of her hand before rising to stand next to Tom. "Good." She turned to face him and studied him for a moment before speaking. "What about you Tom? You look terrible. When was the last time you got any rest?"
Tom forced a laugh from his lips. "Rest? What's that? I haven't had any rest ever since we entered this quadrant…"
She glared at him. She was not in humorous mood. The best friend of the man standing before her had just told her off in her own ready room and the last thing she wanted to do right now was laugh at one of Tom Paris' ill timed jokes. "I'm serious Lieutenant. How long has it been since you slept?"
Tom caught the look of anger in her eyes and decided that he was too tired to argue about anything. "I really don't know Captain. Close to two days now, I think."
She frowned. She'd been so caught up in the series of events over the last few hours that she'd forgotten that the man that stood before her was standing by sheer determination and nothing more. Her gaze softened and she placed her hand on his chest. "Get some rest Tom. You'll be no good to him if you drop dead on your feet from exhaustion."
Tom straightened. He had seen Chakotay through the past fifteen hours, willing him, fighting him to stay alive and he wasn't ready to give in to exhaustion and sleep just yet. *I will not fail him…* "I'm all right. I just want to make sure he's out of the woods. With the Doc still off-line I can't take the chance."
"Tom…" Her own frustrations were beginning to show through her voice. "That's an order…"
Tom interrupted her. "Captain…With all due respect…I'm afraid I cannot comply by that order. Chak…The Admiral is still in critical condition, and I wish to monitor his vital signs to make sure he doesn't take a turn for the worse."
She studied him carefully. He was going to stand his ground. She couldn't help but wonder how two of her senior bridge officers, both so young, had practically grown up overnight without her even noticing. She sighed and patted his chest. "Very well. I see I'm fighting a losing battle…so I'll concede…this time. But the moment Chakotay is out of danger or the Doctor's program comes back on-line…you're confined to quarters for thirty six hours to get some rest. Do I make myself clear Lieutenant?" Tom lowered his eyes. She narrowed hers. "Tom…I'm serious."
He nodded slightly. "Yes ma'am."
She straightened and turned. "I'll be in my quarters…"
Tom looked up suddenly. "You're not going to stay here?"
She swallowed hard and closed her eyes briefly to avoid thinking of Harry's words…*don't let him die alone…* But the memories of his betrayal were still too fresh in her mind to put them aside. Tom still hadn't given Chakotay a good chance of survival yet. *Time will only tell…* But she couldn't ignore the obvious contradictions she'd been feeling anymore. She had decided that that's what she needed…time. Time to sort out her feelings for the man lying on the bio-bed next to her. "No…I still have a ship to run Lieutenant."
"Tuvok still has the bridge Captain. Don't you think you should stay here with Chakotay." The tone in Tom's voice was just short of harsh.
Kathryn passed the tone off as exhaustion and forced a small smile not wanting another confrontation like the one she had just had in her ready room. "I'll only be underfoot and I need to take care of some things first."
Tom's eyes narrowed this time as he looked at her, stopping her from passing. "Even after everything that has happened in the past eighteen hours you still can't face him can you?"
She turned on him. Her eyes flashing at the truth he spoke. "Careful Lieutenant. You're treading in dangerous water."
Tom looked at her and backed away to let her pass. His voice soft but his words strong. "Someone has to."
Kathryn bit her lip to keep from lashing out at him. She had enough sense to know that his patience and emotional fuse had worn thin. Her young pilot had not slept for close to 48 hours, had functioned as the ship's surgeon for over fifteen hours, and had performed brilliantly despite his fatigue. But it had cost him dearly. He would not soon forget this day, nor the images it had produced. For that matter, she herself, wouldn't soon forget… "I'll be in my quarters, Tom. Call me if he awakens again. But in the meantime, I have some things I need to work on."
As she walked past him, he didn't turn. But his voice was clear. She needed to know the truth. "Maybe you can work on your emotions Captain. And the fact that your nightmares cause you to talk in your sleep." She stopped dead in her tracks, as the doors slid open. He heard her gasp slightly and continued. His voice never faltered as he scanned Chakotay with the tricorder before turning to face her back. "Do you really hate him now Captain? Hate him enough to want him dead?"
She was still shaking and reeling from Tom's words as the doors to her own quarters closed behind her. Her knees buckling and her shuddering form sagging to the floor in a heap of warring emotions.
********
The hours continued to pass with no progress on restoring the Doctor's program. Harry and B'Elanna had been beside themselves in frustration. Their argument earlier resolved into a determination second to none. Harry wanted to save his hero. B'Elanna wanted to save Tom.
Tom was exhausted and at one point had finally succumbed to his sleep deprivation. He had not heard the ramblings of Chakotay as he had lapsed in and out of consciousness. When Harry had found Tom, he was slumped over the desk, his face tense even in his sleep. "Tom…Tom…wake up. It's Chakotay…"
Tom bolted awake. "What?"
Harry's voice was filled with concern as he glanced towards Chakotay's bio-bed. "It's Chakotay…I think he's trying to say something…but I couldn't make any sense of it."
Tom stood and walked over to the bed, picking up the tricorder quickly and checking the sensors. He frowned as he studied the readings. "Damn…"
Harry's face paled. "What's wrong?"
Tom twisted his lips and picked up a hypospray. "He's vitals are erratic again." He studied his patient and leaned over to try and understand what Chakotay was saying, barely able to understand him.
Chakotay's voice was raspy and his face twisted in the effort to speak. "Bendera…Seska…infiltrator…"
Tom frowned and shook his head slightly. "He's delirious."
"Is that normal?" The concern was more than evident in Harry's voice as he stared down at Chakotay and then to Tom.
"Under the circumstances…yes…but I'm more concerned about his vital signs at the moment. I just can't understand why they're not stabilizing…" He picked up the hypospray and placed it against Chakotay's neck and sighed in relief as the sensors calmed, and Chakotay's ramblings stilled.
Harry blinked back the tears that threatened his eyes as he stared down at Chakotay, trying to comprehend the ramifications of this whole ordeal. He looked at his friend and placed his hand on Tom's shoulder. "Tom…What I said earlier…about giving up…I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."
Tom smiled weakly. He was exhausted and still worried that he had not done everything that he could have done for Chakotay. He turned to Harry and returned the gesture. "I know…now… We've all had our emotions stretched a bit thin lately. Forget it. The important thing is that he's still alive and we need to keep him that way. Any progress on the Doc's program?"
Harry shook his head in resignation. "No. We've tried everything we can think of, but the cascading failures keep preventing a full restore. I'm sorry Tom. I know you're exhausted."
"Yeah…but sleep is a luxury I can't afford yet. I'm still concerned about his vital signs. The tricorder tells me one thing but the sensors indicate something totally different."
"How's that possible?"
"I wish I knew. I thought at first maybe I had failed to completely close off a blood vessel, but I've run dozens of scans and that's not it. Yet the sensors tell me that he's fighting for his life with every breath he takes. It's as if his cardio-vascular system is trying to shut down." He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "Harry…you've got to get the Doc back on-line. I don't know what else to do."
Harry squeezed his friend's shoulder. "You'll do what you've always done Tom. You'll keep trying and doing your best. In the meantime, let me get back to work…Call me if…"
Tom interrupted him with a smile of understanding and gratitude for Harry's words of encouragement. "I will…Tell B'Elanna I love her and I'm not giving up yet…OK?"
Harry smiled. "I will…but I think she already knows…" He lowered and placed his hand on Chakotay's shoulder and squeezed it slightly. "Just don't you give up, Admiral. Please…get well and soon…we still need to finish that Starfleet tradition…" Tom's eyes narrowed questioningly. Harry's eyes misted as his mind drifted back to a happier time over eighteen hours earlier. He was still looking at Chakotay as he spoke. "I just wish we could create a timewarp and go back…before all of this ever happened…" With that, he turned, blinking back his tears as he weakly smiled at Tom and walked out of Sickbay.
********
Tom sat there quietly, remembering the words his friend had spoken. *Timewarp…* He sighed. "Yeah…if only we could turn time back…" He was startled at a voice answering him.
"Then we'd only have to do this all over again…and quite frankly I don't think either of us is up to the challenge…" Chakotay's voice was barely above a whisper as he struggled against the pain and medications.
Tom gazed down at him and glanced at the sensors. The act had become second nature to him. He forced a smile. "Eavesdropping again, Admiral?"
Chakotay tried to smile but a grimace came forth instead. "Always, where you're concerned Paris."
"Well…my thoughts are private and I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of them." His face betrayed the forced seriousness of his voice as a smile formed on his lips.
Chakotay grimaced once more, and Tom picked up another hypospray. Chakotay shook his head slightly. "No…I'm all right. It was just a twinge."
Tom frowned. "Excuse me Admiral, but I think I'm more qualified than you to determine whether or not you need medication." He pressed the hypospray against Chakotay's neck and sat back waiting for the drug to take effect. "Besides…it's only a mild pain killer. It will help dull the edge."
Chakotay's eyes tried to focus on his surroundings. "Where's the Doc?"
Tom sighed and crossed his legs, folding his arms in front of him. "Off-line for close to twenty four hours."
Chakotay frowned as the realization took hold. "Who…?"
Tom smiled. "Me…so that's one more you owe me poocah. Your life is still mine."
Chakotay tried to laugh at the private joke between them. "Great…and you're the one that threatened to kill me only a few days ago."
Tom frowned. He was not amused. That was a memory he wanted to bury, and the events of the last several hours had made it very difficult to do so.
The look did not go unnoticed by Chakotay and he struggled for the strength to speak to the man sitting next to him. He didn't want to show Tom the pain he was feeling, so he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply to steel himself against the twinges. "Forget it Tom. We both said some things that we regret."
"Chakotay…if I'd known…"
Chakotay stopped him. "I said forget it Tom. Now that's an order." He winced and clenched his fists.
Tom looked at him and narrowed his eyes. "Chakotay?" He reached for another capsule.
"Please…Tom…don't. I doubt it would help anyway. How long was I out?"
"Not counting the few minutes you were awake when we got you back here…over eighteen hours." He placed his hand on Chakotay's chest and leaned closer. "How's the chest feel?"
Chakotay studied his young interim doctor. He could tell Tom wasn't going to fall for a lie and opted for the truth. "Well considering you already know the answer, I guess I can't pull the wool over your eyes…" He grimaced as the effort was more than he could control. "Ahhh…It hurts like hell…"
Tom placed the capsule in the hypospray and administered another dose of pain killers. "I imagined it would…I had to crack it open to get to your injuries. One thing I can say about you Admiral…"
Chakotay stopped him. "Tom…please…no titles…"
Tom's eyes flickered. "All right…Chakotay. One thing I can say is that you don't do anything half-assed… Sir…"
"That bad huh?" Chakotay forced a sly smile from his lips.
"Considering the Captain and I had to perform heart massage on you…yes…pretty bad. We almost lost you, Chakotay."
"Kath…the Captain…was here?" His mind racing to try and remember the look upon her face before he lapsed into unconsciousness.
Tom's face clouded. The emotional pain Chakotay was feeling was written all over his face. It didn't escape Tom's notice that there was a hint of longing in Chakotay's voice. *He still loves her with all his heart and soul…* He smiled and placed his hand on Chakotay's shoulder to reassure him. "Yes." He then sighed heavily and decided to fill Chakotay in on the last eighteen hours of his unconscious life.
Chakotay frowned as he listened to Tom recant the series of events. His thoughts went to Kathryn. How she must have felt having to hold his heart in her hands during the surgery. The thought sickened him. He knew she'd be haunted by that image for a long time to come, and he was filled with regret. *I'm so sorry Kathryn…I never meant to hurt you in any way…* His thoughts were brought back to the present as he heard Tom's words…
"And quite frankly, I kept hearing my father telling me that I'd fail. I thought my father had been right all along. When you didn't respond I just knew I had failed at everything I had ever tried to do…including saving your life…"
Chakotay studied him carefully. "I'm still here aren't I? You didn't fail, Tom. And despite what you think…you've never failed."
Tom lowered his head as the tears threatened to fall. "I failed you as a friend when I said those things to you on the holedeck, Chakotay. True friends don't wish death and pain on each other. Maybe my father was right…"
Chakotay's eyes narrowed. He sighed. His mind was beginning to cloud from the pain medication, and Tom needed to know something about his father. He fought the cobwebs and focused his eyes on Tom. "Tom…look at me…Look at me damn it! There's something you need to know…something about your father." A streak of pain shot through his chest and he shuddered. His voice strained. "Your father has always loved you…he's always tried to protect you…that's why he did what he did…"
Tom looked at Chakotay, trying to comprehend him. "Chakotay…you're delirious…"
Chakotay would not be put off and he grabbed for Tom's shoulder in desperation. "No! Listen to me Paris…What I'm going to tell you is the truth!" He grimaced once more.
Tom's eyes shot to the sensors. "Tell me later Chakotay. Right now you need to rest."
Chakotay's eyes darkened with resolve. His breaths quickened as the pain encompassed his chest and tightened like a vice. He had to make the truth known to Tom before it was too late…he was afraid he might never have another chance. His voice cracked as he struggled to speak. "Like Hell… The accident on Caldik Prime was no accident Tom. It wasn't your fault."
Tom pressed his hand against Chakotay's chest to still him. "I said you need to rest Chakotay. Now's not the time…" He reached for another capsule.
"Listen to me damn it!" He coughed with the effort, but shoved Tom's hand away. "Tom…you were meant to die in that accident… The mission was sabotaged…those men…you…all of you were supposed to be killed…"
"Yeah I know Chakotay. I should've died along side them…but I didn't…" Tom's words were sarcastic and filled with hurt and regret.
"No…It's not like that Tom…" Chakotay gasped suddenly as a sharp pain filled his abdomen, causing his muscles to tense. "Your father…" He clenched his fists again to try and control the pain overcoming him. The effort was becoming more than he could bear, but he had to continue… He had to tell Tom the truth.
Tom studied the sensors, placed his hand on Chakotay's arm to restrain him and pressed the hypospray against his neck. His lack of sleep was getting the better of his patience and his voice was harsh as he spoke. "I know all I need to know about my father, Chakotay. You're still in critical condition, and I will not have you exerting yourself, trying to tell me information I already know!"
Chakotay shook his head violently to try and fight the effects of the hypospray. "No…your father…he found out about the assassination attempt afterwards…" Another sharp pain coursed through his system causing him to cry out.
Tom gripped his shoulder in support. His face darkening with those last words Chakotay had spoken. "Chakotay…please…you're still in no condition…"
Chakotay raised his hand and dug his fingers into Tom's shoulder. Every ounce of energy was focused on telling him the truth. "Tom…listen carefully…please… Your father decided that the only way he could protect you effectively was to keep you under lock and key until the perpetrators could be found…" He grimaced once more and closed his eyes momentarily, trying to regain his composure. His next words were spoken through clenched teeth. "It was him, Tom. It was your father, Admiral Owen Paris, that ordered your incarceration. He didn't order the arrest warrant but he asked for it through his channels at Starfleet."
Tom stared at him in disbelief. "What are you saying Chakotay?"
Chakotay struggled for breath. His voice becoming raspy. "He wanted you out of harm's way. He loved you too much to lose you to a band of assassins… It was the only way he thought he could protect you…lock you up in the penal colony, under constant guard and supervision." He inhaled deeply and tightened his hold on Tom. "You're his only son Tom…and despite what he led you to believe, he was always very proud of you…he always loved you…" The effort had been too much and his eyes rolled back into his head, his voice stilling as the effects of the last hypospray took hold of his tormented body, and the blackness of unconsciousness overcame him once more.
Tom was stunned. He couldn't move. Couldn't speak. Could barely comprehend the words that Chakotay had spoken. He checked the sensors and closed his eyes. "Delirium…he's definitely delirious…" But as he sat there and watched Chakotay's breathing calm, something in the back of his mind told him that Chakotay had spoken the truth and it cut him to the core… *Why the hell would he tell me that?*
He sat there in silence. More awake and aware of his surroundings than he had been over the past eighteen hours. His entire life had just been changed by the words Chakotay had spoken and he was having a hard time adjusting, barely comprehending the ramifications of the truth Chakotay had told him… *you were meant to die in that accident…* He rubbed his temples. *Why? Chakotay… Why was I supposed to die?*
He didn't feel the tears fall from his cheeks. His senses had been dulled. Deadened when Chakotay had said those words…*It was your father, Admiral Owen Paris, that ordered your incarceration…He loved you too much to lose you to a band of assassins…*
********
More hours ticked off the chronometer. Chakotay had been in and out of consciousness, fighting the pain wracking his body. And with each hour, each twinge of pain, Tom grew more concerned that his patient was fighting a losing battle with time. Chakotay appeared strong enough to be on the mend completely, yet the readings were still erratic. There was no doubt as Tom studied the last set of readings. Chakotay's cardio-vascular system was slowly shutting down. He drew another sample of blood and placed it under the scope. "Maybe this time you'll tell me what's going on." He rubbed his strained eyes as he studied the slide once more. He suddenly narrowed them. His mind trying to digest what his eyes were seeing. Trying to comprehend the ramifications and staring in disbelief at the readings the scope displayed. He tapped his comm badge forcefully. "Paris to Tuvok. Report to Sickbay immediately."
********
Tom was pacing. His hands shaking as he held the slide. *Dear God no…This can't be happening…*
Tuvok entered quietly and approached Tom. "Report Lieutenant."
Tom motioned to the scope and held out the slide for Tuvok. He had checked and rechecked the last set of samples, as he had done so often in the last twenty-four hours, but this time they had revealed the truth. A horrible truth. He felt nauseous at the thought. The words stuck in the back of his throat. "Poison Tuvok. Chakotay has been poisoned."
Tuvok froze and they both stood there. Staring at each other. Trying to comprehend the words displayed on the screen before them. Both officers stunned into silence.
********
Tom started to tap his comm badge once more to summon the captain, but Tuvok caught his hand. "Not now Lieutenant. I will deal with Captain Janeway personally with regard to this issue."
Tom stared at him. His voice incredulous. "Tuvok…she's the captain…she had a right to know that a member of her crew has attempted to murder Chakotay."
"I'm well aware of that Lieutenant. But I will deal with the captain in private. Is that understood?" Tuvok's eyes were locked on Tom's.
Tom narrowed his eyes and turned back to the scope. "Whatever you say…sir…"
Tuvok raised an eyebrow at Tom's obvious resentment. "Lieutenant Paris…there are things that I am unable to discuss at the moment with regard to the Admiral's welfare. But rest assured, I will make the condition of the Admiral known to Captain Janeway. In the meantime, I must address the issue of how and when the Admiral was poisoned."
Tom studied the readings. "I'm not really sure…"
Tuvok tilted his head slightly. "Not really sure Lieutenant, or unable to tell me?"
Tom shot him a look filled with daggers. "What are you implying Tuvok?"
Tuvok straightened his shoulders and glanced at the guards by the doors. "Perhaps I should make my inquiry more clear. Did you poison the Admiral?"
Tom clenched his fists. He wanted to strike out at the arrogant Vulcan standing next to him. It took every ounce of reserve to hold his arms at his sides. "Now why would I do that Tuvok?"
"You had the motive…and you most certainly have had the opportunity." Tuvok's voice was calm but Tom could swear he saw a flash of fire in his eyes.
Tom's mouth twisted as he fought the rage consuming him. "You're right as always Tuvok. I did have a motive… And I've most certainly had the opportunity over the last three days…" He stepped closer, his face within inches of the Chief Security Officer's. "But despite what you think…do you think I would've fought so hard to save his ass only to poison him and ruin my handiwork?" His voice was low and menacing. His eyes threatened Tuvok to make a move. He was exhausted, frustrated and drained from the events of the last few days, and the words Chakotay had told him were burning into his soul. He thought inwardly as he felt his rage consume him, feeling a primitive instinct to lash out at something…*you have no idea how close you are to being a spot on that wall Tuvok…*
The guards stepped forward, their hands on their phasers.
Tuvok studied the eyes before him and sighed deeply, his hand motioning to the guards to hold their positions. His assumptions had been correct. He spoke evenly and forcefully. "Step back Lieutenant… I am not accusing you. I am merely narrowing the suspects."
Tom's eyes narrowed and he glanced quickly at the guards. He turned back to Tuvok. "Did you post the guards to make sure I didn't try anything?"
Tuvok glanced at the guards and motioned for them to return to their posts. "The guards were posted to make sure the Admiral's safety was not compromised due to the recent series of events."
Tom laughed, shaking his head slightly in amusement. "It's a little late for that don't you think? You should've done that the day we entered that damned anomaly!"
"Lieutenant Paris. Please control yourself. There is work yet to be done."
Tom glared at him. His emotions were beginning to go unchecked. "I've done everything I know to do Tuvok! I don't know what more I can do!"
Tuvok raised his eyebrow. "You can try Mr. Paris. That is enough."
Tom lowered his head and gripped the desk for support. "I have tried Tuvok… Nothing is working. His cardio-vascular system is shutting down slowly and no matter what I do I can't seem to stop it!"
"It is probable that the poison is the cause of his system failure. I suggest we concentrate our efforts on finding an antidote."
Tom raised his head. "We…Tuvok?"
"We…Lieutenant. In your present state of exhaustion, it is imperative that you have help. I will assist you with your efforts. In the meantime, it is necessary that we determine how and when the Admiral was poisoned, and more importantly, what kind of poison was used."
Tom rubbed his hands through his hair and looked down at the readings. He then rubbed his face and eyes and called up the last ten blood scans in an effort to find the answers. "Nothing. Each scan is negative until the last."
Tuvok stepped closer and gazed at the results. "When was the first scan taken Lieutenant?"
Tom thought hard for a moment. "Right after we got him here to Sickbay…but I didn't see anything that abnormal… Nothing that would indicate poison…"
"Perhaps, because you were not looking for the poison at that time. You were unaware of the effects until just a few moments ago."
"Tuvok…that was over three days ago. If that were the case, someone would have had to administer the poison to Chakotay sooner than that. The guards have been on duty ever since…and I certainly…"
Tuvok raised his hand. "I didn't say you did Mr. Paris… Still…it is possible for the poison to have been administered even before the accident. Mr. Kim indicated that Admiral Chakotay had been suffering from a severe headache just shortly before the accident in the Jefferies Tube. In your opinion, could this poison have caused that headache?"
Tom narrowed his eyes and gazed into the scope, calling on the computer to run another diagnostic. "Yes…I think so. In fact, it's quite possible that it could have impaired his reflexes and equilibrium. This may have been what caused him to fall those ten meters down the tube. If the headache had been severe enough, he may have lost his balance, perhaps even passed out from the pain. The poison appears to be breaking down the cardio-vascular system at the cellular level. But it's not fast acting. It's slow…very slow."
"In that case, we have to proceed on the assumption that Admiral Chakotay ingested or was forcibly given the poison prior to three days ago."
"Hell Tuvok…It could have been a week or more. I've never seen anything like this…"
"Explain Mr. Paris." Tuvok knitted his brows.
"There's no known antidote on file, but the properties are similar to another poison…" Tom inhaled sharply. "One that's Cardassian in nature…" As soon as the words left Tom's mouth, he stood in disbelief as he stared at Tuvok.
Tuvok's reaction was one of dismay. His face twisted slightly and his eyebrow raised. "Are you sure Lieutenant?"
"See for yourself… I'm telling you the truth… It has the distinct markings of being Cardassian, Tuvok." Tom moved the scope for Tuvok to view.
Tuvok was silent for a moment as he studied the screen. His mind computing and digesting the information before him. His face turned to stone. "Keep this information to yourself Mr. Paris."
Tom sighed. "Tuvok…Don't you think…"
"To yourself Lieutenant. That's an order. There is more here than meets the eye, and I do not wish to tip our hand just yet."
Tom looked at him and shook his head. "What happens if Chakotay dies? Don't you think that might tip our hand just a bit?" His sarcasm edging his voice.
Tuvok would not be swayed. "Your orders are clear Lieutenant. Not a word to anyone. Not even the captain. Is that understood?"
His response was terse. "Perfectly… Sir…"
"Good. Now tend to your duties of keeping the Admiral alive…and I will attend to mine. I will run a complete shipwide diagnostic of all internal systems."
Tom nodded and rubbed his eyes once more to clear the cobwebs. "Start with the food stores and replicators. That would be the most common form of administration and the least likely to cause suspicion. I just wish I knew when it happened… That way I'd be able to give you a better clue as to what…and who it may have been…"
"Thank you Mr. Paris, for reminding me of your investigative abilities." Tuvok nodded his understanding and turned to leave, pausing by the bio-bed. He slowly reached out and touched Chakotay's hand, closing his eyes briefly as he said a silent Vulcan prayer over his friend. He glanced up and found Tom looking at him with eyes filled with understanding and compassion. "Keep me apprised of his condition Lieutenant."
Tom stopped him as he walked past him. "Tuvok… I'll do everything I can to save him… I promise you that…"
Tuvok looked at him and for an instant Tom thought he saw a tear form in the Vulcan's eye. "I am well aware of that Mr. Paris…but…thank you…" He continued past Tom and walked into the corridor, the doors closing silently behind him.
Tom looked down at Chakotay and touched his shoulder. "Damn Chakotay… For a Vulcan to shed a tear you must be one Hell of a friend… I'm just sorry I didn't find out until it was too late… Hold on Chakotay…Please…just hold on…"
********
As Tuvok silently walked back to his quarters, every crew member he passed came under his scrutinizing glance. He would order the diagnostic of Voyager's systems from his quarters. Care had to be taken to avoid alerting the culprit. Everything would depend on the results of his findings. Not only was Chakotay's life was in danger but the life of Captain Kathryn Janeway… And she was also his friend. A close friend, whom he had sworn to protect. He remembered his promise to Chakotay…*Protect her Tuvok… No matter what else happens… Keep Kathryn alive…*
He sighed trying to control the emotions threatening his Vulcan stoicism. His friends were in danger…and his oldest friend was lying in Sickbay, fighting for his life, while his other close friend was wrestling with her human emotions over him.
The scans did not lie. Chakotay was near death, preparing to walk with his ancestors. He was an honorable man…a brave man. And it was only fitting that those near to him knew the truth. Tuvok could not allow Chakotay to die without honor. She who meant so much to him must know. For close to five years he had earned her respect, her passion…her love. She needed a clear and logical explanation. Tuvok knew he needed to remove the doubt and the judgments that had clouded her emotions for over a week. It was only fitting that she be allowed to grieve the man that Chakotay was, not the one she thought he had become. It was time, he decided. He would disobey his commanding officer's direct order and reveal the truth to his captain…his friend.
As the doors to his quarters closed, he regarded his next course of action carefully. He knew what he had to do. Tuvok sat down behind his desk and keyed in the security override command codes to initiate the diagnostic. He knew by doing so, it would silently alert Captain Janeway, and that was exactly what he wanted.
He studied the screen. Yes. She needed to be told. Told that she had not been wrong to trust Chakotay. It was time to let her know that the man she loved was still a man of honor. The web must be broken. It was time for the truth. Chakotay's death would need to be avenged…
********
Kathryn rubbed her temples and wiped the tears from her eyes. For the last several hours work had evaded her, despite her best efforts. She had hoped that the daily status reports would take her mind off Sickbay…off him…but they didn't. She couldn't concentrate. Couldn't focus her eyes on anything other than the file in front or her. No matter how many times she read and re-read the words of the story, the ending was the same… Chakotay was a Vice Admiral of Starfleet's Covert Operations Corps. Professionals. Trained in the fine art of assassination, espionage and betrayal.
She had been trying to come to terms with her feelings for Chakotay, his betrayal…and the countless lies he had told her over the past four and a half years. She had been hurt before…by Justin…by Mark… But the hurt had never been this bad. She had never felt about them the way she felt for Chakotay. He had become her life…a part of her soul…and no matter how hard she tried to reason that she still loved him…one fact now remained. She didn't trust him…and could never trust him again. How could she continue to love him knowing that?
The past few days had been a blur, filled with nightmares, regret, and anguish. How she wished she'd let him restore the personnel files that night, instead of insisting that she take care of it. How she wished that she had never remembered that damned encryption code that allowed her access to the deepest, darkest secrets Starfleet had to offer, and that Chakotay had to hide. And how she wished she could turn back time and avoid that spatial anomaly to begin with.
It had reeked havoc on the ship's internal systems for over two weeks, and now…with the Doctor's program still off-line…a life hung in the balance. The life of a man she had loved more than life itself… A man that had betrayed the one thing she never gave freely…her heart.
A sigh escaped her lips. She couldn't help but think this was an exact replica of the scene in her ready room several hours before. She halfway expected Harry Kim to show up at her door with Tom by his side. Both loaded for bear and ready to argue with her about the mistake that she was making, by not staying in Sickbay by her friend…her lover. She was not prepared for the message that came across her viewscreen. *Shipwide diagnostic ordered on all internal systems. Confidential security locks in place…*
She frowned. *What the Hell are you doing Tuvok?* She started to tap her comm badge and thought twice. *Confidential security locks…?* She rose from her chair. Some things were better discussed in person, within the privacy of one's own quarters. Her lips twisted and her eyes narrowed. "So be it. If the mountain won't come to Mohammed…then Mohammed will go to the mountain…"
********
As she walked into his quarters she saw that he had anticipated her arrival. He had prepared a pot of her favorite Vulcan tea, and he had lit a candle. Jasmine. *Chakotay's favorite…* she thought to herself.
Welcome. He wanted her to feel welcome. It was important then, whatever, no…she corrected herself, whoever he wanted to discuss. She knew already that it was Chakotay.
She straightened her shoulders when he turned to face her, silently motioning for her to take a seat. "What are you up to Tuvok? Why the internal diagnostic with the security locks in place?"
Tuvok poured a cup of tea and handed it to her. His face clouded and his jaw set firm. "Before I address that, I wish to tell you a story Captain."
She snorted in response. "I thought Chakotay was the storyteller, Tuvok, not you."
Tuvok sat down across from her, his eyes fixing upon hers. "Indeed he is. And, as what I have to tell you relates directly to the Admiral, I surmised that a story was a suitable vehicle. May I begin?"
She had nodded in response, curious, knowing that Tuvok would tell her about the diagnostic soon enough.
Tuvok remained silent for several moments before he inhaled deeply and began to speak. His voice low and calming. "This is a story of a man who I have come to call friend. A brave man, an honorable man. It begins almost 30 years ago. I fear that the story is reaching a final, unsatisfactory conclusion. I will not allow my friend's life to end without those he loved, you being chief amongst them Captain, understanding the events of the past, and how they shaped the events of the future."
Tuvok placed two small disks on the table between them. "I have two datachips which I will give you before you leave. One is from Chakotay. He asked that you be given it in the event of his death. I ask that you view it when you leave. The second is from your father. He charged me with ensuring you received it, should events unfold as they have."
Kathryn hadn't heard the last part of his declaration. Her mind was elsewhere and she stared at him. "What's going on Tuvok? What do you mean…in the event of his death?"
Tuvok sighed. He chose to avoid her question, knowing that she would not stay for the remainder of his story if he told her the truth about Chakotay's condition. "Please Captain. Allow me to finish."
He continued. "Thirty years ago, a cabal of Starfleet officers changed their allegiance. The particulars are complicated, suffice it to say that it was felt that there was the very real risk of a mutiny. Links were made to the Cardassian Empire. Power within Starfleet was being fought for. Fleet officers were preparing to destroy and betray the Federation in return for personal gain. Disappointed by careers that had not held the glories dreamed of, these disaffected individuals sold their souls to the enemies of the Federation. Their price would be paid when the final battle was won, when the Federation was no more."
"Individually they would not have presented a threat to the Federation, but collectively they possessed a surprising strength. Under-estimated by the Federation, ignored by their superior officers, their disappointments grew, festered...and they became strong."
"In deceit they exhibited talents that would have served the Federation well. Focused, careful, cautious yet vengeful. Their numbers grew, but still the threat was ignored."
"Two men recognized the danger for what it was, and began to respond, slowly. Determined to preserve the Federation at all costs, they began slowly recruiting an elite force. A force that was created to seek out and destroy the danger from within. They began to select those loyal to the Federation. Brave men and women, many of whom were to give their lives in order to protect what they believed in…Starfleet and the Federation. It was an extremely delicate operation. It was often ambiguous. No one could be trusted. The conspirators struck at every level of the Federation, and so plans were laid down for a particularly dangerous mission, one that was expected to take years to complete. A mole was to be planted and used to drive the conspirators into the open."
He poured himself another cup of tea. "At that time, I was teaching at the Academy, a post arranged for me. My orders were explicit. I was to select only the truly exceptional. Raw recruits passed before me daily, but few possessed the skills that were needed, or the strength. And then I met him. I knew straight away. His eyes were so calm, controlled...almost Vulcan. His voice was soft, yet he possessed a strength, a sense of self, a purpose."
"He had just turned sixteen. Only a few months into the Academy. They thought that he was too young, too inexperienced. Another candidate was available, he too showed promise. So the decision was made to train both. I made my allegiances known. I believed the candidate I had selected to be the superior. My decision would eventually cost him the loss of his father, his home world...and now you, Captain…his bondmate."
Kathryn shifted uncomfortably in her chair. She knew that Vulcan's took a mate for life. And for her to be referred to, as Chakotay's bondmate was a compliment above no other…but she still felt ill at ease with the reference.
Tuvok gazed at her and filed her cup once more. "The training was grueling; intense, harsh, unrelenting. He never gave up. He never failed us. His reputation grew. Test after test, mission after mission, his skills were proven to be exceptional."
Again she shifted.
"Another test of his allegiance to the Federation. He was taken captive by the Cardassians. A rescue mission was planned, and to which I was to play a part, led by your former fiancée Justin Tighe. We were successful but not before his body was tortured again and again. I knew he had been a good student, he had learnt his lessons well. He had mastered the dream-state before. That state of mind when the mind and body become separate. But the punishment had been relentless. Too much pain. He had wept openly. He had been ashamed. In his mind, he had failed. He had vowed to never again show his pain publicly. But he had passed the test. He never revealed his true allegiance to the Cardassians."
"Finally, the ultimate test devised by the conspirators. It was to be the final test. The loss of his home-world. But still, he kept true to Starfleet. And then the final question of the test asked and answered...they murdered his father. The conspirators believed that he would become one of their own. They believed they had recruited him. They told him to join the Maquis. We had told him to infiltrate the conspirators. He did as he was ordered."
Kathryn felt the blood drain from her face. She felt hot and tugged at the collar of her uniform. Tuvok rose and replicated a fresh pot of tea. He did not meet her eyes when she looked at him. Instead, he gazed out the viewport of his quarters. Silent for several moments before continuing.
"I continued to monitor his progress, even though another had been assigned to him. You remember Kurt Bendera? Also a long time friend of the Admiral. Bendera had been assigned to Chakotay's teams. He was an excellent soldier. Loyal to Starfleet, the Federation and to Chakotay. His death was a great loss to us both."
Kathryn's eyes narrowed. Her thoughts raced. *Bendera had been a Maquis… Just how many of the Maquis on board her ship were actually in C.O.?*
Tuvok turned to face her. "For several years the ruse worked. He was close now. The conspirators no longer suspected him. He was close to identifying them all. Then silence. We thought he had been eliminated. Others had in the past. His death would be costly to Starfleet and those of us sworn to protect it against the conspirators. He was a leader among men. We could not afford to lose him. Then finally, an encrypted message from Bendera was received. He spoke of a serious illness, a breakdown. There was no choice now as to the outcome. Chakotay had become a threat to his own kind. Bendera was ordered to eliminate him, before he gave us all away. Had the orders been carried out I would have resigned. He is sick, I argued. He needs our support. We have always had his…"
Kathryn felt her throat constrict with those last words. She swallowed another gulp of tea to steady her hands. *If you're trying to make me feel guilty Tuvok…you're doing a damned good job…*
Tuvok's voice changed, and Kathryn swore she heard it crack. "Bendera disobeyed. His allegiance was to his commanding officer, his friend. 'I will protect him with my life,' Bendera told me. Who would have thought that those words would be so prophetic?" Tuvok's thoughts drifted to the attack of the Kazon when Bendera had lost his life to an exploding Engineering panel. He sighed heavily. "The Admiral always did inspire loyalty in others. He still does."
Kathryn felt a tear begin to slide down her cheek.
Tuvok turned once more to face the viewport and gazed at the stars gliding by. "Another message was recovered. His first message in 6 months. But he had changed. Orders had not been followed. I was ordered to seek him out. Establish his allegiance… He was easy to find. At least for me…his tutor, his friend… 'What took you so long, Tuvok? I was expecting you yesterday.' Our greeting. The first conversation we'd had in over five years. He had changed. He was angry, yet sorrowful. Bitter, and somehow brittle. Marked. The young boy had gone. An angry man stood in his place. 'I can do no more,' he had told me. 'My allegiance is spent. Stay if you wish. Kill me if you must.' An invitation I chose not to accept. He refused to come back. I refused to leave him. He inspired that kind of fierce loyalty even in me. He knew others would come after him. But he refused to leave."
Kathryn's eyes studied the back of the Vulcan that had so long been her friend and confidant. She rose and approached him, standing to the left of him, and placed her hand on his shoulder. "Oh Tuvok…"
Tuvok twisted his mouth slightly and continued once more. "I stayed to view him. He was still ill. Hallucinations. Memories from the past. A horrible past. 'They made me scream in public, Tuvok..' I remembered, I had been there to rescue him that first time. Well aware of his pain and telling him of his grace and courage under fire… Words I still often repeat to him…"
"But gradually, as he healed, his allegiance to Starfleet and the Federation became foremost in his mind once more. And through it all, he remained true to his beliefs. Over the years, I have seen him assassinate enemies of the Federation, and then say a prayer for their souls. He never enjoyed the killing. And now, it had left him a marked man. He had become consumed with pain and regret. He stopped smiling…" He turned and fixed his eyes on hers to drive his point home. "But I see him smile now Captain, for you…"
The tear that had fallen down her cheek had multiplied. She removed her hand from Tuvok's shoulder to wipe her face.
Tuvok turned his gaze back to the stars. "The story does not end there, Captain. After we had been pulled into the Delta Quadrant, he had ordered me to remain silent. 'No one need know of this,' he had told us…myself and Bendera. 'Continue as before…' Then Seska was found…her true allegiance to the Cardassians discovered… And then Bendera was killed. We knew. Someone else was on board... We discovered the explosion of the panel had not been an accident. It had been sabotage. There was no doubt in our minds that if the Kazon had not attacked when they did, the panel would have been exploded at a later time. All threats to the conspirators must be eliminated…they had chosen Bendera to be the first. The attack by the Kazon only served as the catalyst."
Kathryn was stunned. She held her breath.
"Later, when Seska was killed, we felt that the threat to Starfleet, to this ship, to us…to you…had been eliminated. We could breathe easier. But we were mistaken. Our greatest fears had been realized. There was someone else on board Voyager that was part of the conspiracy…we just didn't know whom."
Kathryn glanced out the viewport…those words that had struggled so hard to get out earlier in her ready room now came crashing to the surface… "Trust no one…"
Tuvok raised his eyebrow. "Excuse me, Captain?"
Kathryn looked at him quickly. "Trust no one. That's what Chakotay told me in Sickbay right after the accident… He said…Be careful, Kathryn…Trust no one."
Tuvok sighed heavily. "Yes…Trust no one… It is a call sign."
"Call sign? What do you mean?"
Tuvok studied her face carefully. "It means Captain…Enemy infiltrator…proceed with extreme caution. Terminate with extreme prejudice."
The words rang in her ears. "Are you saying this someone…this infiltrator is still on the loose? Able to sabotage any of the internal systems? Or worse…kill someone else, like they did Bendera?"
Tuvok raised his eyebrow. "Yes. What I am about to tell you, must not go any further than this room Captain. It is necessary to maintain utter secrecy on this matter, until I can determine who the infiltrator is."
Kathryn nodded in agreement. "Of course…"
Tuvok prepared himself for the effects the next words would bring. "The Admiral…Chakotay…has been poisoned. I fear that it was administered to him several days ago. It is a slow acting synthetic agent, similar to a poison used by the Cardassians as a means of torture. It destroys the cardio-vascular system by breaking it down at the cellular level. It will then attack the neural pathways, causing coma and eventual death. The process is extremely slow and painful, rendering the victim helpless. At the moment…there is no known cure listed on the database…"
Kathryn felt the blood completely drain from her face and fell forward into Tuvok's arms. ********
Tuvok sat next to his friend and touched her shoulder gently. "Captain?"
She groaned. Her stomach heaving somersaults as she slowly opened her eyes to his voice. "What…What happened?"
Tuvok handed her a glass of water. "You fainted."
"How long was I out?" She struggled to sit up.
Tuvok helped her to lean against the back of the couch. "Only several minutes. How are you feeling?"
"I'm not sure…My head is swimming. I just can't believe everything you've told me."
"I understand it is a great deal of information to digest all at one time. But Captain, my orders are clear. The Admiral required that on his death you be allowed access to a set of logs he kept that described the rather unique position of the crew on this ship." He handed her the datachips that he had placed between them on the table earlier. "Whilst he is not yet dead I feel it is appropriate that you have the opportunity to see the situation as he saw it. Perhaps then you will be in a better position to understand his actions."
"How Tuvok?"
"Captain…it has been my honor, my privilege to serve with Admiral Chakotay for close to three decades. When we first met he was a young boy, barely fifteen years old. A great future was predicted for him. However, the events that transpired, of which I spoke to you, were to change the path Chakotay walked forever. You remember the group of senior Starfleet officers that had become suspicious of a number of their colleagues?"
She nodded. Her mind trying to interpret what he had told her only moments before. She suddenly felt a sense of depth of the conspiracy, and the lengths that had been taken to protect the Federation. "Yes… Who were they Tuvok? Who foresaw the danger? Who orchestrated the counter attack?"
Tuvok rose, took a sip of tea and turned back to face her. "Admiral Owen Paris and your father… Edward Janeway."
********
She had left after that. Reeling from the words Tuvok had spoken. So many years…so many years her father had been silent on the work he had been doing for Starfleet and the Federation… Her hand clutched the datachips within it. *The second is from your father. He charged me with ensuring you received it, should events unfold as they have…*
She sat down behind the desk in her quarters once more. "Oh Daddy…why didn't you tell me?"
The tears formed as she inserted the datachip and began to read his words. Words written over fifteen years ago…to be read now…at a time like this…by her eyes, and her eyes only.
*My dear Kathryn…my Goldenbird… If you are reading this, no doubt Tuvok has explained events to you that warrant extreme care and caution on your behalf. Members of a dark force, in alliance with the Cardassians and all enemies of the Federation, have threatened to destroy Starfleet as well as the Federation. Many high ranking Starfleet officers, some of which have been your commanding officers over the years, have sold their souls to the highest bidder, in return for information vital to the destruction of the very foundation and principles Starfleet is built upon. It is necessary for you to know that your commanding officer Admiral Owen Paris and I have recruited an elite corps of men and women dedicated to crushing this threat. Many lives have been lost in this battle, and many more will be sacrificed before the threat is destroyed. No doubt you have or will come in contact with certain members of this corps as you continue to fulfill your duties as a Starfleet officer. At times their methods may appear to be ruthless, but it is important for you to understand that these individuals must not be judged by their actions. Their orders are clear. Destroy the threat. Preserve the Federation and Starfleet at any and all costs. These individuals are ready to lay down their lives for what they believe in… What we all believe in… What you, my Goldenbird, have sworn to obey… Starfleet. I have been very proud of you. I regret not seeing you fulfill your dream of becoming an officer aboard a Starship vessel. There is no doubt in my mind, that you have performed your duties admirably. You have always been determined and stubborn. Dedicated to causes you believe in. Willing to fight for what you believe to be right. You have always followed your mind Kathryn, now I ask that you follow your heart. Listen to Tuvok. Follow his instructions in this matter. Remember always that I love you. Be careful Kathryn… Trust no one…*
She buried her head in her hands, sobbing for her father and the dream he had fought to preserve…Starfleet.
********
It was some time, as she sat there in silence and the dark of her living room, before she removed her father's datachip. She had wanted to burn her father's words into her mind. Etch them forever in her memory. Her eyes were clouded with tears as she raised the datachip to her lips and kissed it softly. Her hand caressing it gently. As if the mere touch would bring her father back to her. She closed her eyes to the image of the shuttle sinking beneath the polar ice cap on Tau Ceti. "Oh Daddy…I loved you so much…Why did you have to die so soon?"
She slowly placed the datachip on her desk and glanced at the second one. Chakotay's datachip. She sighed and picked it up gingerly. She fondled it carefully, her eyes studying it, scrutinizing it for flaws. She couldn't help but think, *once burned, twice shy…* The last time she read a file of his, her heart had been shattered by the words she had read. She felt her heart sink as she placed it in the drive and keyed in the security code Tuvok had given her. Never before had she felt so unsure about what she was about to read. Tuvok had said that Chakotay's datachip contained information on Voyager and its crew. Information that he had compiled over the past five years. She inhaled deeply and fixed her eyes on the screen.
Five years of information did not read quickly and she found that close to six hours had passed before she finished reading the file. It was all there. Information on every single crew member. Observations. Remarks. Everything. Including information about her. As she read the data he had compiled on her, it became evident that from the very beginning, he had become biased where she was concerned. He had done little to hide his love for her. If one didn't know her, had they read this file, they would've assumed she could walk on water. In his eyes, she could do no wrong. She opened another encrypted file, gazing at the screen through emotions she had buried only days before…
She exhaled a breath she didn't know she was holding as she saw him on the screen.
"You want to know why." His immediate declaration surprised her, consumed her. Direct to the heart of the problem. "You want to know why." She checked the alignment of the chip. Was there a problem with it, or had Chakotay just repeated himself?
"Shit Kathryn, I wish I could answer your question. I know you have a ton of them right now, but all you really want to know is why. If you're watching this, then it is with my deepest regrets that you have come to view this file. I am dead. I hope it was a good death, with some meaning." He smiled hopefully... "If not, then I hope it was quick." Kathryn felt her heart plummet. Her mind racing to the words Tuvok had spoken to her…*It will then attack the neural pathways, causing coma and eventual death. The process is extremely slow and painful, rendering the victim helpless…* She looked back at his face on the screen through tears and managed to smile. In all that had happened, noted Kathryn, he had never lost *that* sense of humour.
"No doubt, that with my death, Tuvok has spoken with you regarding the matters that have concerned this ship since its inception, and my involvement with the Federation and Starfleet. So many times I have tried to tell you the truth. The truth about my past. The truth about this ship. The truth about Starfleet and the Federation. As Captain of this vessel you were entitled to that. As my closest friend, I owed you that. But circumstances dictated that I keep the information from you, and likewise, ordered Tuvok and Bendera to do the same."
"Circumstances Kathryn. It was all about circumstances. Everything that happened just happened. One minute your Father was telling me that I was going to save the Federation, the next you were offering me the Exec seat on Voyager… Look, I am not explaining this very well. Look at my personal logs, your access code will work as long as I have been officially recorded as dead. There are some answers in there I guess… My thought processes at least."
"Tuvok can fill you in on the details, but be careful, despite what they would have us believe, Vulcans do have feelings too, and I guess that guilt will be chief amongst his. The simple truth is that I was a sacrifice to save the Federation. Don't get me wrong, I am not taking the role of victim here, I pretty well knew what I was getting in to. I had never belonged anywhere, always the contrary, but at Starfleet I was good, really good. I had a busload of Admirals telling me that. I was only 17 when this began, so the first five years of this little adventure owe more to my adolescent testosterone levels than any latent skill. I was THE best. Better than Justin Tighe, forgive me, but I never liked him. Your taste in men improved as you grew older, in my opinion."
"But I digress. Let me get back to the reason you're viewing this file…answers…"
"In the early days here in the Delta Quadrant it became necessary to deceive you and the crew in order to maintain our cover. But later, when another conspirator was found, the deceit became a necessity…to protect you. Your loyalties were never in question. You have always held faith in Starfleet, the Federation and the beliefs that they stood for. You are your father's daughter. He talked about you a great deal. You were his pride and joy. I never actually met you, but I felt as if I knew you. I used to look at your picture on Edward's desk, and think about how beautiful you were. Tighe used to boast about you all the time… another reason to hate him…he had you. Your father would have been proud of what you have become and the status you have achieved as a Starfleet officer and Federation Starship Captain. He had always spoken of his desire to see you achieve those captain's pips you wear on your collar. I'm sure he would be proud. Your father was a brave man. He was a pillar among men. A shining example of what every Starfleet officer should be. I regretted his death deeply. And still do, to this day. He was my commanding officer. He was my friend. I liked your father. I wasn't his first choice, but he was good to me. Your father asked me once to watch out for you. You were not to know of the conspiracy, both you and Tom were thought to be at risk because of your fathers' involvement. *Don't let anything happen to Kathryn, Chakotay.* Edward told me. I guess this whole mess was about that. I've always tried not to let anything happen to you."
"I treated you as this passive little thing…how wrong could I be? My reasons were well intentioned. I was doing as your father asked. I couldn't walk in to your ready room and take over. But I made him a promise as well as Owen Paris, years ago when I began my mission…I would protect their children at any and all costs. With my life if necessary. Those members assigned to my teams took the same oaths. We lived our lives by those oaths. We believed in them. We believed in the cause we were fighting for. We believed in Starfleet, the Federation…and we believed in your father and Owen Paris."
"So I watched, tried to help. But I didn't watch myself, and before I knew it, I had fallen in love with you. When could I have told you? How could I have told you?"
His words continued to spill forth. Explaining to her in his own words, what Tuvok had told her earlier. He had been undercover the entire time. Trying to capture a Cardassian sympathizer, perhaps more treacherous than Seska. They had not been successful in their search. Many leads, but all dead ends…whoever or whomever it was, was an expert at covering their tracks… The risk was still there… She must now continue as she had before…protect her ship and her crew…but not from an alien race from some far off hostile world…no. This threat was the worst kind of all…she had to protect Voyager and her crew from an enemy within…
"There I go again, trying to justify myself. Enough. I did what I did. I regret many things. But I did one good thing with my life. I loved you. I still do. I always will. I only wanted to protect you. I never meant to hurt you or cause you any pain…You have been my sole reason for living. You have been my life, my heart…my soul. I only wish that I could hold you in my arms once again and kiss you tenderly. Perhaps one day, if the Spirits are willing we will walk together again, holding hands and I can caress your cheek and lips with loving kisses, as I have in the past. Listen for me in the wind, Kathryn. I will never leave you.… Please remember, my Kathryn, now and always…I love you… Listen to Tuvok… Follow his guidance and countenance. Be careful, Kathryn…trust no one…"
Tears that she thought had dried, once more welled in her eyes and spilled forth down her cheeks. She touched the screen with her fingertips, her hand trembling as she did so. "Oh Chakotay…If only you'd told me sooner…"
As the tears fell, she closed her eyes to the realization. Despite everything, the lies, the deceit, the betrayal…she still loved him with all her heart and soul. She would not let him die alone… She would not let him die period…
She glanced at the chronometer. No doubt Tuvok had taken her shift on the bridge and had chosen not to call her. He knew her too well. *But then, he's a close friend isn't he?* She smiled slightly at the thought. She would talk to him when things quieted down. She would apologize to him. She would apologize to them all…Tuvok…Tom…Harry…and B'Elanna… But right now she knew there was only one person she needed to talk to, apologize to, profess her love to…Chakotay. Her life, her love, her soul…
She rose from her desk and quickly exited her quarters. Her body shaking with the thought that she may already be too late…
********
He had wanted to leave sickbay. His pain was getting stronger, more profound. He knew that Tom was doing everything in his power to save him, but the effort of trying to disguise each spasm that struck him was overwhelming. He wanted to rest, to have the chance to be at peace...to overcome his demons, and to say goodbye.
There was little that Tom had so far been able to achieve, and he sensed Chakotay's need for his own space, but he would not relent. He would not allow Chakotay to leave. He wanted to keep him where he could help him if the pain got to be too much. "Chakotay…I can't."
"Please Tom… Let me go. Let me be alone with my thoughts, in my own quarters, in private. Please…just let me die in peace…" His voice cracked with emotion and pain as he lowered his head, avoiding Tom's eyes. Despite their battles over the years, the last several hours had brought the two of them closer together as friends…and Chakotay wanted to avoid causing him any more distress. In his heart he knew, Tom's efforts were futile. The poison was too effective…it would not be long now…and his pain and the pain he had caused his friends, the crew…and Kathryn, would cease…and he would finally be at peace…
The tears that sprung in the eyes of Voyager's temporary medic surprised Chakotay. Tom's voice was harsh. "No! I need to monitor your vitals, and be there if you need something for the pain."
Chakotay smiled weakly. "You worry too much Tom. The pain is not that bad." As he spoke, he was aware of a fresh assault on his senses. He gripped the edge of the bio-bed, forcing himself to concentrate on his breathing. It was becoming more difficult to think. His mind wandered. A memory invaded his senses, Kathryn lying dead in his arms, him urging her to fight it, to breathe. *It will be your undoing.* Another forgotten memory. *You are not alone…* Forgotten words…an ancient memory of love lost… Alone…he would die without her knowing the truth…without ever holding her in his arms again… He closed his eyes to the tears that threatened…he would die alone…never to taste her sweet lips again…
Tom placed the hypospray against the side of Chakotay's neck, and erected the privacy shield. His hand firmly gripping Chakotay's elbow to support him, glaring at the security guard that had instantly materialized around the shield the moment it had been erected.
"Oh cool your jets…the Admiral needs some privacy…" Tom narrowed his eyes dangerously at the guard, and harshly jerked his head towards the door. The guard studied the scene before him, and satisfied that Tom wasn't planning an assassination, nodded curtly and retreated to his post by the sickbay doors.
Tom glanced back at his weakened patient with deep concern in his eyes. "Chakotay, please… Lie down."
Chakotay pushed Tom's hand away. "No… I'm all right. Just give me a minute to regain my thoughts." He grimaced again, clutching the bed to keep from falling. Tom had placed his arms around Chakotay then, steadying him, unable to relieve his pain, able only to witness it. They had both shed tears now. Struggling with their emotions, and each filled with regret. When they parted, they had looked deep into each other's eyes and Chakotay forced a smile, the pain subsiding long enough to allow him to speak. "Thank you Tom…for everything. You should be proud. I know your father would be. As I am... Never forget that he loves you... And never forget that I was proud to know you...and call you my friend..."
Tom placed a hand on Chakotay's shoulder, squeezing it firmly. "Chakotay…I want to tell you something…" He pressed forward through Chakotay's denials. "Please…You need to talk to her… talk to her before…" The rest of the sentence remained unspoken, a chasm between them. Guilt on one side, regret on the other.
"Before I die." There, he had said it. That wasn't so bad. "I wish I could… Has she been here since the surgery?" His memory was clouded. He could not remember when he remembered seeing her blue eyes last. Everything was a blur. A painful blur. A regrettable memory.
Tom lowered his head. He wanted to lie to Chakotay. To tell him that she had been there constantly. By his side, urging him on, pleading with him to come back to her, praying for him to live…but when he raised his head to speak, he knew Chakotay could see right through him. "Yes…but she refused to stay… I'm sorry, Chakotay… I tried…"
"It's not your fault Tom… It's mine. I should've told her long ago. I just didn't have the guts to…" He closed his eyes as the pain assaulted him once more, his knuckles turning white as his hold tightened on the bio-bed.
Tom placed his hand on Chakotay's shoulder. "Chakotay…please…lie down and rest. I'll call the Captain. I'm sure she'd come if she knew…"
Chakotay's eyes misted with remorse and regret. "That's O.K. Tom. She doesn't need to know. Besides, I've hurt her too deeply. It's evident that she doesn't want to be here willingly. She's always hated death. I won't hurt her anymore by putting her through the agony of watching a member of her crew die…" *Just hold on a little longer,* he had told himself. *Just get through the next few hours, and no one will see your pain. Not like on Cardassia Prime.*
Weakness he had called it. Bravery said Starfleet. Courage and grace said Tuvok.
The memory of being publicly tortured had burned itself into Chakotay's mind. *I won't let anyone see my pain…* A promise to himself, unbroken until now.
********
Neither one of them had heard her enter, or quietly dismiss the guard to the other side of the door. She had heard them. She had heard every word that they had spoken. Tears welling in her eyes as she listened to the harshness of their voices. She stepped around the privacy screen. "Oh Chakotay, is that what you think? That you're just another member of this crew to me?"
The words had not finished leaving her lips when the pain ravaging Chakotay's body went out of control. He released his hold on the bio-bed, collapsing to his knees, screaming from the pain. His hands clenched to the sides of his head.
He had felt arms around him then. Felt himself pulled into a gentle embrace, a lover's touch. Her familiar scent surrounded him, calmed him, soothed him.
He gazed into those deep blue eyes, as tears fell from his own. "It hurts so much, Kathryn…" He had told her. Admitting to her what he had tried so hard to deny.
She responded by cradling his head in her lap…kissing his brow. Stilling his words with her lips as she kissed him tenderly. "Sssh Chakotay… Rest… I'm here… I won't leave you again…"
He fought against another spasm and gripped her hand in his. "Please…Listen to me…You have to know…"
"I do know Chakotay…Tuvok told me everything…" Tears streamed down her cheeks as she pulled him to her breast, stroking his hair and cheek. Gently kissing him once again.
Chakotay shuddered and looked up at her, his eyes betraying the pain he was trying to quell. Beads of sweat had formed on his brow from his efforts and she gently wiped them off. His voice cracked with emotion as he struggled to speak. "No… There's more. You must know… Of all the lies that I've told to protect what I believe in… Starfleet… The Federation… I never lied to you when I told you I loved you Kathryn…" Another spasm, his hand gripping hers, his eyes slowly closing to the words she was speaking to him…
"Hold on Chakotay…I love you…You must hold on…"
Tom's eyes were clouded as he pressed the hypospray into her hand. "Here…if the pain gets to be too much…" Her eyes meeting his, silently acknowledging him, thanking him. Tom couldn't see through his own tears as he slowly backed away from his commanding officers. "Stay…" His eyes locked on hers, silently revealing the truth to her… *Stay with him Captain… There's not much time left… It won't be long now…*
She nodded, understanding the full impact of his words and suddenly regretting ever leaving Chakotay's side in the first place. She had wasted precious time sorting out her own emotions, and now even if there was enough time to tell him, he would not be able to understand her through the pain ravaging his body. She hugged Chakotay tighter, tears streaming down her face. "Oh Chakotay… Please…hold on… I love you… I love you…"
********
As Tom drew the privacy screen closed his thoughts raced back to the moment before. Chakotay's pain was getting worse, stronger with each spasm, and there was less time between each episode...less time. Less time. The key? He had become immersed in the revelation...this could be the solution, the cure. It was all to do with time…
********
He had refused to be moved. He wanted to remain in her loving embrace. His body wracked in pain, shuddered with each breath. She cradled him in her arms, softly speaking to him. Silently praying that he could understand her, but she knew in her heart he could not. He was unconscious now. His breathing labored and shallow. Tears streamed down her face as she felt him slipping away from her. Her lips grazed against his cheek, pulling his shaking body closer to her breast as she stroked his tattoo.
"I love you so much…please don't leave me…please Chakotay…I need you…"
********
She didn't hear them come in. Her senses were focused on the unconscious body in her arms. She didn't feel Tuvok's hand on her shoulder, gently squeezing it to draw her attention away from his commanding officer and friend. When she did turn to face him, their eyes met and she saw what Chakotay had spoken about…guilt. Never had she seen it in his eyes. Never had she felt closer to him than at this very moment.
As Tom and Harry gently pulled Chakotay away from her and placed him on the bio-bed, she gazed into Tuvok's eyes and felt over thirty years of respect, loyalty, and friendship wash over her. She knew then, that Chakotay had been right. Vulcans did have feelings. Deep feelings for those they cared about. She felt his arms around her then. Drawing her into the embrace of a friend. Comforting her. Calming her. Preparing her for the inevitable.
She heard Tom's voice. It seemed distant. The words echoed through her head.
"Captain…Captain?"
She turned to face the voice. She felt Tuvok's hand on her shoulder once more, giving her strength. "Yes Tom." He mind was clouded with memories…fragments of happiness…bittersweet moments over the past five years…
"Captain…I think I may have a solution that will delay the effects of the poison."
Her mind cleared instantly. "Are you sure?"
Tom glanced at Harry and B'Elanna then back to her. "As sure as I can be…I think…no I believe…that if I place Chakotay in stasis, I can slow the degeneration of the neural pathways and cardio-vascular system."
Tuvok's eyebrow raised. "A very logical summation, Mr. Paris."
Tom smiled. The Vulcan's momentary lack of control in hiding his emotions a moment earlier had not gone unnoticed. Tom found it amazing he had been able to regain his composure so quickly. *But then…that's what makes you a Vulcan…* "It's not a cure, but maybe it will buy us some time until we can find one…or until we can get Doc's program back on-line…"
B'Elanna studied her fiancée. "Are you sure Tom? We can't take any chances."
Tuvok spoke. "Placing the Admiral in stasis is a very plausible alternative to the situation at present Lieutenant. Mr. Paris' idea is warranted, and should alleviate the pain the Admiral is experiencing as well as hinder the effects of the poison."
********
Harry watched in silence as the scene unfolded around him. Chakotay had been placed in the stasis chamber, and he looked on as his Captain took her First Officer's hand in hers and slowly bent down to kiss him on the lips. He felt the tears sting his eyes as he followed her movements. Her Captain's façade had been replaced momentarily by the façade of a woman in love. The façade of someone desperately trying to hold onto the one that they loved more than life itself. He heard her speak words of endearment and courage to the man lying unconscious in front of her. He saw Tom take B'Elanna and wrap his arms around her in a loving embrace, giving her strength to endure the hardships ahead. He watched as Tuvok's eyes misted slightly as he said a Vulcan prayer. He felt the tears slide down his cheeks as Tom raised the shield on the chamber, activating the technology that could possibly save his hero's life. His eyes were fixed on Chakotay's face. Even in a deep sleep, imposed by medication and stasis, Chakotay looked strong…like a hero… Those damned words came flooding back into his memory once more…*let's do the timewarp again…* He didn't hear his own voice. "Timewarp…"
B'Elanna glanced at him questioningly. "Harry? You alright?"
Harry couldn't focus. His eyes glazed with tears. "Timewarp…It's like he's in a timewarp…"
Tuvok raised his brow once more… "Interesting analogy Mr. Kim…but quite accurate nonetheless…"
Kathryn finally pulled her eyes away from the chamber and looked at the four individuals standing close to her… "We need to finish this Tuvok. We have to find whomever, or whoever did this to Chakotay."
Tuvok turned to her. His voice calm but firm. "That is our objective Captain. But need I remind you that this cannot become a vendetta. There is more at risk here than the Admiral's life."
Her face became frozen. Her voice iced. "This is not a vendetta Tuvok. Nor will I let it become a witch hunt. I want answers. I want to know who did this and why."
Tom, B'Elanna and Harry stood rigid as their commanding officers waged a war of wits in front of them.
Tuvok would not be swayed. "Captain…we will find the answers you seek. But we must remember the Admiral's orders. Despite the latest turn of events, it is imperative that the protection of this ship and this crew take priority."
"Don't you think I know that? That has always been my foremost objective. But at the moment, the person or persons who did this are running loose on my ship. If they are able to get to Chakotay, to do this, then who will be next? What system will they try and sabotage? Another engineering panel like the one that killed Bendera? Replicators? Life support? No…this is not a vendetta Tuvok…this is war…"
Tuvok sighed and studied the faces in front of him. They too wanted answers. He needed to tell them the truth as he had the Captain. He would have to deal with Chakotay's wrath later. At the moment, the Captain was right…this was war…and it needed to be won before it claimed any more victims…
Tom narrowed his eyes as he looked at Voyager's Chief Security Officer. "Tuvok? What's going on?"
Tuvok's face was stoic. "War Mr. Paris. Just like the Captain alluded to… And at the moment, we have to proceed with extreme caution…"
B'Elanna quipped. "As if we'd proceed any other way…"
Tuvok nodded slightly. "You, Lieutenant, due to your nature as a Klingon have a history of proceeding without caution."
B'Elanna turned on him. "This is not about me Tuvok! This is about some lunatic who has managed to poison Chakotay! And what the hell do you mean, *like the one that killed Bendera*? Are you saying…"
Harry put his hand on her arm to still her. "Tuvok? What is this all about?"
Tuvok looked at the Captain, seeking her approval before proceeding. "Preserving a dream Ensign Kim…"
Harry tilted his head, confused by the answer. "Dream…? What dream?"
Kathryn interceded then. "A dream that began close to thirty years ago Harry. A dream of two men…conceived in loyalty and based on trust…"
****TBC***Yes the three most dreaded letters of the alphabet…
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